less confused newbie (7)

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Fixed a big family brreakfast, and pigged out with the boys.

Boys are all 3 asking when I am coming back home, which [censored] and hurts, but I feel so loved and wanted.

Woke up this morning with all 3 of them laying on me or touching me in some way.

________________________

I am starting to see some positives from this experience. Still don't want to be here, but trying to make the best of it. I have many more people in my life that care for me than I ever knew. I can live a much simpler life, and it's nice. Less hectic. I know now, without a doubt, that I won't let my priorities get skewed again. Time with family us more important than trying to provide extra things by working ot. I know I can be happy alone. And I know that I won't be alone forever. Maybe W. May be some one new. I want to keep my family together, but I want W and I to be happy. It's up to her to figure out what she wants... I have enough on my plate getting myself in order. Becoming someone only a fool would leave.

[dday]

W asked me to bring the boys home from church, since our church is 45 minutes away. I did it, and when I got to our house the boys just ran inside. I followed them in carrying their clothes. W was friendly, nice and thankful. I went into the living room to give the boys a hug and noticed she had changed the family pics to one's without me in them. That stung. Our wedding pics are still up, but nothing showing that we are still a family.

I am very torn, to say the least. I want to stay hopeful, but seeing that hurt quite a bit. Not sure how long ago she did that either, maybe things have gotten better since then? Maybe it's all wishful thinking?

She just called about s6 bday. Wants me to be there and do just a friend party. Needs help hauling kids and chaperoning. Asked if I was ok with the plan. Said that she would call back later in the week to finalize everything. Said that I was quiet. I guess I was, since I am bummed. Not as bad as I was a month ago. So I have made progress there. This just stinks.

[Pax_luv]

I'm sorry you are going through this dday. I felt compelled to reach out because I have been s from my h since June as well and he just removed all our pics from the house. It may be too painful for them to constantly have reminders of our lives together or they may be working even harder to move on. Either way, I know that sinking feeling you must have. All you can do is take care of yourself. Hugs.

[isittoolate]

DDay - Isn't she cake-eating??

Having you as Dad taxi?? and

Needs help hauling kids and chaperoning

Maybe you need to be less available - going dim?

[dday]

Thanks feyth. All 3 boys asked me if I would be back home in the next month. And that was just the car ride to church. S6 walked into our house, yes I'm still on the title and mortgage, and said "Mom you should go on a date with daddy". She just ignored him, as she always does when they try to open up to her now. S6 even told me that he tells me everything, and sometimes tells mom stuff.

Is, it very well could be cake eating. She is asking for favors the last 3 weeks with the kids.

She had told me more about work. Talked about the house upkeep. Etc. It is more than it has been, but I still don't know what's going on.

[gonegrl]

Dday, I am just reading your thread now, so I missed a lot of history. I think helping out at the birthday party is a good thing for your son, yes it might help W out in the meantime, but the bottom line is that it is your son's party, and with your help it will go more smoothly, you will be there for him and that counts for a lot for a child. I am sorry for your situation, but it sounds like you are handling things from a place of strength.

[dday]

Thanks for checking in pho! I don't know what is right to do, for W and M, but I know that s6 wants me to be there. He is the most vocal and persistent of my boys on W and I reuniting. And if he gets a chance, he gets us as close together as he can. My little matchmaker, lol. This sitch has impacted all 3 boys, but I think wife ignores it as much as possible. Is she using me right now? I will probably never know. I hope not, but without asking her what she sees as our future, I don't how else to know

[isittoolate]

Sry DDay I didn't realise it was S6 birthday. But it does sound like she is using you as a taxi service.

[dday]

Ok, I have a real urge to do something. I am tired of this sitch. I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of letting her have her way all the time. I am tired of her asking me to do things for the boys, knowing full well that I won't deny them anything if I can help it.

I have a feeling of being used. For money. For someone to talk to. For someone to help her out when she gets into a scheduling conflict. I am still paying half the mortgage.

Here I am, thinking we are working towards something better. Then I see today that our family pics are gone. S6 tried to open up to W and she ignores him. S6 has told me that he opens up to me, and not W. She asked about his bday party, just to see if I would help her out with driving and money. Who is this person that looks like my W? Ignoring her own kids now?

I was just informed by my landlord (small town) that my W coworkers are talking about how self absorbed she has become, and how she is planning on her parents to help her financially.

Then she sends a text asking if I have thought about Thanksgiving. I won't see s6 on his bday, due to it being her day. Thanksgiving is mine, and I am sure she wants it.

I have had enough, I guess that's what I am getting at. I want to ask when this will be final. I don't want to keep doing this. (I know detach, I have some...not enough) I have spent the last 10 months trying to fix us. I have made improvements, in every aspect that I can think of. I think we are improving, and it turns out to be crumbs.

Tired of wasting my time and energy. I want a relationship with someone who values me. I don't want my kids to go through the holidays like this. I know that there is nothing I can do, it's all on her. But, I am ready to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She needs to quit leading the kids and myself on, if she still wants D. it has been past the 60 day waiting period, and still no court date. I will not be her supplemental income to get her through the winter heat bills.

If we aren't working on us, I want set free. I want the band aid ripped off, so I can really heal. I am out of patience. If this is truly what she wants, let's get it over with. I am ready to start rebuilding my life. One way or the other. I have told myself that I won't date until it's final.

I don't think W is going to realize and feel the loss until D is final. I will still feel in limbo until then also. Today, I want to drop the rope. I am tired of this. Ready to close this chapter and see what the next will bring

[mutatio]

Hi dday, I wish I could tell you what your wife is thinking. I wish I could tell you what my wife is thinking. I would wait till after the new year before making some hard choices. This will give you time to explore your own feeling and be certain about the choice. Waiting will allow the kids to have one more family holiday season.

dday there are doors that once you step through there's no turning back.