Time for a new thread. This is a vulnerable phase in my process of growth, I think. The seedling is still so vulnerable and likely to get overrun or neglected. I think I started the weeding process by eliminating distractions that were stifling my growth.
Finding a job, and GAL are all ways to provide water and nourishment to help me grow. I am in a phase now where the initial shock has faded and my new life is beginning, time to keep it going.
Here is the last post from my previous thread.
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Originally Posted By: Ancaire . My husband fits more into the on or off description. Charming to outsiders or people he wants to impress - nasty to me, his safe place.
Does any of this describe your H?
This is my H to a tee. HE would be nasty and cranky about having to do something, then light and breezy and fun during the event--I'd feel relieved and think, oh he had a good time in spite of not wanting to do this thing--then he'd go right back into nasty.
For years he'd assure me it had nothing to do with me. Yet the nasty persona was reserved for me and the kids. Now he is light and breezy in front of the kids even when I am around, unless OW is nearby, then he puts on the rage face. One thing I am grateful for is that he is on a mission to be "perfect dad" so the kids aren't seeing his ugly side anymore. I wonder what will happen when that persona no longer fills his need. Hopefully, it will last--for the sake of the kids. As angry as it makes me that he couldn't be like that from the beginning.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hi mustardseed, This is my first time in your neck of the woods. Nice view and your garden shows great promise. Regular tending is key.
In regards to your husband, a man's disposition does not change like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He must have cared how people viewed him so he exhibited self control. In private he indulged in his selfishness and treated his family accordingly.
I was selfish during a period of my marriage. I reject that behavior now and will not behave like that ever again. Selfishness is small thinking and indicates weak character. I was a weak man. Weak men don't yell at their loved ones. I am so sorry you and your children had to experience that. People can change, for your children's sake I hope your husband does.
Keep tending your garden and one day you'll be surrounded by the beauty you deserve.
The difference is between behaviour and personality. Behaviours can change but personality tends to fix.
Msd try this: Psychiatric Clinics of North America, Volume 12, Number 2, Pages 389-411, June 1989. The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD*
Google: compulsion to repeat pdf.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi mustardseed, This is my first time in your neck of the woods. Nice view and your garden shows great promise. Regular tending is key.
In regards to your husband, a man's disposition does not change like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He must have cared how people viewed him so he exhibited self control. In private he indulged in his selfishness and treated his family accordingly.
I was selfish during a period of my marriage. I reject that behavior now and will not behave like that ever again. Selfishness is small thinking and indicates weak character. I was a weak man. Weak men don't yell at their loved ones. I am so sorry you and your children had to experience that. People can change, for your children's sake I hope your husband does.
Keep tending your garden and one day you'll be surrounded by the beauty you deserve.
This does sound like my husband. Although it really felt like Jeckyll and Hyde. He wasn't a yeller, just a withholder. He is very good at sending mixed messages. Telling me what I want to her, while treating me the complete opposite. However, I have seen him turn on others, and now on me. As easy as it is for me to love him, I know that he is not a safe person for me to be emotionally invested in, and I don't think saving our marriage is a smart decision.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Mutatio,
The difference is between behaviour and personality. Behaviours can change but personality tends to fix.
Msd try this: Psychiatric Clinics of North America, Volume 12, Number 2, Pages 389-411, June 1989. The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD*
Google: compulsion to repeat pdf.
V
Got it V. Interesting read. Thanks for posting.
I'm trying to snap out of my winter blues. I had a great weekend, and I have taken steps to improve my job search. Money is starting to worry me, now. My lack of income plus increase of GAL has cost me--and I am starting to carry balances on my credit cards. Not good.
I haven't been feeling great lately. Not really sick, just kind of dehydrated and lathargic. My weight has also increased-- I am nearly 20 pounds heavier than where I was in June. I didn't like how I looked at my low weight, and would like to settle somewhere in between. So I am starting to take control of my diet and fitness again. My goal is to lose 10 pounds by New Years. It will be tough with the holidays coming up, but I'll do my best.
