My husband first told me he wanted a divorce on my 30th birthday, in August 2015. He's my best friend and my soul mate. We have been married 7 years, almost 8. We have three kids, ages 4, 2 and 4months. At the time of this announcement, our baby was just about a month old. He has been working in another state for two years now. It seems there is so much stacked against us. How can we be a family, when he's hardly home. I would say he's a walk away spouse. I am completely shocked by this and he has been home just twice since this happening. But after much reading and reflection, I can see exactly how our marriage has been slowly falling apart. I think I've been blind to it all, because I'm so wrapped up in being a mom. I realize now that I have been unhappy in my marriage and I have realized that I have been feeling him slip away for quite some time now. I have done all the wrong things. Begging, trying to explain, promising things will change. I realized that was not only not working, but pushing him away. He actions and words towards me now, have been so opposite of the man I know and love. I believe he is pushing me away and he's truly hurting. He said he's happy and wants me to move on.
I recently read the 'divorce remedy' twice through and I love it. I have started to implement the last resort technique, as he is gone and in the process of filing for divorce. He recently sent me a text saying he wants to take the kids to his mother's in Washington (I'm in Colorado) for Christmas. On top of the divorce shock, this was very painful. I haven't spent a day away from the kids since they were born and even though this made me feel so left out and scared (especially with no parenting plan yet in place, and being just at the very start of a divorce)I was able to look outside of my own feelings and remind myself that he's my husband, my best friend and I need to put myself aside and trust him. I told him I wasn't comfortable with them leaving the state without me and without a parenting plan. Especially with them being so little. He was angered by this, saying all kinds of hurtful things. With the last resort technique, I put my emotions aside and chose not to react with hurt. So, I told him I was okay with him taking the kids to Washington. I recently saw a lawyer, just to be prepared. This whole taking the kids made me withdrawal and feel unsafe in communicating with him. He called me yesterday and I was so anxious picking up, assuming it was to obtain information for the divorce or to talk about the Christmas trip. But, surprisingly, he wanted to see how we were doing. He asked about trick or treating, and just general questions about the kids. I kept the conversation short and excused myself. I felt myself getting emotional hearing his voice. Before we ended the call he asked if he could Skype the kids later. Of course, I said yes. I was happy that he was pursuing time with the kids, even if just over a computer screen. After the Skype session he called me and asked how I was doing and asked if my mom was being supportive of me during this time. He said he cares for me and wants me to be ok and that he worries about me. Our relationship, I believe has grown apart for many reasons, one being that I have moved closer to dependency and he has moved closer to independence. So it makes sense that he's worried about me, so I'm doing all I can to act as if I'm fine, and I actually am. I have put A lot of time into healing and understanding. And I believe this has been easier with him so far away. Gives us both space to really evaluate. Here's my question/dilemma; I sent him a picture of our baby last night and here's how he responded ( side note, he has a hard time opening up emotionally and has refused to go to counseling with me, even just for close. He said he does not care about our relationship or what happened, but I don't believe him ) " thank you for the photo. I love our children so much!! You and I have made beautiful children together!! I don't regret the choices I have made to marry you and to create the family we have made. The choice that you and I made together to leave school and get married was the best decision I made. It has made me the person I am now. Yes I have made many mistakes during that time. I have fallen short many times during our marriage as a husband. I'm sorry for those mistakes W, I really am. I tried my best, I really did. I know that you don't agree with my choice of divorce and I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I love you and I always will! I have you and our families best interest in my thoughts and every choice that I make. Please forgive me. I have asked God to forgive me and I know that the choice will affect us in many ways. I do understand that moving on with my choice. Understand that I will never have ill feelings towards you moving on, I just want the best for you! I'm here for you...I know that we have not been the best to each other lately. I don't want to tear each other down anymore. I am moving forward but I will not tear you down in the process anymore. You don't do that to people you care about. I'm hurting you enough by the choice that I have made.". how do I respond?? Or do I? normally I would pour out my heart over this. I'm very emotionally connect, while he isn't. So I don't want to respond like I would normally. But I don't want him to think that by not responding, it didn't mean anything to me. Because it meant a lot and although he believes our marriage is over...I am moving forward in trying to save our marriage. I have so much love for him and I have tried to tell him he's making a mistake and that has only pushed him further and he has moved faster towards filing because of my actions. I think he's confused and divorce won't things better like he imagines.
He has sent me a divorce settlement and wants to settle out of court, but I feel he has no idea the details of divorce. He has not seen a lawyer, I have. And his mom is a supreme court judge, working in family law, so If he has gotten any legal advice, its from her. He said that he doesn't owe me alimony, but of course the lawyer let me know that was absolutely not the case. I gave up everything to have kids and raise them. But since I care for him so much and I believe he wants to take care of me, I am considering either accepting his offer or denying alimony all together to show him I care about him and that I can care for myself. If I were to litigate, I would get quite a bit more in alimony than what he is offering, but for me its not about the money or proving him wrong.
My ultimate goal is to reconcile, even if that means letting him get the divorce and letting him realize on his own that we should be together. I don't want him to hurt. I want to be supportive in him finding his way and I want to be stronger and better for myself and our children.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/10/1509:49 PM. Reason: Name removed
