Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Snap out of winter blues accomplishments of the day:
I went for an early morning run with a meetup group. It was the first time I completed a 10K although I walked a lot of it. It was an extremely hilly trail, something I rarely can accomplish even at a 5K level. Although having a buddy to run with pushed me to run more than I would have on my own.

I met with my IC today and I explored some of my loving feelings toward H, she reminded me to not trust his current state of kindness. I went out with a fellow faculty wife last night and found out that there was a lot of speculation about H and OW for a while. I think I am pretty much confirmed now that it definitely was an A, not just a friendship. That feels kind of bittersweet. I am relieved to know I wasn't creating fantasies. But I the reality of the betrayal is very painful and raw. To think that after all of the hell he put me through with his triangulation and bullying behavior, the A is still what hurts the most. Maybe if it was with a stranger--someone I didn't know and my kids didn't know, and our mutual friends didn't know, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I think as much as it is pain, it is also shame of knowing what a fool they made of me--by being so publicly inappropriate while I was left in the dark. I need to figure out how to use this pain proactively. To be angry, rather than victimized. To let go of the entire situation and move past it rather than still trying to find ways to rewrite it.

I really wish I can just separate completely from them. OW is D's teacher. She has been giving D hand me downs from her D, and I don't understand why he is allowing her to be in our kids lives outside of the professional responsibility she has to them. The judge made it clear that we are not to bring around paramours--did he miss that part? I reminded him of that last time I saw him--and I was calm and composed when I did, which was good. Who knows if he gets it. But it did make me feel better.

Will this ever get better?

Tonight I am debating going out for hibachi and karaoke with another meetup group. I really need to control my spending, but at the same time the isolation combined with my winter blues is a concern. I think I need to get out and socialize as much as I can.