In April my husband of 6 years told me He no longer loved me and needed a divorce. I then went into freak out mode because it was a shock. I then find out he was having an emotional affair with a girl. I emailed her and she never replied but it was over. It can get you in trouble in the military and that is a big nono. We start therapy soon after where he lays the blame solely on me... 12 sessions in things are slowly getting better. He gets out of the military and we move to a new state. We lease a house together move in on August 10 on August 17th > he tells me I want a divorce and I am going to live on campus... I begged ..I pleaded and he just rejected more. He left august 28th. At first we would fight over everything. We have 4 boys and he was doing bimonthly pickups and every time I saw him ..he would be mean.I read DB and started to focus on me. I was now working and life sucked but bearable. 3 weeks ago he took himself off our insurance and it made my premium sky rocket. I called him frantic and rehashed the same issues . I told him I was very emotional and to not get the boys. then I begged him back and that was a huge fail on my part. The next day he came and stayed the whole afternoon with the boys and had dinner with us. The next weekend he spent the night and played with the boys. That same week I wrote an apology letter to him asking him to forgive me ( backstory in feb 2014 I had an event that spiraled me into depression and I was pretty mean) I have not heard anything about the letter. He did call to see how I was doing and then stayed over this past weekend . He sleeps on the couch. I tried to be busy and not all in his face I have been going to counseling and started going back to church
But I am still lost and thinking I am messing things up. I gave him a hug on sunday and I could tell it was forced. I hate that I did that
what more should I be doing? I do not have time for me time since I have four boys and a job and by 7 I just want to crawl in bed from being exhausted.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It does. I try not to be negative around the boys. I keep them on a schedule and we play a lot of board games. My H is a presence in their lives but he does not call them every night and that is something my youngest needs right now
How many days out of the month do the kids stay with their dad? It sounds as if you need some time without them, so that you could do things for yourself.
I understand depression. I am the type that when I am depressed, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything special for myself. However, that is really what we should do. It may feel like taking medication in the beginning, but we have to do what it takes to get out of flunk. Are you taking anything for depression now? If I had 4 kids, I don't how I'd get out of bed in the mornings!
Quote:
My H is a presence in their lives but he does not call them every night and that is something my youngest needs right now
Have you tried dialing your H's phone and putting your youngest on to talk? You don't have to say anything to your H, just give the phone to your child.
What are the ages of you and your H?
Has there been any other affairs in the past?
I think you need to have a lot of pride in your appearance and show much dignity in your behavior toward your H. No more begging, pleading, writing letters, etc. That is like a death sentence to the spouse who is not wanting to stay in the M.
What was his relationship with the kids like before he left?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
None. He has come over and spent the night. They have only spent the night at his place twice. I started taking Zoloft after he asked for a divorce because I was inconsolable and continue on it. I have had my S call a few times I am 36 and he is 32 No affairs (that I know of) He has always been a great and very attentive father
I called him yesterday because my S 16 was having a bad day and told me he wanted to move back to Cali. He tells me he wishes he wouldn't have moved us...ouch ...I then reacted and he hung up on me...cue the texts...ughhhh why is this so hard?!
