Working on improving Ghost

[gonegrl]

Ghost, I can not say anything that has not already been said. I do not believe you are an abuser. I believe that joining that group was a huge mistake, you don't belong there and the fact that you even enrolled is going to make you look guilty.

If your W is going down this road in her head you need to distance yourself as much as possible from her. Give her space, lots and lots of space.

You are letting this BS about you get into your brain, so you need to focus on yourself more. GAL, focus on your own needs, PMA.

Think about it Ghost, the things you need to do are the things you should have been doing all along- basic DB skills. Go back to the beginning. Remember to believe nothing that she says, and that includes what she underlines in a book.

You are not an abuser, Ghost. Men who are not abusers should not go to abusers groups. Ask the leader in your group quietly, on the side, if it is possible that you are being "framed" and that the accusations of abuse are meant to abuse and control you. Tell them honestly that you do not belong there. That you can see areas in your interpersonal skills that need help, that could be construed as abuse by someone who was really digging (and we could ALL-every single one of us- find examples of spousal "abuse" in our marriages if we look hard enough and care to label it as such). Men who are abusive do not have their wives asking them to take the kids for a whole weekend either. If you can't talk to the leader of the group, then talk to an IC. You need to go on record with a professional about this because you might be in for a custody fight in the near future. Think about it Ghost. You know who you are.

She is confused and trying to make sense of her own actions and feelings. She probably saw some of you in some of the "abuse examples" because you are a human being and none of us are perfect. And I can guarantee you that it is so much easier to play victim than to look at oneself honestly in the mirror and take responsibility for our own actions, and waywards/MLC/walkaways whatever you want to call them are absolutely not looking to accept any responsibility for their actions - that is kind of the whole point.

Do not let her confusion confuse you. Words and labels matter. If you call yourself an abuser, you will hold yourself back. Just as much as your W calling herself an abuse victim is holding her back. You are a good loving man on a journey, improving your self and your interpersonal skills in every way. You are a work in progress, you are evolving, you are kind and compassionate and overcoming your obsessive nature. Your actions define who you are, not some words a confused woman underlined in a book.

I suggested this awhile ago , Ghost, go and buy yourself your own book. Make it a funny one, or an inspirational one. Read your own book and underline what is helpful to you. When tempted to snoop, read your own book. Be in charge of what you put into your head, don't let her crap fill your brain.

[ATPeace]

Pho. I love you 😜

In a friendly sort of way 😁......you summed me up perfectly with your comments

Thank ŷou so much
Ghost x

[gonegrl]

Ghost I love you too. Now go and sum yourself up- YOU define yourself. You. Not me, not any other DB'er, and most definitely not your wife. You, who should not be called Ghost because you are not a ghost, you are 100% real, go out and define yourself.

Who are you Ghost? You don't need to know the answer right now, but I want you to figure it out. I want you to become so confident in your abilities and your strengths and your place in this world that nobody, and I mean NOBODY can make you doubt your self worth.

[JellyB]

Hi Ghost, sorry you are here, but the love you get here is restoring and healing. I believe Pho makes a great point. I have seen a change of name ( your handle) do wonders for people who are moving forward and making positive change. If the name has significant meaning to you, for sure feel empowered by it, but if it is a reflection of feeling less than. Bin it!!! Let a new name reflect the person who is moving forward, who you are and who you want to be. Be here, claim a space here! It's all yours!!!

Continue moving forward!

Much Love


JellyB XXX

[Vanilla]

Can anyone help me with finding ways to distance myself from my W I need to be able to do this

I thought perhaps write down all the things I have no control over and then let those go

I remember v saying to me along time ago that I should think about chose to accept statements just struggling but determined not to write [censored] to her

I choose to let go of what I cannot control
I am not making these choices she may feel she has no option but I inow she does
Splitting up the family is not my choice or doing
I choose to focus on me and my children and not on my W
I choose not to snoop and to let go of My fearful feelings

I absolutely love this Ghost. Spot on.

V

[Vanilla]

I put this on the abuse thread:

my other says I am abusive how do I know

This I think is something you might just have to talk to your IC or group leader about.

I too have done this course, for the target of abuse. I am learning a lot. In my opinion, you are not a systemic abuser. A systemic abuser has a personality not a behavioural issue, doesn't recognise or acknowledge abusiveness and doesn't want to change. That isn't you, I don't see a personality issue in you, just some poor emotional responses.

Other types of abuse are behavioural and can be as a result of your situation. Change you, change your situation then this alters very quickly, largely through awareness.

