Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

Thanks Mona, I know there are positives, but I've also been here with my W on a few occasions before we were M. It feels like it's very easy for her to take me from romantic partner to friend very quickly without concern for my experience of being downshifted. I've also been served and she's filed.

We did meet last night for the dog swap. She invited me in for a bit which was comforting and also uncomfortable as her apartment is furnished with all of our marital furniture. It pulled on me to see my old couch, and sit at the table where we had shared so many great meals and conversations. She was wearing the necklace I gave her on our wedding day as well.

Mostly we talked about Woofie, and watched him romp around the room. I think he was putting on a show to have us both in the same room together. I'm going to miss him like crazy over the next few weeks.

My W told me more her own life, how she feels like she's gone deeper into her spirituality and now sees how God has been trying to speak to her for her whole life. Although this isn't my experience, she feels that it is hers and I acknowledged that. A few months ago I probably would have laughed about it. We talked a lot about religion and both of our renewed connection to higher powers.

She shared with my how hard it was recently to be with her family since they have little kids and that was the point where we were at as well. I had to breathe through that as part of me feels like the decision to start a family was made together, but the decision to end that was made unilaterally and without me. Fair or not, that's how I feel. I acknowledged that it is hard for us both to be where we are.

I may have made a DB mistake of sorts when she told me that when she came home from a recent trip and drove to her new place that she had to pinch herself and laugh about how amazing her new life is. I know she is excited about new opportunities and loves her new apartment and town. I said, "Thanks" and had to turn my head because truthfully I was hurt.

DB'ing as I know it would have been to the blow the comment off or pretend that it didn't bother me, but it got me. Our history has a lot of occasions as I said to Mona above where I was left hurt because I had been dumped but then would get asked for advice about picking out a NYE dress for her two weeks later. Stuff like that. It felt insensitive to flaunt how amazing everything is to the person the person you just left.

She apologized, and I explained that I was more sensitive seeing all of our old stuff in combination with what I'm experiencing with the sale of my business. The old me would have gotten mad at her or ended the conversation right there, but her apology and my explanation let us move on to other topics.

Last night was weird DB'ers. On some level there was a shift where I could really see my W as something other than a mystical creature. I could see her as a human who was hurt, scared, vulnerable, and on some level sad. She's put on some weight and is insecure about it (she looked stunning), and is unsure of her future and having to rely on faith. I saw her humanity and not just my own desire to be with her, make her mine, and/or force her to do something she doesn't want to do. I just saw her as her.

The David Deida class was incredible. The talk about the masculine and the feminine is a lot of what we speak about here. About the masculine standing still, strong, and open, and letting the feminine move, change, and be fluid. We would stand face to face with a member of the opposite sex and look them directly in the eye to create polarity. With some people, there were sparks flying, with others you could tell that they were closed off, or trying to hard.

The teachers talked about the power that opposites have, and that often times those people who "get along" the best make for poor bedfellows. That there has to almost be an acting out of the masculine and feminine in the bedroom because there is a dulling of the polarity in our day to day lives since so much of the interaction happens on more equal footing. One of the teachers joked that until you've had sex with someone you actively dislike you haven't experienced the power in the oppositions!

It reminded me of something I've said since the first time I dated my W years ago - I never felt her overwhelming desire for me. I never thought she wanted to rip my shirt off and run her nails down my back no matter what I did for or to her. I've felt this with most other women I've been with and have even had that sense since with women after left - even without physical intimacy.

She and I were peas in a pod, we laughed and joked and talked for hours every day, but maybe for her that spark just wasn't there. Who knows. If it was, I can only tell you of a few times when I felt it.

Again last night my W asked why I was looking at her the way that I was, and I did joke this time that she's just not used to me looking at her with clear eyes. Maybe she feels more now in my eyes than she did before. Hopefully.

As always, my wish is for happiness to suddenly overtake everyone on this board and celebratory posts to sprout up left and right.

PP