Back on these forums again 2

[Ancaire]

Abdominal muscles. Mona is working on becoming a super-hero, and needs abs of steel.

[Mona52]

We finally moved! I have no idea why I thought moving in with my mom was going to be a good idea, but it is too late now. My poor S11 is getting it the most.

She yelled at him to go out and blow the leaves in a pile. I grabbed his coat and gave it to him. He went out.

She yelled "Why do you have a coat on?!" So he brought his coat back in and I told him he had to have his coat on. He explained grandma said no and I understood what was going on.

He got in trouble at school on Friday. I recruited him to help me peel potatoes to make up for his transgressions. I showed him how to peel a potato. She came down and yelled at him for doing it wrong.

I feel bad for him, but he is taking it like a champ. Bottom line, I am his mom and the big boss. I have no issue at all telling her to leave my kids alone. They all know this, and they tell me to leave her alone for now.

But this morning I did poorly. She turned the heat way down in house yesterday morning. Then when she woke up this morning she complained the house was freezing and blamed my girls. They giggled because they knew she turned it down, but I did not giggle. I told her no one in the house would touch her thermostat, and definitely not the girls. So we left the house ticked at each other.

She is moving out soon, and if she does not, in March we will buy our own little place.

Overall, moving has been great on the whole. I cant explain it in words, but the new house has brought about changes in me. Like washing a dish as soon as it hits the sink. Cleaning up after the dog as soon as she makes a mess. Recruiting the kids to take on chores and sticking to it. It has not been long enough to be a permanent habit, but it feels like the person I am most comfortable being is finally showing up after years of being gone.

I saw my H on Friday. My mom called me over, she said H was not home. I cooked a lamb dinner and it was a masterpiece. I never, ever post my food on Facebook. But on Friday, I laid a perfectly roasted lamb on a mountain of mashed potatoes on a serving dish I have never had the opportunity to use, and I found myself posting to Facebook.

While I was cooking, H showed up. Dop! He told me he was not going to sleep there any longer so that night we moved in.

I saw my H again on Saturday, and it was sort of an eye opener.

I was at the old house packing more stuff and cleaning and he just walks in. I was absolutely shocked. He has no pots and pans at his new house, so he wanted to take the ones at our house.

I dont need them at all, so I loaded him up with kitchenware and I looked at him for the first time in a while. He lost... I dont know... I would guess 60 lbs in the past 3 months.He is completely skin and bones.

It hit me like a MAC truck. Then I got in my car and just left. We have had nothing but pleasant communications lately. On Friday he told me he liked my shirt which sent me into a mini tailspin. But only a few secret hours when I tried to sleep. Other than that, I was able to distract myself from thinking about it.

He said he was not eating because he did not have money for food. Instead of validating, I argued, "What are you talking about, mom's house is full of food?"
That was the only part of the conversation I could have done better on. Everything else over the weekend was perfect DB'in. After I saw him so thin, i did not make a move to save him in any way.

The thoughts of dropping off food are overwhelming. Cooking him dinner, buying him tasty cakes, inviting him over for dinner... They invade my brain constantly. But I can't help him right now. He is hitting rock bottom and he has to figure out a way to care for himself. I know what to do. I know how to help. But it does not matter one bit what I know. I cant help him by saving him.

The pain level of my M being almost over is way down. My D17 still can't talk. She has laryngitis. I moved and it has been a struggle getting the kids and the dog and the cat adjusted.

I came to work this morning to see I am so far behind. So I honestly do not have time to be in pain.

I got an email from a publishing company that they would like me to write some coding exercises for a Python book they are writing. They want ~100 this month. And I still have school work to finish up.

So I have no time for wallowing or depression, or even time to save my H. I have to get my nose to the grind stone this week and get as much done as I can.

I have no moved my computer to my new house yet, but I will visit threads as soon as I do!

I hope you are all well!!!

[Gmum]

Great to hear from you, Mona. You sound like you're doing really well albeit a bit busy.

[Mona52]

My goal is to hit everyone's threads today! I have fallen way behind, and last time I fell behind, one of you ended up in jail.

I am still in the slow process of moving. My mom is not moving anything out of her house, so we have to kind of bring small loads over at a time and wiggle our stuff into spaces left in her house. It is hard because I am trying not to disrupt her life too bad. But she is the one who wanted us to come. I wanted to buy a house. She is the one moving in with her BF. And if I don't move in she will have to rent it out. And if she does that, she will HAVE to move out all of her stuff.

I do not see any other way around it, I am going to have to buy my own house. But for now, this house is good. My D15 had her BF over for dinner yesterday and it was really nice. My puppy has grass to run in and she LOVES it. My cat is outside for the first time in her life and she is about 10 years old.

