She Wants me to leave...no way! 3

[isittoolate]

Update on Goals:
Scored out of 5. 5 = Top Score

Goals:


With W:
1. I will not follow W around house like a puppy dog... 3
2. I will not initiate conversation with W but will engage when she does...3
3. I will not txt, or phone her unless she does first ...4
4. I will change the evening dynamic to be less available for her...3
5. I will continue to perform some house duties as before BD but not extra...4

Kids:
6. I will show love to our boys each and every day through word and deed...4
7. I will bring fun and laughter into the house and lighten the mood...2
8. I will do more to organise childcare...4
9. I will ring the kids before bed every night I am working away...5
10. I will kiss the kids goodnight and hug them and say ILY when I am at home...5

GAL:
11. I will reignite my passion for running and enter a few races ...4
12. I will start salsa dancing lessons – one or two per week...5
13. I will contact old friends and meet up with them – one every two weeks....4

Personal
14. I will take care of myself with regard to sleep and reduce my sleeping pills...4
15. I will maintain my present weight and not lose anymore....5
16. I will shave each and every day ...4
17. I might get some Botox? (If W can have it so can I!)..5
19. I will do spontaneous act of kindness to friend, neighbour or stranger as opportunities arise....2
20. I will assert myself physically through open  body language, stand tall, eye contact, face W, listen, don't interrupt, validate....3
21. I will look to update my wardrobe...5
22. I will read NMMNG, and Hold on to your NUTS...4

[isittoolate]

Weird sort of a day

Spent a lot of time today with W as there were several kids activities throughout the day.

First up was S8 attending the Rememberence Day parade ( like Veterans Day) as a member of the Cubs. W and I went to a cathedral service, bumping into a few friends along the way. It was a lot better than Friday night when it felt like W was itching to get away from me.

Then after lunch and my 7 mile run we all went to the gym. S11 had to swim 30 lengths for a charity swim. S8 did the same! But unsponsored. I swam with them while W looked on from the jacuzzi counting the lengths. After a while I joined her in the jacuzzi , but it felt strained, not much conversation. In the past we have  had several nice mornings talking in the jacuzzi while watching our boys have fun together in the pool. Today was a strain, so I went back in the pool to join the boys.

Then in the early evening s8 attended a ceremony in the town hall to get a Bronze award for his time in Beavers. We met some friends there and it was all relaxed and I had a pretty good time. I guess the best with me and W out of the house together since the BD.

Then in the evening whilst W was preparing a simple meal,she mentioned we should re watch some Bond movies so we are up to speed before watching the latest one Spectre. Her friend had seem Spectre and recommended watching Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. I didn't say anything.

After dinner W put on the TV and immediately started to watch her favourite weekend programmes that she had missed. This is normal, she never asks me what I want to watch sometimes she will ask if it is ok to watch xxxx. 

After a while I excused myself for the evening although it was very early. I also said ' I don't want any misunderstanding but I won't be watching Spectre with you' ' she said ' Fine'  in an exasperated way and said she had only asked me as she thought I wanted to see it.

I left the room and she followed after a few seconds to go the bathroom and started to slam a few doors. I'd at least rattled her cage.

Ok I am mind reading here but I think She is p1ssed b/c I won't sit there in the evenings and will not go to see Spectre even though she is going the extra mile to be nice.

Let's see what happens tomorrow - I have my first proper salsa lesson.

[dday]

Well, sounds like you definately got a response. Hope it leads you in the right direction. Have fun at salsa!

[isittoolate]

W went to work leaving behind her wedding ring - seems I did get a response

[MrBond]

Maybe I'm missing something.

Those goals that you posted that pertain to your W. You know those aren't goals right? Goals are things that move you into a positive direction like, "my goal is for my wife to ask me how my day within the week." Then you create actions that will help you to achieve that goal.

Right now you're just ignoring her. She even asked to see a movie with you and you rejected her.

I get the whole being mysterious or showing that you have a life deal, but at some point you are going to have to do something with her that moves you to a positive direction.

[isittoolate]

Mr Bond.. Thanks for checking on my sitch. Yours and others insight are a great help as I have no-one else to turn to.

