Wow, this is like a mirror where I haven't read ... opened my eyes as well. I read your list and thought "Jeez.. did I type this?". Considering similarities, unfortunately, I don't believe revealing any of this to your W will accomplish much. In any event, I think this is great for you and should be the focus on improving what you want / need for yourself. Your "actions" on improvements and your confidence will speak louder than any words. I've started to experience that personally in my S since I placed boundaries, but the journey is still ongoing. She will start to notice as your actions become consistent. One important thing that's taken me some time to grapple with is that although we do DB'ing for ourselves, the outcome of our S may never change. And I'm learning that this is okay. Not necessarily what we want to hear or think, but improving ourselves will also help us feel better about ourselves in the long run.
I am no vet by any means and about 6 months into my S, and I continue to learn like we all will here. Overall I think you are doing great and this introspection is huge into your growth regardless of the outcome of the S.
Just my .02 worth.
Last edited by Cristy; 11/10/1510:40 PM.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Wiseman, I am so glad you've read those two books. Maybe you can share with some other men how these books have helped you.
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With that being said, should I set some time up to express my recent revelations to my W? I know that normally these types of interactions go against everything I have read on the threads, but I want her to know how I feel. Is this a wise move, or should I just keep them to myself?
That's the thing about getting excited over new information.......you usually want to share it. I see the same thing happen to men who read the LL book. They want to immediately apply what they've read. However, the LL book is very pursuing (IMO) and, usually, the application needs to sit on the back burner until she ends the A and they are both wanting to save the M.
As much as you want to tell her how this information has affected you, this isn't the time. The WW sees it being a way of you trying to persuade her to give you another chance. If this has really opened your eyes to the point you are determined to change and become the man you really want to be........she'll see it. Don't worry about the lack of interactions. I have seen guys who won't go out an GAL b/c they want to hang around the WW and "show" her their wonderful changes.....but it doesn't work. As long as he is trying to persuade her with words, or even his actions, it doesn't work. Do you know why the actions don't work when you are using them to persuade her that you've changed? B/c she can tell that's exactly what you are doing. She sees it as another form of pressuring her. It is like she has another sense and she can detect it pretty quickly.
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How do I gain respect and become attractive if our interactions have almost completely vanished? I don't shower her with attention anymore, I do some housework (not all, more like 50/50), no cooking, but I do the grocery's (always have). What do I need to do to get her to possibly begin respecting me? Anything?
I think you have to let go of thinking about your limited time of interaction, b/c it will pressure you to try too hard...whenever you are in her presence.
You need to start today in becoming that great guy who does not tolerate disrespect from anyone, and especially your W and kids, but do it b/c you decide to live this way from now one. Get the right mindset and keep it 24/7. I believe when you see for yourself where you have gone wrong, then you can practice the right way (and act as if you are that guy women respect). Don't make any grand pronouncements about it. Don't set up a time to explain what you've learned. Just become that man.
I'll write more later. In the meantime, you can research your question on the Internet and see it is enlightening. Those articles about 5 reasons, or 6 steps, etc, usually doesn't begin to scrape the surface. Anyway, why not google it and see what you get.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It seems that You, me, Enigma, Vise82 and in similar sitchs.
One thing I'm mulling over is to get some grocery shopping but not all. For instance I have done it for the last 2 weeks but she can do it next. In the past I have done 90%. W is a pescetarian (fish and veg etc) whereas me and the boys eat anything. So I'll buy more meat for me and the boys and less of what she likes. W has a very particular diet, gluten free, caffeine free, meat freE. In the past I would make vegetarian soup for us both, now I will make it with meat.
Anything to change the dynamic and not be a BFF
Last edited by Cristy; 11/10/1510:49 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
"Does anyone have suggestions on how I improve my odds if I am not given an opportunity to show improvement?
Do I just keep working on GAL? The 180 is also hard because there isn't a lot I can show her due to our limited interaction time."
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