H has started an affair 2

[Anna25]

Last night H came in and took my hand, saying "I'm sorry I was upset on the phone,(since yesterday's bill-related conversation was via text) I was mean, but I know you are doing everything for the kids"
I thanked him and we chatted a bit about the house.

It's good to know that he still has conscious. Though it seems like most of the time, his adolescent self-absorbed part is winning right now...

[Anna25]

Sometimes it feels like I should really ask him to leave. I know he doesn't have a place or can't afford one now, but that is not for me to worry?
He is home a little more often/longer lately, but there is not much interaction. He usually sleeping/lying down even when kids are up, or locks himself in the room at night. He would not eat with us, he would not sit in the same room with us, so what is the point? He probably has really nowhere to go when he is with us, like OW working or something.

Then again, I have always initiated and made all the decisions and arrangement for him/us, from finances to vacations. I don't feel like doing that for him now. If I kick him out, he can say "I" kicked him out.

Is separation never a good thing? I know there are both people who say yes and no. In a way I feel like H should experience what a life would be with OW/without house and family, but also I am scared too once he is out, he won't be back...

It's been 3 months already me being nice and cheerful minding my own business, but we are not getting closer obviously.

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, it's difficult to say whether separation might help. I left as soon as my H disclosed his A and clearly wanted to continue with it. Initially I just intended to stay away for a few days to clear my head - but as it turned out he was so confused/unwilling to give up OW, I never returned. But our sitch is different - we don't have kids together and it has been best for me to move close to family. That may not have been the best thing for my sitch, but it has certainly done me some good.

I always think in-house S's are the hardest as the cause of your pain is right there under your nose. If you want to ask him to leave, of course it's your choice. I just try and make decisions I can live with in the longer term. In my sitch, I wouldn't agree to file for D and that has been important to me. For me, if H wanted to end our M, he would need to be the one to do that.

Only thing I would say is I wouldn't S in order that 'H should experience X or Y.' I would only S for your own wellbeing and peace of mind. If you need to S in order to get through this, then suggest a S I would say. But if you are willing to carry on as you are, then do so. I have learned that there really seems to be little you can do once the A 'catches light' - the fire will spread until/unless it dies out. And most do die out of course, although it does take time. The best you can do is look after yourself and the kids - setting appropriate boundaries for your own protection and wellbeing.

Are you managing to GAL, and extend yourself, meet some new people and new activities??

[Anna25]

Sotto, you are right about doing things for me, not to manupilate/punish H. It shows how much I still think about things with H in the center, not myself.
I try hard to detach, but it is so difficult. Despite all the wrongdoing, I still hoplessly love H. Why? I don't know.
One moment I feel like I can concentrate on myself & kids, but other moments I just slip off the course.
How did you learn to detach?

I am meeting new people and going to new places with/without kids. I realized there are a lot of things I/kids were missing out because of my fear/uncomfortableness. I am still in the process, but I am slowly getting out of my comfort zone.

[Sotto]

Funnily enough I just posted about still feeling somewhat attached in my own thread (in MLC.) I think time and GAL are big factors. I also think that often the awful things that WAS do and the associated pain forces some detachment too. You realise that you cannot stay attached 'to that' and self-preservation kicks in.

Good for you with the new people and places. I would certainly carry on with that. I also confronted some of my own (similar) fears. I have a policy of 'accept all invites' now and I'm more upfront about inviting others to do things too - I'm putting myself 'in the arena' more (have you read Brene Brown or seen her TED talks?)

TBH, I think stuff like you describe above is what it is all about and I think the progress you make there will serve you well your whole life. Whatever your H may be doing. I do understand still feeling love for your H. But I think the nature of that love has to change in our sitches. For me, loving my H has become different to 'being with' him. The love doesn't really have conditions - but the being with him does. And that is important I think.

You're doing really well Anna....remember, it is still early days and plenty of time and progress to make xx

[Anna25]

Sotto, I read your post on your thread.
Your words are so wise, strong and honest. I admire your strength to admit what you are truly feeling. I think I am in denial of the situation I am in, and I am denying that I am in denial if that makes sense ;-), because my life just went upside down on BD, I thought I had everything until 3 months ago and believed I knew who I would have for the rest of my life.