I have been drinking water all day, but I still feel dry. My mother even took my blood sugar reading over the weekend just to be sure--it was just below the recommended range so I'm not concerned. Part of it might be the typical seasonal shifts that seem to effect me. Another part might be too much Halloween candy and alcohol during my many celebrations. I have also been having more than my 1 cup of coffee every day.
My interaction with H this morning was decent. He seems to agree with me that the current schedule we have with the kids isn't working. He seemed very easy going today. I wonder why? It is so odd to be so suspicious of someone I trusted so completely for so long.
This week I have a lot of GAL planned. It will be a busy week. I am also going to treat my days like I have a job to go to. Waking up at 6:30, getting ready for my day, and then settling in to do my work of finding a job. Hopefully developing a purposeful routine like this will help snap me out of the funk.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Snap out of winter blues accomplishments of the day: I went for an early morning run with a meetup group. It was the first time I completed a 10K although I walked a lot of it. It was an extremely hilly trail, something I rarely can accomplish even at a 5K level. Although having a buddy to run with pushed me to run more than I would have on my own.
I met with my IC today and I explored some of my loving feelings toward H, she reminded me to not trust his current state of kindness. I went out with a fellow faculty wife last night and found out that there was a lot of speculation about H and OW for a while. I think I am pretty much confirmed now that it definitely was an A, not just a friendship. That feels kind of bittersweet. I am relieved to know I wasn't creating fantasies. But I the reality of the betrayal is very painful and raw. To think that after all of the hell he put me through with his triangulation and bullying behavior, the A is still what hurts the most. Maybe if it was with a stranger--someone I didn't know and my kids didn't know, and our mutual friends didn't know, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I think as much as it is pain, it is also shame of knowing what a fool they made of me--by being so publicly inappropriate while I was left in the dark. I need to figure out how to use this pain proactively. To be angry, rather than victimized. To let go of the entire situation and move past it rather than still trying to find ways to rewrite it.
I really wish I can just separate completely from them. OW is D's teacher. She has been giving D hand me downs from her D, and I don't understand why he is allowing her to be in our kids lives outside of the professional responsibility she has to them. The judge made it clear that we are not to bring around paramours--did he miss that part? I reminded him of that last time I saw him--and I was calm and composed when I did, which was good. Who knows if he gets it. But it did make me feel better.
Will this ever get better?
Tonight I am debating going out for hibachi and karaoke with another meetup group. I really need to control my spending, but at the same time the isolation combined with my winter blues is a concern. I think I need to get out and socialize as much as I can.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I know you know this deep down but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband made himself and the other woman look like 2 dishonest, selfish fools. I am surprised this is appropriate conduct in the schools, especially considering that OW is daughters teacher.
Sometimes I feel like the hope that comes with DB book allowed me to live a bit in denial, but I love the group on here and emphasis towards how to move forward in a healthy way.
I tell myself that all we have control of is our own behavior. We cannot waste our lives away focusing on others poor choices.
GAL seems vital. I am planning on taking my first salsa lesson today (I know how cliche that sounds). Haven't ventured into meet up groups yet, but it's my plan. Little nervous though.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
WH affairs down, they have As with who is available, not always who is appropriate.
I have always believed that you have the power of truth, that is why WH tried to close you down. Sunlight does not work on deception.
OW is very vulnerable in her career if you complain, at some stage perhaps you should make yourself heard. When it is safe and the case is over.
Msd,I am so very proud of you, although that may not be my right, it is my feeling.
Do you know that living well is the best revenge?. You have a future, you have a life, you have energy, hard work and a vision. You, Msd are the watered, growing fertilised seed of the new testament parable.
That is Msd, my brave understanding Internet friend.
You need have no fear.
Just see, observe and know, look at your posts full of the understanding of the dynamics of human behaviour. Just think how this will create your dawning and inspiring future.
