I'm tired of thinking about H. There's no fixing him, or saving him. Me, however, I can do something about. Learn all I can to improve the way I see myself and how I interact with others, heal my body, heal from the emotional trauma, and reach a point of acceptance - these are areas I'm choosing to place my focus. I suspect a part of me will always love H. My belief is that makes me a person who does understand love, unconditional love. I feel badly for those people who don't understand the concept. What an unhappy life they lead.
Copied myself from another thread, so I don't lose the thought. I do need to express my steps as goals, with a specific result in mind. That's a really good next step. I feel like I'm gaining wider clarity about myself, outside of just the heartbreak of a broken M. That's a really good thing.
I've also come to an understanding about depression; I plan to start viewing it as a monster I can tame. I can't get rid of it, so I need to learn to manage it so we can live peaceably in the same house. It's not all bad in certain aspects...I feel very deeply. That is reflected in my art - I paint, draw, write poems and songs, and play several instruments. I love other people deeply. There is no lukewarm with me.
I've come up with a plan for taming the monster I've already implemented. I have to pay attention to my feelings. On an emotional scale of 1-10, the more I can keep myself between 3-7, I function very well. I also realize I can feel my emotions moving in either direction. I'm using stops and visualizations to keep my emotions in the desired zone. This is new to me, so it's hard work - but I'm feeling such empowerment! I'm getting good at this. The few times I've gone too far down the scale, say I'm at a 3 and know I'm sinking, I've kept to my prearranged plan for it and called one of my daughters. Before I know it, I'm laughing and perking up. Above a 7 can be anger or "highs". If I'm super happy, it's not so bad on the surface, but I know now that I'm out of control above 7, even if I appear happy. It can flash to rage in an instant because I'm not managing the emotion.
This is just what I've worked out on my own, so if it sounds like junk science, it might be. It's working, though! So just like DB, I'll keep doing more of what works.
Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. I'm moving in the right direction.
