Moving Forward

[Enigma]

Hi EMMess,
Catching up and I see many similarities.

Hi Mutatio,
I find myself in a situation in which my wife, has told me repeatedly she is "done" and has moved on, no in the form of physical intimacy but in the fact that she is done putting me above herself. We are leaving separately now, and only speak when we have to. Our relationship has deteriorated from H and W, to friendship, to now just co-parents. Of course, this is all disheartening. Then add the element of OM, who has her attention now, and I am beginning to question whether this is salvageable.

I can relate entirely to this as my W has said she is done as well and moved on with OM (now living with him). The hardest part is letting them go and live their own life they believe will bring them happiness. All we can do is focus on ourselves and our children and try to find our own happiness from within. Being an introvert myself, this has been challenging as my W was my center as well and my best friend for years. Our contact is limited to S2 logistics, etc. too and nothing more or less.

The selfishness is something that has been present always, but just not to this extent, I guess because she respected me before, now she can care less. So I question, whether this is the person I would want to be with?

I know what you mean here as well. I've questioned whether this changed person is who I want to be with as well. While of course we still love them and want things to work out, we need to look into ourselves during this period and protect ourselves and look out for our best interests. Being a Nice Guy through my marriage, I felt I never deserved anything nice and thought my happiness depended on if my W was happy and living the life she wanted. I neglected myself and became negative and detached from life. NMMNG opened my eyes and taught me "hey, it's okay to take care of myself and do things I want to do that make me happy". The focus on my life has shifted to myself and S2 and provides me much strength.

Of course we "hope" for a new R with our W (let's face it, the old R is dead). But we stay the course with observing the reality of the S for what it is and no expectations. Hope still stays with us, but is easier to face life with no expectations of new R. I look at it now as things will unfold as they should in the Universe and God has plans for us all.

At this point I am beginning to feel that it is a lot more important for me to reclaim myself, to value my self-respect, and self-worth. My worth is not defined by my wife, but right now, I feel I have made her my emotional center. How do we give up so much power to someone else? At the cost of ourselves. I am now beginning to build faith on the fact that God and the Universe has something in stored for me that would be better. I hope that is a new relationship with my wife (one who is willing to work on us as well as herself).

This is a journey and as you gain self-respect and self-worth NOT dependent on anyone else, it is like a perpetual wheel that your attitude will slowly feel different and you will become happy with who you are and the person you will become because you CONTROL that. I still have insecurities about myself and worry what others may think of me, but that is far less than the anxiety I used to have and low self-esteem. I have a ways to go but know I will get to that point of understanding my own being and who I truly am as a person (and being happy with that person).

Through this all, our W's may see that change in us and want to R with a new relationship which is of course what we want and hope for. But this may never happen either. And learning to understand this is okay either way is the hard part of the journey because in the end we will be a better person either way.

Just my thoughts but wanted to share. Stay strong.