Not So Decent Past: I'll start from beginning and bring everyone up to where I am now. My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and dated for 5 years before that. I am 30 and she is 29. We have been in a bit of a rut for what I would estimate to be roughly 2 to 3 years. My wife has since then complained that I don't pay attention to her and that I don't care about our relationship. I'll admit that I have lost some focus on our relationship and been distracted at home with hobbies of mine but I certainly care very much so about our relationship. She's has even gona as far as suggesting that maybe were not right for each other and hinted at divorce indirectly. I always thought maybe this was something everyone goes through in a long term relationship getting comfortable or losing some passion that was there at one time. I was ignorant and had always assumed things would turn around on their own. We went on living our busy lives had a son who is 18 months now. No major issues but things hadn't seemed to get better or worse.
Recent Past: Recently about a month ago I started sensing that she wasn't paying attention to me weird I know because I was typically the distracted one. I found she was talking to the new guy at work quite often when I looked over her shoulder or asked who she was texting it was him. I took some offence to this so I talked to her her and asked qhy she is always talking to him and she would respond defensively saying no I don't talk to him often. A couple weeks ago I noticed she was not talking to him anymore instead to some freinds she didn't normally message. So I got suspicious and started snooping though her phone I found she had disguised the guy from works name as her girl freinds from work. She was also speaking dirty with him. I did some more digging and found she messaged a freinds of hers some details they kissed at work and were talking about wanting to do more. At this point I had to confront her and I did. She apologized and said she didn't want to hurt me and never planned for it to happen. She also brought up past issues we had and blamed her infidelity on the fact that she was sad and that I wasn't there for her and that she lost her passion for our relationship. We had a long talk and I eluded to the fact that I am a forgiving person who doesn't hold grudges and that I thought I could forgive her we agreed to go to counseling and work to try fix our issues she also said she would break the emotional and physical affair off with the guy from work. We went on with our busy lives.
Since confrontation and where I am at now: We have had many discussions about our feelings and I have done my very best to try to bring back the passion and the attention to our relationship. I still feel nervous and I have found my self snooping and playing detective. Just in the last week I have found my wife has still been talking to him and I am 99% the physical aspect has continued also. I tried bringing up the the fact that I don't think it's possible for us to work on our relationship if she still has a relationship with him I haven't confronted with evidence just speculation she has always responded negatively.
Our future: I cannot see my life without this woman I love so dearly by my side I want to heal our relationship and want her to end the affair. When I talk with her about what she wants she always says she doesn't know and that she's gota figure it out. She says she needs space but I fear if I give her space she will just become more entangled with her coworker she's having the affair with. She says she wouldn't be leaving me to be with him she would leave me because she doesn't think she will be able to be happy in our relationship anymore.
I want my wife back I can forgive her for what she has done but I need her to stop and be my sweet special girl again. What should I do and what advice do you have for me. How can I get her to care again about me and us? She keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me but the fact is she's hurting me more and more every day.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for your response I'll do my best to get though all this reading material. I am not the best reader at the best of times however life is important so I will have some motivation need to fix this life that's broken.
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
So I did some reading into the sample from DR and it sounds like I'm in the walk away wife syndrome catagory. Makes it sound like I'm on a fast track towards divorce. How do I help my wife to learn the truth about divorce so she won't be so quick to dismiss my offer to change and to be a better husband
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the tip cadet I will get the books are they available at book store or will I need to buy online I am worried if I buy it online I won't know where to ship it so my wife won't find it. Maybe there is an electronic version I can buy and read on my phone? Anyone know? Also I am the technologically savy one of the 2 of us I'll be sure to cover tracks to the DB site.
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
I am going through all the posts that were mentioned and I am going though the sandi's rules section and I'm wondering if these rules apply to all situations. Unfortunately I have broken many of them already. Should I start to follow now or is it too late?
Rules Broken By Me: 1 definitely pursuing hard to stop want M to work out so bad 2 not phone calls but texts I been texting her trying to give her the attention she's been seeking. 4 more like trying to give her my attention though I'm not typically seeking attention. 5 definitely talked about future wanting to save our m thinking talking about what future should look like will help. 7 since I found out she's talking to Coworker I've been looking for reassurance all the time 9 haven't scheduled date yet but w and I talked about it thinking it would help reignite the flame. 10 was spying non stop thinking it would make me feel better if I knew everything definitely made me feel worse I have stopped since I joined DB and It feels better to have hope then to know she's still taking to OM 11 say I love you all the time before we depart from each other's presence. 12 I haven't acted as if I'm moving on I've told her I want to save/fix our relationship. 15 u usually start convo I can't stand the silence waiting for her to start it. 16 I was very nervous about this OM from her work so I asked tons of questions trying to get her to trip up and catch her in a lie. 17 haven't done this yet 19 I have showed my sadness to her 20 talked about marriage and relationship when I confronted her about the A. 22 she had accused me of being over the top and coming of as fake recently. 24 haven't been patient and pulled back wanted to pay more attention to her and bring her closer to keep her away from OM. 29 haven't done 180 just tried harder to do the things I was letting her down with in the past. 30 definitely gave the impression that I'm desperate to save our M. 31 I've focused on her and her needs when we talk. 35 text her lots to try to give her the attention she's wants
Looks like someone better call the principal or the cops I've been breaking rules left right and center.
Ok I shall start to try to follow rules as of right now. Thanks so much for your reaponce I don't really have anyone in my life I can talk to about this issue and I am so glad I can have someone or many people to talk to one here.
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
Hi SadJeff Mate your not on your own with what you have done wrong. I have done and have continued to do exactly the same things. My W walked out 6 months ago. and I did the showing sadness and crying thing only the other day. I'm a stand up strong guy, not afraid of anyone, but this has reduced me to a pathetic shadow of myself, with no backbone. Sometimes I say to myself what the hell, just get on with it, but then I revert back to being weak. I just have to get it together. It's very hard.
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
