Thank you. I need the support, really. My anxiety is through the roof. My heartbeat is really off, I can't take a deep breath, and I can't stop shaking. I'm really trying to hang in there, but I am just so frightened.
Frightened of court, frightened of H, frightened about the future...I'm a mess! Checking in today and seeing all these messages of support means so very much. I am so isolated at the moment. H is playing more fun games by not giving me money to pay bills and buy medicine so that my credit is ruined and I have health issues. My L is working on it, but there's only so fast these things can move.
I have a rough plan in place. I've managed to get almost all the money I need to hire the defense attorney. I've got a message in to talk to him, so maybe I can work something out on the balance. Once I get some kind of closure on that situation, I'm leaving. Divorce pending or not, car or no car, I'm going to go live with my mother for a while. My lawyer can handle the divorce. I'm going to have all my doctors give me prescriptions for 3 months of medicine so I'll have a cushion at the beginning of the year. I'm applying for all the social aid I can get for the short term, until I'm healthy enough to take care of myself.
If it just gets too scary here before I can leave, I'll just abandon ship and go stay with my daughter. I can use the couch. I'd rather not, but will go if it gets any worse. I've been refusing to engage, so things are a bit calmer. I think the stress of the past few months is catching up with me...I've been powering through, and have nearly nothing left.
All I know is that it's going to take some time to heal from this. This hurt is unbelievable, and the constant emotional abuse on top of it is indescribably difficult to handle. Betrayal, deliberate infliction of pain, and absolute hatred...where is the man I married? There is not a trace of him to be found unless he's putting on an act for our kids. I am grateful for that, at least. He still cares about our kids.
Thanks again, everyone! I really appreciate you all.
