Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Hello, Msd. Every once in a while, H is nice. It confuses me horribly, and always leaves me wide open for the next attack. I'm learning. I do not trust him anymore, and that is beginning to be apparent; I've begun insisting any conversations regarding money are recorded in some fashion, and that we put in writing any agreements we reach. This annoys him greatly...but he's not trustworthy.

I completely relate to the confusion. And my fantasy of how I want it to be, and try to make it be, keeps digging me deeper. I know I can be passive/aggressive and annoying. I know that I probably was doing that yesterday. I think that is part of why I am so self- deprecating today, and I am afraid of how my actions might play out in court, although I really don't think there is enough there for it to really be an issue. Divorce is pretty cut and dry. I am mad at myself for what happened, but I am trying to put it in perspective. I'm human. I'm not quite sure if he is. I am struggling to rise above, but can I be penalized for that? Especially given his lack of discretion with his actions. We are both being equally irresponsible in our handling of things, but I wonder how it all will play out in court.

I'm beginning to understand he never was quite the man I thought him to be. My love really blinded me to some real character flaws. I see H now as quite morally corrupt. His cheating? OMG, that iwas really painful! I believe the pain has more to do with us, than them. Rejected and replaced...makes you wonder if you ever mattered, right? We have to move past that...nothing wrong with us. You mentioned Alanon...was your experience with another's drinking only with H? I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It also means I was constantly rejected in favor of something else, leaving me extreme sensitive to rejection. No one wants to be less than 1st choice.

H is really the only addict I ever was directly effected by and I wonder about his addiction. He definitely had a destructive lotto ticket habit, and his drinking was constant but didn't really change him too much, but he grew up in an alcoholic home and I see carry over from that. However I think a lot of my codependance is learned behavior from my mother and her sisters. The grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father who turned a corner, but probably too late. A lot of my behaviors that I hate about me mirror back to how they behave. Especially this inability to let things go and keep my mouth shut. I also overcompensate in opposite directions from how my mother's family handles things. For example, I hate secrets and as a result I think I give up way too much. I need to learn to be more discreet. I give too much of myself too fast. And get easily attached to others as a result--causing me to accept bad behavior from others and making excuses or giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I am realizing this through my experience with my new male friends. I let things move too quickly, and when I finally realize it isn't right I start accepting excuses and believing promises just to make it what I want it to be. I feel like learning this through these new friendships is useful, except that now I feel guilty about the pain I caused. I will be more careful next time.

What you need to realize, deep down, is that his cheating has NOTHING to do with you. It's all about HIS wants, HIS needs, and HIS ego. Any willing female could have been AP. H went with the easiest option, which doesn't say much about her.

I want to believe this. I think I understand it cognitively but feeling it is difficult. I understand that she was there while he was moving away from me. She helped him make the break he was afraid to make. Our marriage wasn't good, and I see it now looking back, but I still can't accept that it wasn't love. I wish we could just do this break in a way where no one else is in the middle of it all. Before I knew about her it was so easy to be confident and civil and proactive--with the idea being that he wants a change so he should move on--he seemed to believe that, too. Now I feel like I was just pushed overboard all because he had something to prove to her.

You're an obviously wonderful person. Don't dwell on the cheating part. It's such a small portion of the much larger problem that begins with and ends with your H. He's broken and weak, with a mean streak to boot. This type of person cannot face their own flaws/issues - so they NEED to make it all your fault to pander to their fragile ego.

I hope you're doing OK there today.

This is wise advice. I am hanging in there today. I feel very down, in a hopeless sense. I know it is a wave that will pass and I just have to ride it out, but right at this moment it's hard to know where I will wash up when it's all over and that scares me, so I focus on right now as best I can--but right now really [censored]. I feel so much more capable when I have the kids, it's these lonely days when they are with him that I feel lost, like I'm floating away.

I just want to be on the other side already. Not having to watch my back and definitely not caring about anything he is up to.