Newcomer Looking For Advice

[Strngr!]

Well, let me ask you, do you really believe it is making a huge difference in her feelings toward you? If she has another man in her head, none of that is going to turn things around! So, don't tell her anything. You need not "explain" your decision or actions. DB methods are your tools and not to be shared.

I suppose not but to be honest i was a bit oblivios to her feelings overthe past couple yeara and kind of ignored or sluffed them off. Although i do think i have been generally a pretty helpful loving guy since day one in our relationship just trying harder since i found out about A to help out and show my attention. Id say she didnt always have my attention i payed more attention to sports or hobbies then her.

If she should get mad and throw it back in your face (it will only be b/c you aren't doing the housework or whatever she says to do),

I do agree i should help with the house work and taking care of the little guy S1. Just should be shared 50/50 which i guess currently isnt the case.

Let me ask you, what is the real reason you are working on the house renovations? Be very honest. Is it to make her happy, or please her? Is it your attempt to do something to save the marriage?
In what way would it help you become a better man?

I guess i thought it would make me a better man making me a more handy man. Its something ive alway wanted to do since we move in just simple havent had the time since i was always wither distracted by hobbies of mine or tending to my W. I suppose it is something she would like to see but pleasing her wouldnt be the primary motivation.

By this question, I feel you may not understand how detaching works here. You are the one who detaches. It is for your well being and good mental attitude, as well as to actually help you during this particular stressful time. It does not include her, b/c it is completely done as an individual. And, please do not discuss any of this with your W.

I suppose maybe i didnt understand it well enough. I have read the post but not DR book i do need to get the book. I just though carrying out some of sandi's rules and the theory behind detatchment essentially end up looking the same as me giving her space i was wondering if me moving towards detatchment and following rules will give her fause impression that im giving her space because she wants space is this ok?

It is not the same thing as she is talking about. Besides, what she's saying is what all WW's say when they are in an affair. Sorry, but that's how it is.

I realize its not the same thing just though it might give give her the impression im giving her the space shes asking for and in turn take away some of effectivness of her feeling the loss.

The reason you feel what will work? When you have a WW, you must stop all the catering, and treating her like a princess.

I guess i mean thats why i thought the DB tools will work.

You cannot use the same methods that you ordinarily would use to "improve" your relationship. You cannot believe this cr@p she's throwing at you, b/c it's all a smoke screen.

She did throw the concerns about me not helping out and me not having my priorities straigt before she met this guy but i suppose it doesnt mater now thats all out the window i have lost her attention or she thinks its to little to late and just uses it as her excuss.

Have you read no more mr. nice guy? You can download it, free. It's not very long and I think it would help you see your relationship with your W (and maybe others) as though looking through new glasses. I think the majority of men on the board are typically "nice guy" types. That has a lot to do with the W being wayward, IMO. Please google NMMNG and read it today.

I don't recommend a lot of books, b/c people get confused about various books on M. Neither do I recommend going to a marriage counselor before your W has ended her A, has shown true remorse, apologized, and is really ready to put work into saving the M. It is a waste of time and money.....and a lot of C are not pro-marriage or solution based. It would add more confusion to what you read on the board.

I have not read the book but i downloaded it and started on my lunch today. Thanks again for your advice i appreciate it greatly im feeling better about myself already