I agree with most of what the other posters said so far also. As for dropping the kids off after church, I see nothing wrong with that. Again, pick your battles with things. Having her drive 90 mins so you don't have to drive 5, even if it is her responsibility, starts a cycle of reactions that neither of you will like. As for the separation agreement, it [censored] but you do agree to if. Your choice is go deal with it or push the divorce further. You can't force a reconciliation so get that out of your mind.
I understand wanting her to see the consequences of her actions and feeling she can actually lose you but by having a "talk" with her about working on things your showing her and yourself that she isn't loosing you and can continue doing whatever she wants(we have no idea her motives so best not to speculate what that may be).
Pulling back and being less available is good, just don't go so far you start being an ass about small stuff.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I know that you all are right. No good will come from the talk except finality. Eventually, I do need that whichever way she goes with it. I will try and pull back more and be more unavailable. That seemed to be helping a bit, and I thought that it was, until I went into the house. I guess I need to go back to meeting the kids at the door. That would have prevented this. I also noticed that I hung around and talked to her more this time, until I saw the pics. So, I need to just stay out of there. Funny thing is, if she comes to my rental, she walks in like it's no big deal. Checking on me? Making sure it is nice for the boys? Who knows.
As far as the S agreement goes, I still am on the deed, and when/if this is finalized W has to buy out my half. So, other than interest the money I pay I will get back. It just makes things tight on me and makes me upset when I write a check for a house that I am not wanted in.
Vapo, I really don't want to date other women. I would prefer my W back. But, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. Maybe (speculation) W is feeling lonely too and that is why she is talking to me more. Again, who knows.
Thank you all for checking in, and offering some wisdom. It is easy to be blinded when you are emotionally involved.
Keep those 2x4s handy, I am sure I will give you the chance to use them again!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I agree with most of what the other posters said so far also. As for dropping the kids off after church, I see nothing wrong with that. Again, pick your battles with things. Having her drive 90 mins so you don't have to drive 5, even if it is her responsibility, starts a cycle of reactions that neither of you will like. As for the separation agreement, it [censored] but you do agree to if. Your choice is go deal with it or push the divorce further. You can't force a reconciliation so get that out of your mind.
I understand wanting her to see the consequences of her actions and feeling she can actually lose you but by having a "talk" with her about working on things your showing her and yourself that she isn't loosing you and can continue doing whatever she wants(we have no idea her motives so best not to speculate what that may be).
Pulling back and being less available is good, just don't go so far you start being an ass about small stuff.
I'm not suggesting being an ass. My read on this is that day always seems to be ready when W asks for something. Sometimes it's ok to say ' no'. Make other plans so that you won't be ready when W asks you something. I'm not suggesting he not do the drive just to make her drive. I'm suggesting he have other things to do so that he won't be able to say yes.
I hear you buddy, I really do, I'm about your age, my W is about your W's age, I have 2 kids about the age your kids are (6, 4). My BD was June 2014 and it was not until the end of November 2014 until things started to get better. I do not mean my W, just myself feeling better. And it steadily is getting better and better. I feel great. I still am lonely at times, but this times last a short time and they are farther and farther inbetween.
The goal is to better yourself, and better yourself for you, not for your W. You have to be reborn, to be a better you. Your W might come around, but then again she might not. As I said I am in the same boat. I do get along ok with my W, but I do not want to be her friend, and I have made that clear to her. When we separated, she signed up for Facebook and immediately sent me a friendship request. Denied.
This DB stuff goes against conventional logic. But this is the only way.
Almost a year and a half post BD I do not even want to see my W, I do not want to talk with her on the phone, I do not wan to text her, nothing. And I am relieved when I do not hear from her.
I understand you want finality, but will that give you peace? You have to heal, this ordeal scarred you, the wounds run deep, but once you heal, the scars will be your pride, the sign of a warrior.
I know you do not want to be alone, I know you want to feel love of a good woman, but do you think it fair if someone offered her love to you, but you were just using her because you were lonely? I do not. As you said, you are not in a position to love just yet.
Think of your wife like a neighbor and act like she is one. You are friendly, but distant, but not being a dick about it. And no, it does not mean you have to take her crap. I mean, you would not take crap from your neighbor, would you? If she starts spewing, just turn around and walk away.
Have a very understanding boss, that is working with me on my schedule
Meeting with my priest/counselor tonight for the first time in 3 weeks
Looking forward to gal activities over the next month
_______________________
I feel a bit more even keel today. Thanks for all your support. I will pull back more. I will not initiate any talk. Nothing has changed. Those pics could have been up for a month or 2, I hadn't been in the house for a while.
I need to figure out how to let go. I will work on that in ic tonight. Get some ideas. Anybody have any that work for them?
