Glad that you are able to post. For the short term, maybe posting here can be part of your safety plan. Just letting us know what is happening. Mustardseed gives great advice on this one and she should know, she has a Masters degree in managing this type of situation.
What we know about partners who demonstrate the types of behaviour you are reporting with H, is that separation is the primary time for escalation. The escalating sense of losing control is a trigger. Right now you need to be particularly strategic in how you keep yourself safe and minimise the moments which lead to H being triggered. Is it unfair that the person being victimised and harassed has to be so considered , absolutely. But this is about your mental and physical safety, not about fairness.
I don't know what social service support you have in your area with regards to Stopping Violence Programmes, but some outreach support from an organisation like this I believe is really important.
I am not sure about the US, but here in NZ, there are resources available like access to cheaper lawyers, and safety planning for when things escalate. Having a social service organisation on board, can also assist in ensuring evidence is not lost.
Right now I would also consider asking someone to come and visit for a a few days. Partners tend to manage their behaviour better in front of other people. Maybe suddenly your mum can visit for a week or daughter or that long lost friend, you talked about cousins. Make sure they know the lay of land This person needs to know that their presense is about descalating the potential for conflict they are not there to defend you honour with H.
I beleive your comments about not becoming a shrew, and looking after yourself are correct. We do what we know in the short term, in the longer term you will find ways to manage H, without losing self respect. Right now however, engagement with him is not necessarily about keeping yourself self-respect but about safety. Avoid conflict where you can. Locks on doors, a busy life out of the house, visitors to the house when he is present.
Please read V's account of her time in implementing a safety plan while she mobilised her resources to move WH on. She gave some great advice to Mustardseed too. V and Mustardseed and JulieH have all come through the other side. Seek their advice.
I am sending you good and protective thoughts and love Anc.
