She Wants me to leave...no way! 3

[isittoolate]

Sandi2 - Thanks and those are wise words. I'm trying to find what works and last night didn't work. I will let her ask me if I want to go to the movies. It's not a big deal but if I do it, it will be pursuing.

We are not controlling, manipulative or abusive people, we are both kind, caring and compassionate W more so than me. I have to work at it. It comes naturally to her.

Btw I met the 'EA' again tonight. He came round to the house to loosen a stubborn faucet fixing. We had a 30 min chat about all sorts. Impression: if W had been upfront about there Relationship I wouldn't have been in the least worried about it. But I made a stupid comment when she first told me she was meeting him for coffee about 4/5 months ago - so she hid it from me. I really regret that comment I made now that I have met him properly. I called him weird and he isn't weird just different.

Tonight I went salsa dancing. Again it was great fun, I met some nice people and have signed up initially until Xmas after which I might be able to move to intermediate.

[isittoolate]

Journal:

Yesterday evening was ok. After the kids were in bed W and I watched The Walking Dead.

We had a little conversation about some health issues she has faced since the Summer. She had been to the doctors to get the results of an Ultrasound scan.

She has been having prolonged periods lasting 2-2.5 weeks which for her is obviously very distressing and for me further inhibited my initiating sex.This has been since about July and coupled with some anxiety and hot flushes, convinced her she was having an early menopause. The thought of this scared her a lot, I was supportive, though a little lost as to how I could support her other than words.

Anyway the results of the scan was all good, and the hot flushes and anxiety have stopped. She might still go though an early menopause, time will tell. She is very much into her body image and looks amazing for her age, Maybe this had an influence on her dropping the BD.

I also got a pat on the leg and a 'well done' after showing her a little patchup job I had completed on a chipped fireplace hearth. It was chipped during Halloween weekend during the kids party. Grateful for small mercies

The atypical 'ES' asked to be my FB friend, I accepted. Its certainly not a typical EA but W does get something out of it. On what level its imposssible to tell.

[Huddy]

I would say that she is in the 'change' mode. My W started going weird when she started. I guess it's all those hormones. It must be a terrible thing to go through.

[isittoolate]

I have reworked my W goals and tried to position them as waypoints on a map with the final destination of W deciding to work on our MR.

I would be grateful if Mr Bond could review them and help me refine them.


With W:

1. When W uses her nickname for me (affectionate nickname) more frequently either written or vocally. This will mean she is thinking of me more positively.

2. When W says she would like Us/her to see an IC/MC. An ultimate goal?

3. When W asks for a shoulder rub or foot massage. The most neutral form of physical touch.

4. When W compliments me on a positive change I have made since BD i.e. 'Your such a good father to the kids' 
5. When W wears her wedding band again.
6. When W is 'happy' to go out with me at a function without the kids - even as 'friends'

(NB I need to flesh out the action points below)

Action for W goals: 
To work towards being a more confident, self assured individual, and eliminating any remaining Nice Guy tendencies. To be more lighthearted and flirty, chatty with the opposite sex, Someone who W will respect and find attractive. 
How: Taking more responsibility for organising childcare, being involved with my kids after school activities, volunteering for the scouts, loving and playing with my children more and Continue with my fitness and GAL regime.

Kids:
6. I will show love to our boys each and every day through word and deed...4
7. I will bring fun and laughter into the house and lighten the mood...2
8. I will do more to organise childcare...4
9. I will ring the kids before bed every night I am working away...5
10. I will kiss the kids goodnight and hug them and say ILY when I am at home...5

GAL:
11. I will reignite my passion for running and enter a few races ...4
12. I will start salsa dancing lessons – one or two per week...5
13. I will contact old friends and meet up with them – one every two weeks....4

Personal
14. I will take care of myself with regard to sleep and reduce my sleeping pills...4
15. I will maintain my present weight and not lose anymore....5
16. I will shave each and every day ...4
17. I might get some Botox? (If W can have it so can I!)..5
19. I will do spontaneous act of kindness to friend, neighbour or stranger as opportunities arise....2
20. I will assert myself physically through open  body language, stand tall, eye contact, face W, listen, don't interrupt, validate....3
21. I will look to update my wardrobe...5
22. I will read NMMNG, and Hold on to your NUTS...4

[OhGreat]

To Sandi's point, that's why I said go to karate. That's a loss, you being a great dad and taking away her single mom story there. The fact you won't allow disrespect is a loss to her, that she can't control you is a loss to her etc. Every time one of her friends sees you look great and tell your w (indirectly) that she is out of her mind because you are so fabulous, is loss.

