Thanks Sandy for the advice and strong words of wisdom. This is indeed a fragile situation and one that I feel utterly unprepared for. You are absolutely right - I was in denial. Now I see the situation for what it is.
Right now there is so much frustration inside me. My wife went out of state to visit her grandma. She was out for three days. When she got home, she was talking to her dad and kept talking to him for about two hours. I didn't get a hello or anything. It was as if I was non-existent. I got upset after after about an hour and a half of being ignored (mind you, at this point I was just in the home office trying to stay out of her hair).
I lost my composure and sent her a text message that read
"Ok, I have to admit I am a little upset with you - I haven't seen you in three days and when you come home, it is like you don't want to spend anytime with me or tell me about your trip but then go talk to your dad to tell him everything I wish you would tell me"
She relied that she was upset by my rude text and that I she is not important to me unless it is convenient. I responded by saying that spending time with my wife is important to me but that with all the people in her life that she leans on, that leaves little room for me. I left it at that and there were no more text messages for the rest of the evening.
Needless to say, I slept in the guess room where I will also be sleeping in tonight. This morning she wakes me up and tells me that she is tired of my jealousy with her dad. She then tells me that I never made time for her and that now that her dad is in the picture, suddenly I want to spend time with her. That comment really upset me because it is as if she suddenly forgot all the dates, intimacy and time together we spent for the last half of the year. She then told me that I don't know how to provide her emotional needs and that whenever she talks to me I never give her advice. These last few months I thought I was doing well by not giving her advice but listening and trying to validate her feelings. Now it seems like I am being punished. She told me that she needs people in her life how will connect with her and help her through her problems instead of just listening. I told her that we need to communicate our needs instead of trying to get them met outside of the marriage. I told her that I don't have a problem with her talking to her family but not at the expense of neglecting the marriage. She told me I was selfish and only focusing on my needs. This got me upset and I her that she has a hierarchy of people in her life (I briefly listed them to her and even listed OM as part of the list) and told her that I was at the bottom of that hierarchy. I told her that her dad has not earned her affection and that I've been the one in her life sacrificing and being their for her. She got ticked off and walked out of the room. I haven't talked to her sense.
I probably was out of line on a few of my comments this morning but that is how I feel. I honestly feel like walking away from this marriage. It seems like ever sense I saw that phone call from OM, I find myself changing, becoming more frustrating and more upset. I think a lot of that is that my fantasy of a happy marriage is collapsing and I can not long ignore the consequences of reality, even if I choose to deny reality for the longest time.
I spent most of my morning crying in bed and just feeling awful. I want to be the knight in shining armor that my wife leans on and I am far from that. Maybe I'm being selfish here but is it wrong to want a normal marriage. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am getting more angry inside and I am trying so hard to keep it within. I know that at this point I just need to give her space but I've been on this roller coaster ride for over two years now.
