My husband first told me he wanted a divorce on my 30th birthday, in August 2015. He's my best friend and my soul mate. We have been married 7 years, almost 8. We have three kids, ages 4, 2 and 4months. At the time of this announcement, our baby was just about a month old. He has been working in another state for two years now. It seems there is so much stacked against us. How can we be a family, when he's hardly home. I would say he's a walk away spouse. I am completely shocked by this and he has been home just twice since this happening. But after much reading and reflection, I can see exactly how our marriage has been slowly falling apart. I think I've been blind to it all, because I'm so wrapped up in being a mom. I realize now that I have been unhappy in my marriage and I have realized that I have been feeling him slip away for quite some time now. I have done all the wrong things. Begging, trying to explain, promising things will change. I realized that was not only not working, but pushing him away. He actions and words towards me now, have been so opposite of the man I know and love. I believe he is pushing me away and he's truly hurting. He said he's happy and wants me to move on.
I recently read the 'divorce remedy' twice through and I love it. I have started to implement the last resort technique, as he is gone and in the process of filing for divorce. He recently sent me a text saying he wants to take the kids to his mother's in Washington (I'm in Colorado) for Christmas. On top of the divorce shock, this was very painful. I haven't spent a day away from the kids since they were born and even though this made me feel so left out and scared (especially with no parenting plan yet in place, and being just at the very start of a divorce)I was able to look outside of my own feelings and remind myself that he's my husband, my best friend and I need to put myself aside and trust him. I told him I wasn't comfortable with them leaving the state without me and without a parenting plan. Especially with them being so little. He was angered by this, saying all kinds of hurtful things. With the last resort technique, I put my emotions aside and chose not to react with hurt. So, I told him I was okay with him taking the kids to Washington. I recently saw a lawyer, just to be prepared. This whole taking the kids made me withdrawal and feel unsafe in communicating with him. He called me yesterday and I was so anxious picking up, assuming it was to obtain information for the divorce or to talk about the Christmas trip. But, surprisingly, he wanted to see how we were doing. He asked about trick or treating, and just general questions about the kids. I kept the conversation short and excused myself. I felt myself getting emotional hearing his voice. Before we ended the call he asked if he could Skype the kids later. Of course, I said yes. I was happy that he was pursuing time with the kids, even if just over a computer screen. After the Skype session he called me and asked how I was doing and asked if my mom was being supportive of me during this time. He said he cares for me and wants me to be ok and that he worries about me. Our relationship, I believe has grown apart for many reasons, one being that I have moved closer to dependency and he has moved closer to independence. So it makes sense that he's worried about me, so I'm doing all I can to act as if I'm fine, and I actually am. I have put A lot of time into healing and understanding. And I believe this has been easier with him so far away. Gives us both space to really evaluate. Here's my question/dilemma; I sent him a picture of our baby last night and here's how he responded ( side note, he has a hard time opening up emotionally and has refused to go to counseling with me, even just for close. He said he does not care about our relationship or what happened, but I don't believe him ) " thank you for the photo. I love our children so much!! You and I have made beautiful children together!! I don't regret the choices I have made to marry you and to create the family we have made. The choice that you and I made together to leave school and get married was the best decision I made. It has made me the person I am now. Yes I have made many mistakes during that time. I have fallen short many times during our marriage as a husband. I'm sorry for those mistakes W, I really am. I tried my best, I really did. I know that you don't agree with my choice of divorce and I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I love you and I always will! I have you and our families best interest in my thoughts and every choice that I make. Please forgive me. I have asked God to forgive me and I know that the choice will affect us in many ways. I do understand that moving on with my choice. Understand that I will never have ill feelings towards you moving on, I just want the best for you! I'm here for you...I know that we have not been the best to each other lately. I don't want to tear each other down anymore. I am moving forward but I will not tear you down in the process anymore. You don't do that to people you care about. I'm hurting you enough by the choice that I have made.". how do I respond?? Or do I? normally I would pour out my heart over this. I'm very emotionally connect, while he isn't. So I don't want to respond like I would normally. But I don't want him to think that by not responding, it didn't mean anything to me. Because it meant a lot and although he believes our marriage is over...I am moving forward in trying to save our marriage. I have so much love for him and I have tried to tell him he's making a mistake and that has only pushed him further and he has moved faster towards filing because of my actions. I think he's confused and divorce won't things better like he imagines.
