I am not making excuses for what I did. I am responsible for my choices.
In the years that my wife lost her feelings for me I was to some extent depressed and felt trapped in my job. Because of that I self medicated with alcohol.
After 2008 I was so scared of losing my wife and feeling guilty about my bad behavior I became co-dependent. I tried to please her any way I could. I do all the cooking, drove the kids every where and household things like that. I remained depressed while becoming co-dependent.
I read Codependent No More a book by Melody Beattie after BD and my mental meltdown. My co-dependent behavior seems to be triggered by my fear of losing my wife and she divorcing me. I am getting better at it since you mentioned it in your post. I realized it when you mentioned it. I am getting better at managing it because there is very little chance of my wife choosing to remain with me. I believe she has given up on me and the marriage.
I will keep trying and hoping because the sun even shines on a dog's ass occasionally.
