Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

SO right now I am coming across as needy and clingy.

I am trying to stay on the path I chose, which is to not hide and to be involved in the kids activities and appointments even on days that are not mine. But it is all being twisted into me trying to make uncomfortable situations for the kids. I am angry, at him for being such a dbag and at myself for slipping so far--for trying to play his game which I know I will never win. And I know I should have kept my mouth shut. I also know I never should have called him in the first place. I hope my D is not mad at me. She hasn't said anything, but from what H said my comment caused all sorts of drama. I know I can't fully believe him, but I also know that the story he will tell OW and their pocket full of friends who are all teachers I need to encounter if I want to stay involved in my children's education, will write me as a complete basket case.

And I want to fix it, but history has shown that the more I try to fix things the worse they get.

I don't know what to do at this point. All that I had going for me to get a leg up in court probably just slipped through my fingers. The sick thing is, I didn't even really do anything, I just didn't keep my mouth shut. But I know I look like an obsessive pot stirrer. I've been warned by many family members to not respond. By my IC to not respond. By my lawyer to not respond. By all of you wonderful people to go dark. And I manage it for a while, then I slip. Each time I feel like I slip deeper in. Solidifying H's image of who I am, no longer the kind, loving, fun woman he loved, but instead this obsessive passive/aggressive loser who can't accept he has moved on.

I hope it is just a wave passing. I hope I can once again be proud of who I am, confident and loving, but no longer foolishly trusting. And I hope that my kids will think of me that way, rather than the way H wants them to see me. Right now I don't know what they see. I struggle on the days that they are not with me.

I honestly feel as low today as I did back in the thick of the drama last spring. There was a light that came after that, and I am sure there is another one somewhere. Right now I will just have to hold on to the memory of a light until I find a new one.
I am so scared of the unknown right now and it is paralyzing.

Maybe these are all just weeds choking my seedling? Perhaps the dehydration I've experienced, the night sweats, the exhaustion that I gave into last night, is all alerting me to the need to turn the focus back on my self. I've been trying to stay busy with GAL which is a great distraction, but I wonder if I was trying a little too hard to do too much. My body needs me to slow down a bit and focus on my real needs. To take the focus off of what H and OW are up to, to let go of the guilt I feel for letting go of new friend, to not allow my shaken confidence to prevent me from finding work.

So what can I do today?
No contact.
Job search.
Go to the city to visit a sick relative.
Sleep.