Nothing to report on H. I feel sick at myself because I still think about him ever single day, all day long. I can't possibly do more to distract myself. Today I woke up and realized that it has crossed to unhealthy. Yes it is important to save a M and a family. No I am not throwing in the towel. But I need to get back to a more healthy level of commitment. I am worse than a JLo stalker, or it feels that way.
I feel pathetic in the amount of energy and thoughts I put into a R with NO ONE, because he is gone.

I think the worst part is my thoughts are all blaming him.

OK, let me put my current problem in to a baby step. One thought that keeps repeating is that he stayed up all night, every night playing video games and I slept in a cold, empty bed alone every night.

How do I stop blaming him for that?

If I could just stop blaming him for that one little part I can take a baby step to a healthier detachment process...maybe.

[Di-mond]

Hi Mona,

I totally get the obsessive thoughts about H.
He is the last thing I think about before going to sleep and my first thought when I open my eyes. I wish he wasn't, but he is. My H, like yours spends his days sleeping, playing video games and then working the night shift at his new job. He has a little tiny apartment, filled with comic books, super hero figures and video game and Star War posters on the walls. He functions enough to do his laundry, buy groceries, cooks for himself and goes to work, but that is it. Nothing more!

We had such a full life of going out with our motorcycle club, taking care of our animals, visiting with family and friends. Now that has stopped. He only thinks of himself. I found I too stopped living. It has been so painful doing it on my own.

Now, like you I am moving. Sold my home and starting today taking bit by bit out of my house and into my new condo. New beginnings! I'm hoping to get out of this rut and GAL from now on.

Question I always have in my mind is how can they choose a virtual life through video games over a flesh and blood person that cares and loves them?!

[Ancaire]

Mona, I have a question that might or might not help. How is it that it became okay for him to stay up all night playing games while you slept alone? Did you guys talk about it? Were you disconnecting in your daily lives? Does H have depression, or was he in some way unhappy in his daily life, so that he sought refuge in gaming? Does he have an addictive personality?

LOL

Okay, that was more than one question, but I find that understanding the reason something happened makes it easier for me to empathize somewhat and forgive.

By the way...love the jail remark! Keeping very, very quiet.

[mutatio]

Hang in there Mona, better days are coming.

[Mona52]

Hi Di-mond,

I have asked myself how he could choose a video game over me a billion times. We also used to have a full life, always out. Now that I booted him, he is barely functioning. He lost so much weight it is scary.

He moved from my mom's house and the apartment he moved to does not have a laundry facility. My kids told me he came to my mom's (my house) on Monday to do his laundry during the day while I was at work, so I guess he is doing that.

Same as yours, he is only thinking of himself 100% right now.

[Mona52]

I was not pointing any fingers (Judy) about the jail remark
I am happy to hear you are being a good girl, but only a little. Wouldn't it be nice if ONE person on the forum here was just doing what we all WISH we could?

I just want to log in and see a person who starts their post like:

"I broke every single DB rule today and it was amazing! I went up to OW's H today and told him about the A his wife was having with my H, and after we put our clothes back on, we both confronted our S's."

JOKING, that is a bad idea in almost every way!

But you ask a good question, I am not sure when it became ok to stay up all night. I am a gamer as well, and when a new game first comes out, it is normal to pull an all nighter. We used to play games together, at the same time, and only with each other. But, after the kids came (17 years ago...) gaming became second. I still game, but only here and there, and alot of the times with my kids. I am not really sure how his gaming increased. I can tell you it was bad in 2013.

It was so bad that I did not know if we would get through it. I expressed my displeasure in sleeping all alone. He agreed. He wanted to stop gaming, and he did for a few months. Then it slowly crept back up to full blown again, and that is when I had enough.

I would not say he had depression. I would absolutely say he has depression now. Every time we talk it is all doom and gloom, how bad HIS life is. He pays too much for child support, he has no food, he has to work full time, blah, blah, blah.

He is a smoker, but even though that is an addiction, I would not say he has an addictive personality. He just does not have a future thinking personality.

When our M was great, we were obsessed with future planning together. ok, none of our plans actually worked, but that was when we were at our best. He has zero future plans, except gaining another level in his video game. I tried to talk to him about future plans, but he has been uninterested in future plans for approximately 4 years now.

But his future thinking personality is gone. He is not sad, we laughed everyday and still do. When he gets home, he sees the computer and just does not have plans to do anything else.

[Mona52]

Hang in there Mona, better days are coming.

You can say that again! I dont know how to post my plans but HUGE things happened in the last 2 weeks! I am unbearable to be around because I am so psyched...

I just need to wait until March... wait until March... wait until March....
Keep reminding me mutatio!