Msd, your actions are made of truth and great humanity, you love.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/10/1511:15 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Julie and V. Thank you for your kind words. I wish I read them earlier because I made some unwise decisions--I was vulnerable yesterday and feeling a connection due to H's recent pleasantness. I should have known better, but I found myself in a predicament and didn't know where to turn, so guess who I turned to. He came through for me, but not without a set trap, and i guess I am responsible for handing him the bait.
I believe (mind reading here) that I put H in an awkward situation that caused trouble in paradise, and to protect himself against the wrath of OW, he found a way to use it against me. When will I learn??? I hear your advice, yet I still have those days when I want to believe that H I thought I married is the one I'm dealing with. I give advice to others that I would do well to follow, yet I get drawn in by his charm and the love I still have for him that I expect to be reciprocated somewhere deep down below the ugly shell. I am still desperately trying to rewrite this story--rather than closing the book and moving on. I have such a long way to go in my recovery.
I really, really, really hope I learned my lesson this time. I think I handled the accusations well, however. He really had no leg to stand on, and his sole goal was to prove to OW that I am awful, and to get me worked up. It didn't work--at least the getting me worked up part. He has been violating the court order of having OW around the kids beyond what her professional responsibility is to them. He had to find a way to twist it to turn me into a bad mother. I am glad I realized this early on and my response was appropriate and disarming to him.
One thing I realized was that they only have a small pocket of coworkers who believe the lies they are saying about me. Others that i have run into have shown nothing but compassion and concern for me in regards to his actions (I am assuming with OW because I don't know if they know about the the rest of the BS he's done).
So while I was dealing with this aftermath, that I understand was partly my fault for reaching out to him--I know better, yet I gave in to emotion rather than reality. Anyway, while I was dealing with that, I got an angry text from the ferry friend who I cut off last week for bailing on me repeatedly. It was the worst possible timing because I was already in a vulnerable state of questioning my ways of handling things. It was an awful night.
I was getting a guilt trip laid on me from two different directions. Now, in hindsight, I see that neither of these men are emotionally healthy and I am safer without them. Especially now while I am trying to rebuild my own emotional health. This morning the first thing I did when I woke up was read my final responses to each of these men. I think I ended both conversations with a level headed response that clearly stated my boundaries. However, it took a while for me to get there.
I think it is time to start doing my Alanon work again. I haven't gone to a meeting in a couple of months, but I need to put the focus back on my recovery. I am a hot mess, and I need to clean myself up and move on.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hello, Msd. Every once in a while, H is nice. It confuses me horribly, and always leaves me wide open for the next attack. I'm learning. I do not trust him anymore, and that is beginning to be apparent; I've begun insisting any conversations regarding money are recorded in some fashion, and that we put in writing any agreements we reach. This annoys him greatly...but he's not trustworthy.
I'm beginning to understand he never was quite the man I thought him to be. My love really blinded me to some real character flaws. I see H now as quite morally corrupt. His cheating? OMG, that iwas really painful! I believe the pain has more to do with us, than them. Rejected and replaced...makes you wonder if you ever mattered, right? We have to move past that...nothing wrong with us. You mentioned Alanon...was your experience with another's drinking only with H? I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It also means I was constantly rejected in favor of something else, leaving me extreme sensitive to rejection. No one wants to be less than 1st choice.
What you need to realize, deep down, is that his cheating has NOTHING to do with you. It's all about HIS wants, HIS needs, and HIS ego. Any willing female could have been AP. H went with the easiest option, which doesn't say much about her.
You're an obviously wonderful person. Don't dwell on the cheating part. It's such a small portion of the much larger problem that begins with and ends with your H. He's broken and weak, with a mean streak to boot. This type of person cannot face their own flaws/issues - so they NEED to make it all your fault to pander to their fragile ego.
