I completely understand your feelings. Now that I've accepted there is no good reason at present to save this M, I want it all to be over...the pain, the hurt, the loss of self-esteem. I've got issues from before to work on, as well. I think it's going to take a lot of time to really work through it all.
I keep seeing references to codependency. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I remember the term used in relation to living with an alcoholic. I believe it would be a really good thing for me to learn about it. I suspect it might be a huge part of my problem. My life, every single bit of it, is tied in some way to H. This D is tearing me apart for that reason. I don't know how to move forward on my own. I also know that I need to figure that out in order to be a whole, healthy person. Does this sound like you at all? My identity is Judy, wife and mother. Judy, on her own is a shell. I think I've always been this way to an extent. I just never realized it before.
I understand how his actions and accusations make you question yourself, but work on that. You are wonderful and dear. Your H has some serious issues that he cannot face. It really isn't about you. He will not understand that, but I really hope you do. His need to feel better made him turn you into his scapegoat for all his bad behaviors. You probably have things to work on, but a truly loving spouse will not turn on another like that. My H is irritated witho our older kids for being upset by his behaviors, which are despicable. The fault? Mine. I should have kept his secrets, according to him. How dare the kids say anything?
I'm tired of thinking about H. There's no fixing him, or saving him. Me, however, I can do something about. Learn all I can to improve the way I see myself and how I interact with others, heal my body, heal from the emotional trauma, and reach a point of acceptance - these are areas I'm choosing to place my focus. I suspect a part of me will always love H. My belief is that makes me a person who does understand love, unconditional love. I feel badly for those people who don't understand the concept. What an unhappy life they lead.
