It's been a while since I've posted on this site. The play-by-play was getting to be too much so I decided to take a break from posting, but I still checked in with some of your threads occasionally. I think in my last post I mentioned that I might be done. I managed to climb out of that well after having a come-toJ-Jesus moment with H and we had a pretty few good months.
Then we sold a rental property we had in another state, and the day after the proceeds were deposited in a joint account, H took half and put it in his own account. H said it was just a precaution but I flipped out. By the end of the day, H said he wasn't sure if he wanted to keep working on the relationship. This was Oct 1st.
We agreed to go to Retrouvaille and then re-evaluate. Our weekend was Oct 23-25. At the end of weekend, H recommitted himself to our relationship again (even though we were still living separately at this point). We dialogued every day for a week and then he went out of town on business. He was supposed to call me the first night so that we could dialogue but he never did. The next morning he apologized and reaffirmed his commitment. We dialogued the next few days, then I offered to give him a pass so that he could focus on some work he needed to do while he was out of town and we agreed to check in the following day. However, he never responded to my texts or calls the next day and the following morning he told me he was no longer committed but wanted a few days to think it over before making a final decision. On Nov 8th, 2 weeks after our R weekend, he told me that he is no longer committed to reconciling and wants a divorce. He says he is scared that he will never be happy with me.
I'm giving him some space because we can't file until at least Feb anyway due to the waiting period in our state. At this point, I think he is an absolute fool and the only thing that will save us is him waking up from his fog. I still want to save the marriage, but he still has a lot of work to do on himself to make that a possibility -- not because I wouldn't accept him the way he is (I would) but he won't see our marriage as a viable relationship until he makes some important changes within himself.
We still have no written agreement re: custody or money. We have both expressed some vulnerability about that. I told H that I am not ready to go to my L and ask her to draw up a separation agreement, but I will cooperate if H takes the initiative to do so with his L. Frankly, I don't feel emotionally ready to commit to what he's offering, but I fear that pushing back will destroy what little goodwill/chance at reconciliation we have. I asked him to wait a few weeks before presenting me with an agreement to sign. He said he wasn't in a hurry but I have no idea what his timeframe is.
This is all for background -- I actually have a specific question to ask but I'll put that in another post so it doesn't get buried in this one.
I have only made one other request following the "I'm done" conversation on Sunday: that H not text or email me at all until we have signed a written separation agreement. My reason for this (which I explained to him when he asked) is that we are both feeling vulnerable regarding our D8 and I don't want to risk either of us misinterpreting the other's tone and then taking action based on that misinterpretation. (I also assumed, but did not say to H, that H would not be likely to call me about trivial matters, and that if he didn't text or email me it would greatly reduce our communication at a time when I need some space from him.) H didn't seem to share my concern but he did agree to call rather than text or email for the time being.
So what does he do, less than 24 hours later? Send me texts! About our daughter. Positive things, but still.
So, obviously, he is own person and is going to do what he is going to do regardless of (1) what I want him to do or (2) what he says he is going to do. My question is more about how to respond.
Option 1: Do nothing. Ignore the texts entirely, even though what he texted is a fairly big deal. In theory, I will find out from my daughter tomorrow anyway; it's not as though his texts are the only way I would have known.
Option 2: Respond in kind with a positive message. It IS a positive thing that I'm really happy about, and in a way I'm glad that I got to know tonight.
Option 3: (possibly in conjunction with option 2) Let him know that while appreciate knowing Positive Thing, I really don't want him to text (or email) me again.
Then my mind goes to -- is this a test? Is he deliberately disregarding my request to see how I'll respond? He told me after the money debacle last month that he wasn't feeling hopeless until I yelled at him for what he did.
Then my mind says -- if this IS a test, do I want to pass it? Why do I want to be married to someone who expects me to just give him a pass whenever he breaks a promise?
Well, so far I've gone with option 1. But, I'm worried about being a hypocrite. One of my complaints about H (while we have been having our marital crisis, anyway) is that he often doesn't respond promptly (or at all) to my texts/emails. So, should I model behavior that I ultimately want to see, or hold my boundary? Somehow, neither option feels right.
I'm pretty sure I won't be doing option 3, though.
Is it not frustrating that they totally don't listen?
You always hear that communications are at the root of most marital conflicts and here you are spelling out your wishes and needs clearly so there is no misunderstanding and then he does the exact opposite. My H does the same. Pisses me off because it feels so deliberate. Like they want to get a rise out of you by doing the opposite of what you asked for. We have to stay calm and pick our battles.
Yes I think option one is the best for now. It is not big enough of an issue to get into a fight about it.
Last edited by Di-mond; 11/11/1502:52 PM.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I also agree that option 1 is your best choice. Don't worry if it is a test or not, so you've asked H for more timely responses, he didn't ask you for that.
Thanks guys. I'm just going to stay radio silent and see what happens.
Of course, I still see him 3 or 4 days a week due to our D8. Today, while I was hugging our daughter goodbye, he asked me if I wanted a hug. I just pretended that I didn't hear him, and he walked around to the other side of the car without saying anything.
I feel like I'm brand new at this. We've essentially been in piecing since we separated so to have him say he is DONE is unfamiliar territory to me.