I so agree with you about the anticipation of A's outcome. I too think it will not work out in the long run, in the real life...or is it just a false hope I'm clinging to? Am I willing to wait it out? How much can I person take?

Today I feel a lot of anger, towards H and OW. How disrespectful and irresponsible they are. How much pain and confusion they are causing to people who love and trusted H. I do not want to act on emotions, so I am just writing it out and saying out loud in the car by myself... but it is very tough to control such hurt and humiliation.

[Anna25]

Friday morning H didn't get home for kids so that I can go to work. I would have dropped them off at SIL, but I just called work and took the kids out to the zoo. I kept my phone off because I really didn't want to talk to H. I saw H was calling and texting later, apologizing H was late because he got too drunk the night before and how he hasn't been drinking all week and it won't happen again blah blah blah..... I just didn't reply. H went to work later and didn't call or text again all weekend to even check in for kids. I just wonder if he is not even worried about his kids whereabouts??

Then H hasn't been home all weekend. H hadn't been home all night during the week either,so I'm sure he is staying with OW. The last time I heard, OW is sharing a room with someone else, but maybe that person is moved out or something.
But H hasn't told me anything about him moving out, all his stuff is here and so is his dog( I asked him to take it if he moves out) I feel like throwing all his stuff out on the porch. I'm extremely sad, but mad about him thinking he can come and go at his convenience. I don't know what to say or do when H comes in Monday morning.

[mvgfwd2]

You need to act as if H is gone. Move his stuff to the garage. Fire him as the babysitter, he has failed at that repeatedly. He is coming and going at his convenience because you let him. Have a new babysitter in place as the PRIMARY babysitter, not H. If he gets home in time to take care of them, good for him, otherwise he is done as the babysitter.

[twinmom]

You need some boundaries. .. i would highly suggest a legal separation because he isn't looking out for the kids best interest in any way.

[Anna25]

So I packed up H's clothes in bags.
H has been out all night last week and when he came in the morning, he looked like he took a shower, which really stung. It's not like before, when H showed up looking like he slept in the car.
H came home tonight after work. I was not expecting him, but he saw the bags and knew what it meant right away. H said he doesn't have another place to live. I told him I had thought he definitely have one since he stayed out all night last week and all weekend. I told H I'm not doing this to punish him but for my peace of mind because I don't want him to be so obvious and disrespectful. H said he understands and he is not mad.

H also apologized again about Friday. I told him I know I can't change him and I'm not trying to, the only thing I can do is choose ( what I want to have for my life and kids') H said he came to see the kids tonight and he cares about the kids all the time. I told him I know that and I'm not trying to take them away from H because kids love him too, but right now, what H says and what he shows in action don't awl ways add up. I told him he has time, energy and money for himself to go out, go to the movies, go camping or go to Disneyland (with OW), but he has done none of it for kids lately which tells me kids are not his priority right now, it's himself. I also told him that H sits them down in front of tv so that he can text or call OW all day does not tell me H wants to be with the kids.

H told me kids don't want to be with him when I'm around (because they prefer mommy) , so I said that's not true. I told H whenever I take kids out, D3 tells me "it was fun, are we coming back next time with daddy too?"
Tonight H was more engaged with kids instead of just lying down in another room.

I said all this calmly and we didn't get in to argument, but maybe I should have stuck to the facts only....

So off he went. H said don't worry I'll have somewhere to stay. He just took clothes and one of the TVs (??)
I mean, he will still come babysit on all weekdays( neither of us can afford to hire all day sitter right now) so I will still see him and he stays out most of the nights anywys, so it might not be too much of a difference. But it feels official and I do feel sad. I'm not sure if I did the right thing. But at the same time I feel a little better knowing I stood up for myself really the first time. I think I got to show him my boundaries and I can not tolerate any more disrespect.

I'm very scared. But I really had no choice. I will just have to see how things will go.