Newcomer Looking For Advice

[sandi2]

To start i dont understand how i can go from telling my W i want to work with her on our M and that i want to fix all the issue i have moving forward (Paying her more attention when im around, helping clean house, showing her more affection) and flip to not doing those things as much or at all for that matter?

Well, let me ask you, do you really believe it is making a huge difference in her feelings toward you? If she has another man in her head, none of that is going to turn things around! So, don't tell her anything. You need not "explain" your decision or actions. DB methods are your tools and not to be shared.

If she should get mad and throw it back in your face (it will only be b/c you aren't doing the housework or whatever she says to do), just say, "I discovered none of those things were working in saving our marriage". Then turn and leave. Do not prolong the talk. She is using these "complaints" as her excuses. She will use them to justify her waywardness.

Is it possible to be detatched but still living in the same house?

Sure, b/c detaching is about your mental attitude toward your W. Make sure you read that link carefully. It is not about just physically keeping distance from her.

Can working on the house renovations and such be part of working on myself to be better man?

Let me ask you, what is the real reason you are working on the house renovations? Be very honest. Is it to make her happy, or please her? Is it your attempt to do something to save the marriage?
In what way would it help you become a better man?

Does it need to be me who initiates the detatchment?

By this question, I feel you may not understand how detaching works here. You are the one who detaches. It is for your well being and good mental attitude, as well as to actually help you during this particular stressful time. It does not include her, b/c it is completely done as an individual. And, please do not discuss any of this with your W.

she has talked alot about needing space to sort out her feelings.

It is not the same thing as she is talking about. Besides, what she's saying is what all WW's say when they are in an affair. Sorry, but that's how it is.

Part of the reason i feel this will work is because she does realy on me so much already for a ton and i guess i am guilty of tending to her.

The reason you feel what will work? When you have a WW, you must stop all the catering, and treating her like a princess. That is one reason she will have an sense of "entitlement", b/c that's how you've always treated her!

The fact that me not being there for her will upset her will that not make her resent me for her being so dependent on me?

Yeah, she will get mad b/c you aren't doing what she wants when she wants it. Otherwise, she doesn't want you around her. She's the gal who wants space from you, remember? You have to get this through your head, that when she's carrying on with another man, you cannot use the same methods that you ordinarily would use to "improve" your relationship. You cannot believe this cr@p she's throwing at you, b/c it's all a smoke screen.

Have you read no more mr. nice guy? You can download it, free. It's not very long and I think it would help you see your relationship with your W (and maybe others) as though looking through new glasses. I think the majority of men on the board are typically "nice guy" types. That has a lot to do with the W being wayward, IMO. Please google NMMNG and read it today.

I don't recommend a lot of books, b/c people get confused about various books on M. Neither do I recommend going to a marriage counselor before your W has ended her A, has shown true remorse, apologized, and is really ready to put work into saving the M. It is a waste of time and money.....and a lot of C are not pro-marriage or solution based. It would add more confusion to what you read on the board.