I have a few thoughts that I am not sure how to broach.
Since I do not have Divorce Busting Book (ONLY DR), I believe I read somewhere that in the book, MWD says something to the effect that if the WAW/MLC spouse is in fact a person who was victim in Childhood Sexual Abuse, that the Divorce Busting concept will not work on the marriage.
Is that true? From reading so much about CSA it appears that nothing I will ever do on my side will help save our marriage. It must come from her and still, no guarantees (sound familiar).
Now I am not suggesting that I am going to stop hoping and fighting for my marriage, I have not come to that conclusion yet. Nor do I think that the principals of DB have not been helpful to me (BECAUSE THEY HAVE - 180's to be a better person, GAL to work on my own needs, Detachment to see things as they are and not be affected by her actions any longer, etc, Learning about what true love is). They were all awesome and have changed my life, and these techniques are precisely what I need to be able to live through the upcoming hell of a woman working through the ordeal of facing her demons from such a phucking disgusting event in her life 30 years ago - or to be able to leave if I need to.
My IC told me some months ago, that I was not Co-Dependent the way that I thought. It wasn't until last week that I understood what the hell he was talking about. I have been reading until my eyes have bleed on the subject of CSA. My needs and affection that I was showing my wife and family were pretty normal. What he meant was that I was only enabling her to not seek help and work on herself for those issues that she has need for. I was allowing myself to be the one who gave and gave to her needs, while she gave little back. Looking now, I understand Love, friendship, compassion and understanding SOOOO much better that I ever did and I am not sure that my wife is even capable of those feelings / behaviors right now. Intimacy, the thing I crave from her, is precisely the thing she cannot share.
I have learned one thing, what happened to my wife is not my fault. I am not a deviant. I did not hurt her that way. I am not her enemy. Does she see it that way, it may very well be.
This journey has taught me something, and that is I will be ok through all of this. What is going to happen down the road, I don't have the foggiest phucking idea. I know that I am not going to just stand still and wait around for things to just get better. From what I read, the likely hood of a marriage, sharing true intimacy with a woman who has gone through CSA, as a mutually beneficial outcome is very slim.
This no longer scares me. I have cried too many tears for one lifetime and I do not want to continue on with the emptiness that way if she doesn't want to move forward in her life. I want to help her, she is the love of my life, but I can't force her to look at her past. I cannot force her to give me the affection and intimacy that I WANT in my life, especially if she is not capable. She has been a taker, a black hole of emotions and genuine love for a long time.
I saw the downfall of our marriage, as me not being a good enough husband, where I was selfish and not satisfactory to her. While I sure did have some issues, I have gone through and cleaned up my messes. I now know that I am a good husband, a great provider, an amazing father and I understand what love means for the first time in my life. I am not responsible for the pain that she has, nor the resentment that she shows me. It has taken me a long time to figure that out and it makes me weep to imagine the hurt that I've allowed myself to feel because of it.
I think that I have the fortitude to handle just about anything that life throws at me. I would walk besides her for the chance of real happiness and love, but I know that she must make that choice for herself. I will be spending a concerted effort for a while to try to figure out how this can happen, and what I will do if she cannot look at her side.
I want to thank all of you for helping me save myself. I want to send you all the gratitude that is possible, I just don't have the words. I don't have the time to express how truly wonderful you kind folks have been to me and really to my family. I will stick around and keep posting on others threads because of the genuine appreciation I have for what you all have done for some many others, I don't know what I can help with but I will try!
Thank You, with all of my heart!!!
Mark
(and I hope that this does not come across as high-horsed, I am just writing my thoughts and trying to be succinct - which I don't do well as you all know )
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