When you think of loss, don't think about taking away what you value, try to think about what the WW thrives on. A ww really doesn't value quality time (but you do right? it's your ll) so why did you take away what you valued? AND HOLYSH!T that (last paragraph) was just an epiphany for me.

[isittoolate]

OG - Thanks for looking in.

I'm going to Kickboxing tonight with boys and taking son swimming on Thursday and then boys to football and scouts on Friday. W is having yet another weekend away...rebellious streak?...with her GF's in a spa.

Which last paragraph???....Sandi's?

[isittoolate]

This morning W called me to discuss kid arrangements after school as S8 is going to a small party and then kickboxing.

I mentioned how it was difficult to get our sons out of bed in the morning (by 7:15) as S11 needs to catch a train at 7:54. Its been an ongoing problem for weeks with me requesting the kids get to bed earlier as they are so sleepy in the morning. I also said I shouted at them this morning. W validated my feelings and excused my shouting saying she sometimes its the same for her and we agreed to work together to get them to bed a little earlier....all good.

Later we exchanged emails as I had to update her on some dates I am working away.

Its W's birthday on 19th Dec, and Star Wars is released in the UK on the 17th. I said to W that I was thinking of taking the boys to see SWars on the 20th and would she like to come if it fitted her schedule for her birthday weekend. She said 'Yes definately Love Star Wars, let me know what youre thinking.'

So again all good.

Things feel calmer, less tense and I feel less anxious.

[sandi2]

She has been having prolonged periods lasting 2-2.5 weeks which for her is obviously very distressing and for me further inhibited my initiating sex.

Did the doctor say for sure what was causing your W's problems? Gosh, that could put a lot of women in a very bad mood, to say the least. And, you probably know not to say anything about about how this affects you, right?

I guess it's all those hormones. It must be a terrible thing to go through.

Aw, that's sweet, Huddy. Actually, it's a lack of hormones, and it has a lot more effect on the body than just hot flashes, (Which would be bad enough, since she can feel she's inside a fiery furnace). It affects the emotions, which can cause her to be a bit more b'tchy, and can cause depression. Sometimes it affects sleep patterns and her energy level. It is definitely a change of life for her. Women need extra emotional support during menopause. Might be a good idea if you google it and read up on it. Unfortunately, it's like DBing. It's not a sprint, but a marathon.

Since she is very conscious of her looks, be sure you compliment her often. Oh, and please don't say what most H's say....."You look nice". Learn other ways of telling her she's beautiful. Just don't overkill and look at her with your tongue hanging out.

Do you think you can handle all of that while being a strong, independent, active, attractive, assertive male?

[isittoolate]

Hi Sandi2

Did the doctor say for sure what was causing your W's problems? Gosh, that could put a lot of women in a very bad mood, to say the least. And, you probably know not to say anything about about how this affects you, right?

I think she has heavy periods initially and then it peters out but continues for 2 even 3 weeks. The doctors have ruled out stuff like fibroids, endometriosis and she had the scan and blood tests, iron etc. I shall try gently to see if there is a definitive diagnosis.

I think it did effect energy levels, hence the iron test, but no depression which is a blessing.

I was always very good over the last 4 years with Words of Affirmation, complimenting her on her looks, clothes choices, how hot she looked in dressing up clothes, and gym clothes, how she was the hottest mum in the school yard etc.

She always looked pleased when I said that stuff, and I meant it. WOA is her secondary LL.

Even now I still say how, that dress really suits her, or that color suits her etc or compliment her on a new outfit she has chosen.

[isittoolate]

Sandi2... I asked her tonight if the doctor had given her the all clear as I was worried about her. She said yes, but she hadn't mentioned the prolonged periods. Not sure why, but she had mentioned the rest I.e. Hot flushes, anxiety, etc.