He has sent me a divorce settlement and wants to settle out of court, but I feel he has no idea the details of divorce. He has not seen a lawyer, I have. And his mom is a supreme court judge, working in family law, so If he has gotten any legal advice, its from her. He said that he doesn't owe me alimony, but of course the lawyer let me know that was absolutely not the case. I gave up everything to have kids and raise them. But since I care for him so much and I believe he wants to take care of me, I am considering either accepting his offer or denying alimony all together to show him I care about him and that I can care for myself. If I were to litigate, I would get quite a bit more in alimony than what he is offering, but for me its not about the money or proving him wrong.
My ultimate goal is to reconcile, even if that means letting him get the divorce and letting him realize on his own that we should be together. I don't want him to hurt. I want to be supportive in him finding his way and I want to be stronger and better for myself and our children.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/10/1509:49 PM. Reason: Name removed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to see that you are here. It's a place where no one wants to be, and on the other hand you will get great support.
May I ask you a question regarding alimony? If you aren't working could this money be useful to you and the bringing up of your kids if you can't reconcile?
Rouky thank you for your response I tried making a point to my husband that to maintain the kids and my lifestyle, I would have to seek more support or work. However, he feels I should accept his offer, stay at home and do online schooling while I am raising the kids. If I seek more support, i'd be proving my worth but I'd likely lose him for good. If I accept his offer, I would be allowing him to take care of us which I think makes it easier on him to leave us. My pride wants to prove that I don't need him and I can survive and provide without him. I feel that just accepting his offer is allowing him to lead, which I believe he feels he was never allowed to lead our family. The kids and I would be better off accepting his offer and using that time to further my education. I don't want him to feel justified for the hurt he is cause, by providing financially.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I sent him a picture of our baby last night and here's how he responded ( side note, he has a hard time opening up emotionally and has refused to go to counseling with me, even just for close. He said he does not care about our relationship or what happened, but I don't believe him ) " thank you for the photo. I love our children so much!! You and I have made beautiful children together!! I don't regret the choices I have made to marry you and to create the family we have made. The choice that you and I made together to leave school and get married was the best decision I made. It has made me the person I am now. Yes I have made many mistakes during that time. I have fallen short many times during our marriage as a husband. I'm sorry for those mistakes W, I really am. I tried my best, I really did. I know that you don't agree with my choice of divorce and I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I love you and I always will! I have you and our families best interest in my thoughts and every choice that I make. Please forgive me. I have asked God to forgive me and I know that the choice will affect us in many ways. I do understand that moving on with my choice. Understand that I will never have ill feelings towards you moving on, I just want the best for you! I'm here for you...I know that we have not been the best to each other lately. I don't want to tear each other down anymore. I am moving forward but I will not tear you down in the process anymore. You don't do that to people you care about. I'm hurting you enough by the choice that I have made.". how do I respond?? Or do I? normally I would pour out my heart over this. I'm very emotionally connect, while he isn't. So I don't want to respond like I would normally. But I don't want him to think that by not responding, it didn't mean anything to me. Because it meant a lot and although he believes our marriage is over...I am moving forward in trying to save our marriage. I have so much love for him and I have tried to tell him he's making a mistake and that has only pushed him further and he has moved faster towards filing because of my actions. I think he's confused and divorce won't things better like he imagines.
I think you are on the right track. Although I would accept his settlement offer and the money involved, I would NOT take nothing. If you want to fight for more - OK.
I would also for give him. Tell him that you love him enough to let him go if that is what he truly desires.
He sounds guilt ridden.
This is what may happen.
