The other day my wife kissed and said ILY to my kids, then left with the eldest. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, sat on the floor and cried. I got dressed, went to a meeting and met with an old friend for lunch. Don't say anything. It doesn't matter and the chances of full honesty aren't great. Think about the number of times you've lied to your wife when you thought you had a good R, think about how honest you'd be if you thought it was a bad one or none at all. Pointless.
It's tough this-detaching but still being connected. People here can say all they want that you need to totally disconnect, but you can't really do both, be willing to stand for your marriage and totally divorce yourself from feeling anything. You can only accept when you feel like crap, that trying to change her is pointless and do your best to always present yourself in the best light. What I do, in moments of weakness, that seems to be working, is even if I am angry or frustrated or fight and show it, I go out and come back and act as if nothing happened. My w is expecting me to be moody and cold and angry for a while. I won't do that anymore. I have to much at stake. I am not going to drink the pain away anymore. I am not going to allow it to govern my actions anymore. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you bend and feel weak, you don't have to break. You can snap right back.
Your w is going to push all your buttons because she wants you to react the way you always have. If I'm stuck with what is opposite-I just do what my w would do. That throws them off.
