Sotto sotto voce

[Sotto]

Thanks Bttrfly and RD....kind of you to drop in for a late birthday bash.

So, it's divorce group again tonight and I just did my homework. They asked you to pick some goals that resonate with you from a list - mine are:

To accept myself in this new situation
Learn to let go of the past
Learn to forgive
Overcome feelings of rejection
Heal from the traumatic experience of infidelity

Don't worry - five more weeks to go and one a week - should be fine Just kidding.

I realise that I do still struggle to let go. There is plenty of distance in our situation and I rarely initiate. But is distance being detached.....or is it just distance?

On the workshop, they encourage you to see yourself as 'now single' - because many divorced/separated people 'still feel married.' I must admit that - although I've done plenty to build a new life just for me - there is still a soft core of me that feels married. This is something to work on more I think. That balance of choosing to stand for the marriage - but also detached and gratefully accepting the outcome of D if that is what ultimately happens. It just feels like a difficult balance and I'm not really there yet.

I feel that in a practical sense, I can do so many things. And have done them. And I know I've come a long way. It just seems to take a while for the emotions to catch up - like strands caught on something and don't want to let go. Rational me really wants to let go....but there is some inner conflict there.

I guess part of it for me is - I know he has made a choice and I only get to control me. I think the other part is that he has chosen this much younger woman, with a history of infidelity and it was an affair. And so the dream he seeks - a new family - seems unlikely to come off when we look at the stats of affairs succeeding and third marriages succeeding. So, is it this that keeps me 'attached?' Would it help me just to let go of this outcome...of course it would - why would I put my own life on hold...but I still seem to struggle here as I expect things may 'run their course' and then what. I guess part of it for me is that we did have a good M - not perfect - but even H admitted he was happiest he'd ever been until the last year prior to BD. And I guess I just find it hard to process it all sometimes - even though I've been here for a good while now!!

I had a mini-exchange with H this week by email. I updated him on something and he took 48 hours to respond - but with a pleasant email - lots of thank you's and hopes I'm well. It's weird that our exchanges are so pleasant, given all that has passed. We truly are like distant colleagues....should I change it up a bit? I don't know...

Anyway - bit of a mixed time. Maybe part birthday, part time of year and part divorce course. But generally doing okay.

Take care all xx