Priest had to cancel on me today, rescheduled to Friday. No biggie. W just texted me about Thanksgiving again. So we worked it out where they will see both sides of the family for a bit. Like it should be if we weren't seperated even. Something we have never seemed to be able to do. So, there is a bright spot in this.
I have had several people lately tell me to give up and move on. I'm better off without her. A few others saying that they don't understand why she is doing this. Others shocked that we aren't back together yet. My kids question me constantly. And S8 and s6 have both said that W has made comments about this seperation ending, or she is thinking about it anyway.
Some things have hit me harder, or more clearly lately. She has to make the first move. If that ever happens, is totally up to her. I feel less hopeful that it will happen. Until this week, I knew in my heart that we would reunite. I still hope to find the girl I married, but the reality is that it may never happen.
Dropping the rope... I feel a step closer to this after the family pics were removed. It is yet another hurt that I have had to face through this. And now the holidays. Yuck. Makes me a little less anxious to see her. A little more disappointed in her. And I am tired of being hurt and disappointed. The motivation to detach is definately there. Sometimes she acts like the woman I know, but she has made life completely hard for us all. I am going to pull back and that should help too. I will never understand all of this.
How can I show her that I am running out of patience. I told her months ago that there will be a time when I won't take her back, it will be take a lot of convincing . It's not here yet, but it's coming. How do I get her to come to me?
How do you detach without becoming bitter? I fear that too. I am not a selfish person, so I find it hard to focus on myself through this. I have strengthened my character, and have fewer faults. Far from perfect but, I feel for the first time in my life, that I am someone only a fool would leave. I have never had high self esteem, but I think it is higher than ever now.
My life is pretty good, except for the seperation. Kids are good, healthy, and happy other than having a split life. I have family and friends that I can talk to and hang out with. I stay busier, but not much is for just me. A lot of it is commitments and juggling schedules to be with my kids. I have some GAL events coming up. That will help.
Lots of love for my DB family. Thanks for everything you do for me, and everyone here. I appreciate you all, and hope you are all doing well. Thanks!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