Thank you all for your support!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Physical exercise, I find hiking does wonders. Something to get the heart rate up and if you manage to get up a hill, and there is sunshine, whereas there is fog in the valley, sun is also an important part. Sun stimulates vitamin D production.
Eating right, cutting out fizz drinks and positive mental attitude. It is still early days for you, cycling is normal. Soon you will be on the upswing and cycles will not be so severe and they will be spaced more apart.
Also getting enough sleep is important and quality of the sleep is paramount. Go to bed relaxed and early (pref. before 11 PM).
And of course GAL. Do stuff for you. Remember that scuba course you wanted to take? Or that trip you've always dreamed about? Go see a movie even if by yourself. Learn to enjoy being by yourself and you will come to realize you will be just fine.
Priest had to cancel on me today, rescheduled to Friday. No biggie. W just texted me about Thanksgiving again. So we worked it out where they will see both sides of the family for a bit. Like it should be if we weren't seperated even. Something we have never seemed to be able to do. So, there is a bright spot in this.
I have had several people lately tell me to give up and move on. I'm better off without her. A few others saying that they don't understand why she is doing this. Others shocked that we aren't back together yet. My kids question me constantly. And S8 and s6 have both said that W has made comments about this seperation ending, or she is thinking about it anyway.
Some things have hit me harder, or more clearly lately. She has to make the first move. If that ever happens, is totally up to her. I feel less hopeful that it will happen. Until this week, I knew in my heart that we would reunite. I still hope to find the girl I married, but the reality is that it may never happen.
Dropping the rope... I feel a step closer to this after the family pics were removed. It is yet another hurt that I have had to face through this. And now the holidays. Yuck. Makes me a little less anxious to see her. A little more disappointed in her. And I am tired of being hurt and disappointed. The motivation to detach is definately there. Sometimes she acts like the woman I know, but she has made life completely hard for us all. I am going to pull back and that should help too. I will never understand all of this.
How can I show her that I am running out of patience. I told her months ago that there will be a time when I won't take her back, it will be take a lot of convincing . It's not here yet, but it's coming. How do I get her to come to me?
How do you detach without becoming bitter? I fear that too. I am not a selfish person, so I find it hard to focus on myself through this. I have strengthened my character, and have fewer faults. Far from perfect but, I feel for the first time in my life, that I am someone only a fool would leave. I have never had high self esteem, but I think it is higher than ever now.
My life is pretty good, except for the seperation. Kids are good, healthy, and happy other than having a split life. I have family and friends that I can talk to and hang out with. I stay busier, but not much is for just me. A lot of it is commitments and juggling schedules to be with my kids. I have some GAL events coming up. That will help.
Lots of love for my DB family. Thanks for everything you do for me, and everyone here. I appreciate you all, and hope you are all doing well. Thanks!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
First of all buddy, you really are doing great, way better then it was to be expected, with the time frame. It is still early days for you, so don't be too hard on yourself.
Originally Posted By: dday
How can I show her that I am running out of patience. I told her months ago that there will be a time when I won't take her back, it will be take a lot of convincing . It's not here yet, but it's coming. How do I get her to come to me?
You can't get her to come to you. She has to want to come to you. And before that, she needs to respect you. When we were all mushy, pleading and begging after the BD, that was so unattractive to our spouses. Would you want to be with someone who would grovel in front of you? Hell no. No amount of niceing will bring your W back.
Be mysterious. Have a life. Do your own stuff. Be the man only a fool would leave. Wear good clothes. A dab of cologne (the good stuff). Make her wonder what the heck is going on. But don't be too obvious, or she'll see right through you. Make her think you had an epiphany. Do not tell her what you're doing or planning or going. Keep her in the dark. And at the same time be the bast dad in the world (I see you are doing an excellent job at that). Don't be looking over your shoulder if she's watching you (believe me, she will be watching...). You have to grow for you. Now it is time for you to clean your stuff up. Improve, better yourself. Be the bast man you can be.
Originally Posted By: dday
How do you detach without becoming bitter? I fear that too. I am not a selfish person, so I find it hard to focus on myself through this. I have strengthened my character, and have fewer faults. Far from perfect but, I feel for the first time in my life, that I am someone only a fool would leave. I have never had high self esteem, but I think it is higher than ever now.
Detaching without feeling bitter? That's a hard one... I think the answer is forgiveness. Even though she screwed you over, you have to find it in your heart to forgive her. At the end of the day, forgiveness is for you and not for her. If you do not forgive her, you will carry this biterness forever and it will ooze out of you and poison your every relationship. It also helps if you think of your wife as not herself. Think of her that she has been kidnapped by aliens and they put someone else in her body, because your W would never do/say stuff this person says/does.
You have to remember, forgiveness does not come in a big flash, it comes piece by piece. But first you must decide to forgive...
