Newcomer Looking For Advice

[mutatio]

being flip shows they are not being serious enough about ...

[Strngr!]

Hello sandi thanks for your responce i appreciate the advice very much from what i can tell from my short time here you are blessing to each and everyone of us here. I have read all the posts up above that cadet has posted and everything makes a lot of sence. I feel like detatchment and boundaries and validation all seems to be the best course of action. However i feel sared when i think about trying to get that ball rolling and i habe a ton of questions maybe reading books and more post will supply all the answeres however i thought i would post some of the questions i had below.

To start i dont understand how i can go from telling my W i want to work with her on our M and that i want to fix all the issue i have moving forward (Paying her more attention when im around, helping clean house, showing her more affection) and flip to not doing those things as much or at all for that matter?

Is it possible to be detatched but still living in the same house?

Can working on the house renovations and such be part of working on myself to be better man?

Does it need to be me who initiates the detatchment? she has talked alot about needing space to sort out her feelings.

Part of the reason i feel this will work is because she does realy on me so much already for a ton and i guess i am guilty of tending to her. The fact that me not being there for her will upset her will that not make her resent me for her being so dependent on me?

If i go from wanting to work on or M to wanting nothing to do with working on that wont that just upset her even more?

How will this all work and òwhat kind of complications will there be because of my son?

I have many more questions running though my brain just cant really put them words to paper!

[Strngr!]

Thank you mutatio for the definition. Never heard that term before.

[Strngr!]

Tried a little bit today to so thing differently we play vollyball and normally id help get my W stuff ready before i let her take care of herself today. Also after the games were over i left thw gym didnt wait for her. She got upset this i could tell she askes me whats wrong whats the deal. I said nothing was wrong wanted to get some air. I dono what to think am i on the right track?

[Avanti]

Your actions could be considered passive aggressive simply because you didn't tell her the truth. If you are going to do such things and she asks why tell her something along the lines that her recent behavior has led you to feel that you can no longer support her as you have done before in such situations.

Rather than going at it a bit haphazardly you need to read the DR book first and formulate goals and plans which could include when and where you are going to change your behavior and to what end.

[Uphill]

I agree with avanti ^^^^. I'm guilty of acting like that also. It is a fine line we walk between making them feel "loss" and being cold or rude. If you explain yourself, she realizes WHY you did what you did. She doesn't just assume you're being a jerk. Just my thought, I seem to be better at seeing how things work than actually doing them...

[isittoolate]

^^^^I agree....doing things differently doesnt mean, ignoring, blanking, being passive aggressive, being cold, rude etc.

Do things that work....Be the best husband,father and most importantly man, you can be. Do things with grace, poise, assertiveness, Do things which will move your sitch in a positive direction.

Is my next action going to move my W away from the R or towards the R?

[Strngr!]

Your actions could be considered passive aggressive simply because you didn't tell her the truth...
Rather than going at it a bit haphazardly you need to read the DR book first and formulate goals and plans which could include when and where you are going to change your behavior and to what end.

Ugh cant seem to to anything right these days. I guess I will have to take a step back just continue trying to be the best husband, father, man i can be. And follow only rules that will effect myself until time i read the DR book. Unfortunatly i am a slow reader and i dont evn have the book so that might take some time

[Strngr!]

Hey all just reading through rules again the one im struggling with most is saying i love you
... this is and has been sort of standard practice for for the last 10 years when i leave her presence or go to sleep say good night love you. Not sure i can stop that. I can stop saying it just looking for the reasurance she loves me back. Sorry i keep posting on here without reading the book yet but being here helps me stay on track not snooping/spying which i will admit is definitly no good for me.

[sandi2]

To start i dont understand how i can go from telling my W i want to work with her on our M and that i want to fix all the issue i have moving forward (Paying her more attention when im around, helping clean house, showing her more affection) and flip to not doing those things as much or at all for that matter?

Well, let me ask you, do you really believe it is making a huge difference in her feelings toward you? If she has another man in her head, none of that is going to turn things around! So, don't tell her anything. You need not "explain" your decision or actions. DB methods are your tools and not to be shared.

If she should get mad and throw it back in your face (it will only be b/c you aren't doing the housework or whatever she says to do), just say, "I discovered none of those things were working in saving our marriage". Then turn and leave. Do not prolong the talk. She is using these "complaints" as her excuses. She will use them to justify her waywardness.

Is it possible to be detatched but still living in the same house?

Sure, b/c detaching is about your mental attitude toward your W. Make sure you read that link carefully. It is not about just physically keeping distance from her.

Can working on the house renovations and such be part of working on myself to be better man?

Let me ask you, what is the real reason you are working on the house renovations? Be very honest. Is it to make her happy, or please her? Is it your attempt to do something to save the marriage?
In what way would it help you become a better man?

Does it need to be me who initiates the detatchment?

By this question, I feel you may not understand how detaching works here. You are the one who detaches. It is for your well being and good mental attitude, as well as to actually help you during this particular stressful time. It does not include her, b/c it is completely done as an individual. And, please do not discuss any of this with your W.

she has talked alot about needing space to sort out her feelings.

It is not the same thing as she is talking about. Besides, what she's saying is what all WW's say when they are in an affair. Sorry, but that's how it is.

Part of the reason i feel this will work is because she does realy on me so much already for a ton and i guess i am guilty of tending to her.

The reason you feel what will work? When you have a WW, you must stop all the catering, and treating her like a princess. That is one reason she will have an sense of "entitlement", b/c that's how you've always treated her!

The fact that me not being there for her will upset her will that not make her resent me for her being so dependent on me?

Yeah, she will get mad b/c you aren't doing what she wants when she wants it. Otherwise, she doesn't want you around her. She's the gal who wants space from you, remember? You have to get this through your head, that when she's carrying on with another man, you cannot use the same methods that you ordinarily would use to "improve" your relationship. You cannot believe this cr@p she's throwing at you, b/c it's all a smoke screen.

Have you read no more mr. nice guy? You can download it, free. It's not very long and I think it would help you see your relationship with your W (and maybe others) as though looking through new glasses. I think the majority of men on the board are typically "nice guy" types. That has a lot to do with the W being wayward, IMO. Please google NMMNG and read it today.

I don't recommend a lot of books, b/c people get confused about various books on M. Neither do I recommend going to a marriage counselor before your W has ended her A, has shown true remorse, apologized, and is really ready to put work into saving the M. It is a waste of time and money.....and a lot of C are not pro-marriage or solution based. It would add more confusion to what you read on the board.