What you describe could be abusive behaviour and that does not make you a systemic abuser. Just badly behaved!

If it concerns you and you see elements of the bad behaviour then you can change it. Those with bad personalities can't change easily, those with behavioural challenges can grow very quickly. So there are different sorts of abusers and if you consider you have changes to make and can do so that's great. V is also an abuser she reacts, screaming banshee is abusive behaviour. So I have behaved abusively and I changed it. I see Ghost like V, with behaviours that need changing but not as personality defective. I hope that makes sense.

I would very much like you to go back to smiling at that man in the mirror! And asking him to change his ways....

V

[ATPeace]

Hello

So I have been reading the abused abuser thread and I really do not see that I have been an abuser I guess my W feels different in light of the things that she hi lighted in the book that she was reading

My main position is as I have mentioned before is as followed

My wife and I have only ever been with each other
We met when she was 15
Got married when she was 22
We have had four children together the eldest is 17 and the youngest is only 2

She told me she wanted to separate and that she would not be changing her mind ...she has reinforced this several times

She is not the kind of person that would change her mind during our marriage she was firm with children and would rarely back down once she had said no to them

For the past five months I have been trying my best to make changes to ghost so he becomes a better person I have spent much more the with our children by changing my working hours so I can see them every day before work and I get home shortly after they get home from school so I am able to take them to their activities.

I am doing considerably more arround the house with regard to family chores.

I am being caring and thoughtful and kind at all times
Tried to understand the feelings of my W I have maintained loving feelings towards her whilst trying to give her space and respect her decision.

I have tried desperately hard to keep a connection together by conversation and spending time with my seporated W in the hope fond memories could return .

I have suggested we go away on a family holiday my youngest has never been abroad but my W s scared to fly and even more so with the recent terrorist strikes I would love nothing more than to make her first holiday one with both mummy and daddy .

I would have given my left arm for a reconciliation

I have snooped destroying her trust in me

And recently I have found that she believes I am contoling and abusive

I do not want to separate but I do not have control over this

It's time to keep walking

Small steps

I am feeling strong

Thank you for your comments and support
Kind regards
Ghost

[PigPen]

How's the health and fitness going Ghost?

Did you have a delicious veggie omelette this morning? A salmon salad for lunch? A balanced dinner after you ripped (censored) up at the gym this evening?

[ATPeace]

Hi pigpen

Eating much better switched to brown bread over the White
Having chicken sandwiches and have started to add a little salad to the sandwich not a great salad lover

I think what I need to is keep a food journal

I have cut right back in the fizzy drinks and have been drinking more water

Not sure if I am going the making the two stone marker by Christmas this was probably an unrealistic goal but will work in the one stone

Been struggling to get to the gym with work I feel this is a poor excuse as I am still giving way too much attention to my W

Living in the same house i see her every day and this makes detach almost impossible

I am have choices I am going to stop doing the things that hurt me.

I still want to try to reason with her I have said I want to have a chat with you I wanted to chat last night tried to speak to her as to why she feels the way she does about me being abusive but she would not I have suggested if we can chat on Thursday or Friday when the kids are out the house .

THERE IS NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT SHE HAS MADE UP HER MIND I AM GOING TO END UP SAYING ALL THE SAME THINGS USING DIFFERENT WORDS IN A DIFFENTENT ORDER TO TRY AND RESON WITH HER .....AND SHE WILL GIVE ME ALL THE SAME ANSWERS THAT I HAVE BEEN GETTING FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS....she said to me that reading the book opened her eyes and she has been living a lie

If she really feels this way I am not going to be able to convince her that she is wrong and I should not have to try and convince her ....she has to want to without me trying to change her mind

I said to her I think we should go to mediation and she said ok if you are ready to sell the house she knows I do not what this but perhaps it has to be the next stage.

A part of the grieving process I will feel upset possibly anger scared

I don't want this bit I have no choice
Change is not always bad
I will be alright with our without my W
I can get through this I will be ok

I know I really have not made very much progress over the past five months today I choose to take the first of many small steps

Ghost

[ATPeace]

So can someone help em to get my hard arround this

My w feels that I have been controlling and abusive to her and the children during our marriage yet she feels comftable leaving the children with me over the weekends and at night time when she works. She has remained in the house with me for the past five months and we have got along. If she really felt I was abusive would she not be looking to get out as soon as she could ?

She is talking about when we divorce me having the children 50/50 custody would she want for this if I was an abuser ...li am not never have been

I know this will mean days that I will not see the children and days that she will not see them and this really makes me unhappy.