Quote:
My ultimate goal is to reconcile, even if that means letting him get the divorce and letting him realize on his own that we should be together
You are smart to consult a lawyer regarding protecting you and your children. Your lawyer isn't going to advise you on how to reconcile with your husband. Your lawyer is going to do what is best for you and your kids financially, which is good!
The good news is that you do want to reconcile. There is much that can be done. Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Last edited by Cristy; 11/11/1506:47 PM.
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
brit, I am sorry that you are now a member of a club that no one wanted to be a member of...but it's a good club of people who care and want to help any way they can.
So, let's begin. When posting, please try to post in paragraph form. It's easier for us to read and follow your postings. Okay?
I'm glad you've spoken to a lawyer and been advised as to what you are entitled to. Yes, you are entitled to child support and alimony. Do not for one minute think that if you opt not to accept alimony that it will shine a good light on you w/your h. It won't matter. Right now, he wants out and he all he wants is to get far away from the marriage and start over. Right now is a good time to strike while the iron is hot because he is guilt ridden. Trust me, that won't last very long...so ask for what you think you will need (aim high) and the negotiating will begin.
You can be supportive to your h by saying exactly what Cadet posted to you "Tell him that you love him enough to let him go if that is what he truly desires." Nothing more and no more discussions w/him about how much love him and want the relationship to work out. The more you discuss reconciling the more he's going to run/push the other way.
Because you have children, you can't go completely dark, but you can go dim and only have contact w/him about the children or in an emergency. If he becomes argumentative and/or ugly, cut the conversations short and walkaway. Don't always be available if he calls or emails/texts you. Get back to him later, maybe an hour or so or even the next day. He needs to realize that you aren't always going to be there for him right now.
I want you to start focusing on YOU and your children. They need you now more than ever. There's nothing you can do for your h. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Work on you. Any changes that you make, you make them for YOU and they have become permanent and not just to get him back. Now is the time to think about working on those projects/hobbies that you've put aside over the years. Make a list of the things that you want to accomplish in the next few months and start working on them.
Again, it's now time to turn the focus on to YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for your support, great advice and encouragement.
I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, as I was busy having a life of my own:)
I have been really pulling away from my husband. I have answered some of his calls and texts. I have been loving and cheerful towards him.
I have been focusing on my health, emotional and physical. Working out, counseling (for me, not my marriage) and being a more engaged mom. I feel positive about life and my future.
Just the other day my husband called and I Answered. I had ignored a few calls earlier that day. He mostly asked about the kids and talked shorty with our daughter (4). About 5 minutes after ending our call he sent a text saying that I sounded in good spirits and he was glad... whatever was causing it. I didn't respond. Then he sent another text shortly after saying that he sensed that I was holding back from telling him something but that it was none of his business. I figured he was maybe thinking I was dating someone. I still didn't respond...I wasn't going to respond to hints. So I waited for him to actually ask. And he did. He simply asked if I met someone. I didn't defend myself as I normally would. I wanted to tell him that of course I wasn't seeing anyone and it was his business since we are still married. I felt his suspicion really told how little he knows of me. The thought of being with someone other than him literally makes me feel sick. My response to him was simply "no". Then he changed the subject to something about our bank account.
I have no idea what this means. Expect he's showing interest. He's curious about what I'm up to and why I sound happy. He called the next day twice. I answered the 2nd time. I thought he was calling to set up a time to talk to the kids. But he said he wanted to see what I was up to.
I haven't heard from him since. I have been working really hard on myself and part of me feels relief to be set free from a relationship with a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship. I will never love anyone the way I love him. But now is a time to love myself. In fact I remember before this happened he said "how can I love someone who doesn't love themselves" he's right. I have been suppressing so many emotions and memories for far too long. My therapist will help with that. My husband and I both come from bad childhoods and I feel we both married a broken person. So I will focus on my healing and giving him space and support to find himself.
I have been anticipating being served this past week by a sheriff. But it hasn't happened yet.