Instinctively it felt wrong to reject going to the movies with her even though she made it clear we would go 'as friends'

Sandi2s thread about WW as opposed to WAW, suggest that the only way to make a WW take notice is to create a sense of loss. To stop being available, not do extra chores, be the handyman, no physical contact etc etc. Tough love as it has been described. Ive been sacked as a husband, don't become her Best Friend. Its also been said that it most difficult to do this in a inhouse separation.

Within the first couple of days of the latest DB I set these goals:

Goal 1: When my W says she would like Us or Her to see a MC/IC
Goal 2: When she hugs me or touches me in a loving way – spontaneously and not out of pity
Goal 3: When she complements me on a change I have made i.e. more QT with the kids, how I look or dress.

Others posters said I should change the goals to ones about me as I couldnt control how W would react

I can see these are steps that are too big, though Goal 3 has been achieved to a certain extent. She has complimented me on new wardrobe items and also noticed me spending more QT with the boys.

I will make new goals pertaining to W and would be grateful if you could assess them for me. I will also create action points for them.

I would like to read success stories such as yours. Do you have a link to your story. Do you know anyone successful with inhouse separation?

[isittoolate]

I am trying to build my confidence and self-esteem.

I am reading about it and trying to implement change in all my interactions with people. I chat to strangers, try to engage friends more, and act a little more extrovert. I have noticed a small improvement and hopefully these changes will become more natural. I will be going to salsa tonight and you have to be a little extrovert for that.

[isittoolate]

So I rang W at work to apologise for my actions the previous night. I said I was sorry and would like to go to the movies with her, if she still wanted. She said it had upset her, but she could see why I would feel like that and understood that I had to protect my feelings.

She was most upset because I had made my announcement and then left the room ( I guess this comes across as passive/aggressive or controlling behaviour). She asked if I had anymore announcements I wanted to make. I said no. She said she could go to see Spectre with a friend who has already been but would to go again. It looks like I burnt a bridge.

She was upset and still upset this morning and thanked me for ringing.

She said 'we hadn't talked about timescales and she was pretty relaxed about it as we 'seemed to be getting on', but events like last night put a different perspective on things'.

So what to do?

I have to work on me, redouble my efforts, become a charming, charismatic, confident guy. Detach from W emotionally. Continue my GAL efforts and become the person she would be a fool to leave. Make every interaction with W a positive one whilst not smothering/pursuing. Give her space and time , and use my time to the best of my ability.

Am I any closer to R....no

[vise82]

Hey Isittoolate,

I don't think there was anything wrong with you saying you didn't want to go to the movies with your W. Especially if she wanted to go as friends. You don't want to be her friend, that is a place of hurt and sorrow.

If you didn't live with each other then I would say its different, but you see her everyday, your chance to show her the new you. Going to the movie with her would set you back and you would feel terrible as you want to be more then friends. Until you are in the mind set where you are going to the movies for you because you want to watch the movie and not to further your R with your W, you shouldn't go.

I don't think you should have apologized, If you make a mistake just move on.

My two cents but I don't know if I am the best for giving advise, I am going through this too right now.

[sandi2]

You have to find balance in some of these things you are trying to do. And, as you are reading new information, don't go too fast with it, b/c it could be misinterpreted.

The loss that a WW experiences that breaks through her fog to show her this is the results of her wayward actions.....comes by way of circumstances & consequences. The H can remove himself in a lot of ways that would be catering to her, and she could feel loss.......or not. It depends upon "how" he does it. It is not the H's job to punish her. This can seem like a very fine line for a newcomer. You may have the desire to make her pay for what she's done, but that is not the type of tough love to use. It is important that you conduct yourself in a manner that does not come across as rude, anger, mean, cold, etc. You can be firm, independent, stand tall, be decisive, etc., without being those other things.

I think in an attempt to show that she couldn't control you, or maybe that you were not going act as her BFF.......you came across as looking like a jerk to her. The trick is learning how you can communicate your decisions in a good way. You can do it without turning into melted cheese.

She will know you are making an independent decision, without you making an announcement about it.

Another thing I want you to see about that night, is you immediately announced that you would not be going to the movies with her, right after you announced you were going to bed (which was telling her you weren't going to watch tv with her)... or at least that's how it read. I think it would be best not to pick more than one thing at a time, know what I mean?

Don't get discouraged, everyone has to learn how to find balance.