Hello, Msd. Every once in a while, H is nice. It confuses me horribly, and always leaves me wide open for the next attack. I'm learning. I do not trust him anymore, and that is beginning to be apparent; I've begun insisting any conversations regarding money are recorded in some fashion, and that we put in writing any agreements we reach. This annoys him greatly...but he's not trustworthy.
I completely relate to the confusion. And my fantasy of how I want it to be, and try to make it be, keeps digging me deeper. I know I can be passive/aggressive and annoying. I know that I probably was doing that yesterday. I think that is part of why I am so self- deprecating today, and I am afraid of how my actions might play out in court, although I really don't think there is enough there for it to really be an issue. Divorce is pretty cut and dry. I am mad at myself for what happened, but I am trying to put it in perspective. I'm human. I'm not quite sure if he is. I am struggling to rise above, but can I be penalized for that? Especially given his lack of discretion with his actions. We are both being equally irresponsible in our handling of things, but I wonder how it all will play out in court.
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I'm beginning to understand he never was quite the man I thought him to be. My love really blinded me to some real character flaws. I see H now as quite morally corrupt. His cheating? OMG, that iwas really painful! I believe the pain has more to do with us, than them. Rejected and replaced...makes you wonder if you ever mattered, right? We have to move past that...nothing wrong with us. You mentioned Alanon...was your experience with another's drinking only with H? I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It also means I was constantly rejected in favor of something else, leaving me extreme sensitive to rejection. No one wants to be less than 1st choice.
H is really the only addict I ever was directly effected by and I wonder about his addiction. He definitely had a destructive lotto ticket habit, and his drinking was constant but didn't really change him too much, but he grew up in an alcoholic home and I see carry over from that. However I think a lot of my codependance is learned behavior from my mother and her sisters. The grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father who turned a corner, but probably too late. A lot of my behaviors that I hate about me mirror back to how they behave. Especially this inability to let things go and keep my mouth shut. I also overcompensate in opposite directions from how my mother's family handles things. For example, I hate secrets and as a result I think I give up way too much. I need to learn to be more discreet. I give too much of myself too fast. And get easily attached to others as a result--causing me to accept bad behavior from others and making excuses or giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I am realizing this through my experience with my new male friends. I let things move too quickly, and when I finally realize it isn't right I start accepting excuses and believing promises just to make it what I want it to be. I feel like learning this through these new friendships is useful, except that now I feel guilty about the pain I caused. I will be more careful next time.
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What you need to realize, deep down, is that his cheating has NOTHING to do with you. It's all about HIS wants, HIS needs, and HIS ego. Any willing female could have been AP. H went with the easiest option, which doesn't say much about her.
I want to believe this. I think I understand it cognitively but feeling it is difficult. I understand that she was there while he was moving away from me. She helped him make the break he was afraid to make. Our marriage wasn't good, and I see it now looking back, but I still can't accept that it wasn't love. I wish we could just do this break in a way where no one else is in the middle of it all. Before I knew about her it was so easy to be confident and civil and proactive--with the idea being that he wants a change so he should move on--he seemed to believe that, too. Now I feel like I was just pushed overboard all because he had something to prove to her.
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You're an obviously wonderful person. Don't dwell on the cheating part. It's such a small portion of the much larger problem that begins with and ends with your H. He's broken and weak, with a mean streak to boot. This type of person cannot face their own flaws/issues - so they NEED to make it all your fault to pander to their fragile ego.
I hope you're doing OK there today.
This is wise advice. I am hanging in there today. I feel very down, in a hopeless sense. I know it is a wave that will pass and I just have to ride it out, but right at this moment it's hard to know where I will wash up when it's all over and that scares me, so I focus on right now as best I can--but right now really [censored]. I feel so much more capable when I have the kids, it's these lonely days when they are with him that I feel lost, like I'm floating away.
I just want to be on the other side already. Not having to watch my back and definitely not caring about anything he is up to.
Last edited by mustardseed; 11/11/1507:09 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
