Six to Nine

[mahhhty]

There was a development immediately after posting this AM. That had thrown me through a loop. I was told that X may be with someone, and to check out social media. I did and put the pieces together and found that it might be 99% accurate.

After reeling for awhile, I decided to bring, not email, not text, but bring my letter to her and confront her. The letter was mostly the same. This was impulsive, but I decided to listen to my gut.

I got there and asked to talk. Made small talk about the kidney transplant (she has 11 potential donors, thanks to her Mom's FB campaign). I gave her the letter and asked her to read it. She sat down and went through it. She didn't cry. She didn't get emotional. At the end, she asked when I wrote it and she said it was really nice.

Letter:

X,
A person who loves their spouse does not do anything unloving or unkind in manner, word or action. Love is what love does. I was oblivious to your pain, and its depth. I trivialized your perspective, was consumed with distractions, hence withdrawn, amped up and overly critical.

As I am sure you felt, lying next to each other became the loneliest place in the world.

Divorce is an individual problem. It cannot be generalized. Of course, for some there should never be a marriage. For others, divorce is no more a solution than a marriage is for a lonely person. For me, it is unfortunate that your actions, not your words, were the catalyst I needed for personal growth. I lost my way and myself. I focused on being a victim circumstance in a situation I couldn't change or control, rather than being in control of my happiness and my life. I felt entitled to happiness, and expected it to happen to me without work or effort. Obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. Animosity and fear were in my closet on a personal level and as a partner, preventing me from confronting and being receptive to issues with empathy and compassion. I constantly felt my solutions were the only way and the correct way. I kept score, felt unloved, un wanted and unappreciated. I was in an emotional/physical rut, which felt like a grey cloud was over me.

I acknowledge and understand that you were deeply hurt. After all a woman who historically disliked change, sought the largest change possible for a family. On some level I'm sure there are people, actions, stories or events that supported the belief that divorce was your key to happiness. Without you explaining it, I won't ever understand your perspective or timeline. You don't make me happy, sad or angry, those are my feelings to deal with. I've worked through those in my own way at my own speed.

I am sorry for my contributions to our demise.

To say I have missed you would be an understatement. I hoped for many days that you would walk back in like you never left. It wasn't until a conversation with your parents when I understood you never would. Alternately, if it wasn't for you leaving I may have never taken a hard look at me. I'ver learned more about myself and relationships than ever before. My life is heading in a new direction. One that I control.

Surely, this letter gives you any ammo you need to reinforce the idea that I'm the cause of your unhappiness and you are a victim of my actions. I know you felt this at least once, when you said, "I wished you had hit me, so people could tell I was in pain." I no longer think that is a reflection on myself. I can already hear myself in my S, when he says "Daddy are you happy?" At the crux of me that is all I want, for the people around me to have fun and be happy. I wish you spoke up and did so before you wanted to leave. I imagine by the time you were able to stay it out loud, you were already thinking about leaving.

I believe we failed our children, our families, our vows, and each other. I believe the characteristics you and you're sister love about your parents are the exact ones we couldn't achieve by working together. I think its the hard times that make a lasting couple, not the happy ones. The grass is never greener on the other side it is green where you water it.

I know what we shared. I need no validation or concurrence to know that we had something most only hope to find. We were better together than we could have been apart. You were my puzzle piece. It came so naturally for me to love you since that fall night. Being a partner, being a parent, being overly career oriented, and working through the toughest part of the marriage map did not. My intentions was to know you everyday for the rest of your life, to give you the best of me everyday, and for you to be proud of your life and ours. I wanted to contribute to your happily ever after. Having a family. Writing a book. Going to Fiji. Any and all. Similarly, you were the only one I wanted to be a part of mine. These intentions were exploited by real life issues, which exemplified the lack of relationship skills necessary to nurture us through the toughest times.

It should be said that we know nothing of each other now. If not for the children we would have no relationship at all. Certainly that is true, which I find saddening. I never wanted to know a day without you, and now I have known far too many.

My hope for you is that you live life to the fullest, love and trust with every fiber of your being, that you confront your fears, and laugh with your whole body each and every day… “Live as much as you can, because you need something to write about.”

mahhhty

Perhaps b/c I wasn't getting the reaction I wanted we started talking. No begging, pleading or anything of that nature. But I did say, I have to know was there someone else. She said there wasn't but there is now. I pressed a little further to check the timeline of our divorce but she held fast that they were not together then.

At the end, I gave her a couple photo albums that she had done. One was the book she gave me after our first year together. 2 pages for every month, all scrapbooked together with at least one sentence for every get together for the year. I told her that was the most genuine present I ever received but it didn't feel right anymore.

About 30 min later, I receive this email:

"I’m still processing what just happened and this letter, but I felt blindsided. Please don’t show up unannounced again. If you need to talk about something, then let me know and we can meet somewhere.

No need to respond."

Why would she respond confrontationally via email? She wasn't confrontational when I was there? and should I respond back?

I would imagine if I do, it will be to really drop the rope, identify that its over, and build a boundary as a business coparenting relationship.

I know I probably shouldn't have done all this. But at least now I know. I needed closure. I think I have it.

I'm ready for a nap, a beer, or to go boating...