Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Julie and V. Thank you for your kind words. I wish I read them earlier because I made some unwise decisions--I was vulnerable yesterday and feeling a connection due to H's recent pleasantness. I should have known better, but I found myself in a predicament and didn't know where to turn, so guess who I turned to. He came through for me, but not without a set trap, and i guess I am responsible for handing him the bait.

I believe (mind reading here) that I put H in an awkward situation that caused trouble in paradise, and to protect himself against the wrath of OW, he found a way to use it against me. When will I learn??? I hear your advice, yet I still have those days when I want to believe that H I thought I married is the one I'm dealing with. I give advice to others that I would do well to follow, yet I get drawn in by his charm and the love I still have for him that I expect to be reciprocated somewhere deep down below the ugly shell. I am still desperately trying to rewrite this story--rather than closing the book and moving on. I have such a long way to go in my recovery.

I really, really, really hope I learned my lesson this time. I think I handled the accusations well, however. He really had no leg to stand on, and his sole goal was to prove to OW that I am awful, and to get me worked up. It didn't work--at least the getting me worked up part. He has been violating the court order of having OW around the kids beyond what her professional responsibility is to them. He had to find a way to twist it to turn me into a bad mother. I am glad I realized this early on and my response was appropriate and disarming to him.

One thing I realized was that they only have a small pocket of coworkers who believe the lies they are saying about me. Others that i have run into have shown nothing but compassion and concern for me in regards to his actions (I am assuming with OW because I don't know if they know about the the rest of the BS he's done).

So while I was dealing with this aftermath, that I understand was partly my fault for reaching out to him--I know better, yet I gave in to emotion rather than reality. Anyway, while I was dealing with that, I got an angry text from the ferry friend who I cut off last week for bailing on me repeatedly. It was the worst possible timing because I was already in a vulnerable state of questioning my ways of handling things. It was an awful night.

I was getting a guilt trip laid on me from two different directions. Now, in hindsight, I see that neither of these men are emotionally healthy and I am safer without them. Especially now while I am trying to rebuild my own emotional health. This morning the first thing I did when I woke up was read my final responses to each of these men. I think I ended both conversations with a level headed response that clearly stated my boundaries. However, it took a while for me to get there.

I think it is time to start doing my Alanon work again. I haven't gone to a meeting in a couple of months, but I need to put the focus back on my recovery. I am a hot mess, and I need to clean myself up and move on.