Thought I might list my 180s, and write a few words about them. Hoping it might do me good.
My first one is living my life entirely for myself.
I would like to change the emphasis in my life, from supporting my H (and also supporting him in his career, which has been a huge burden) to just living for myself.
I realise I've done so much for him in the time we've been married, from small everyday things to massive things. Now, because he has left, I'm not doing them any more. I'm not reminding him to sign contracts or helping him send invoices, I'm not helping him with his work or work situations. There were lots and lots of things he couldn't be bothered doing, or found difficult. I've just stopped everything for him, dead.
It's still a bit strange at the moment. But it's easy to run my own life. I'm very organised, and I like keeping on top of things. That makes me feel good.
Focus, I really must admit I am impressed at how quickly you've come in such a short time. It sounds like you are doing the right things. I want to caution you that you still have a long haul in front of you and probably some surprises to deal with. Please make sure that you are making self-care a priority. Sleep, eat well, get some exercise and fresh air- even if its just a short walk. Basic things. It is easy to get burned out and emotionally and physically exhausted even when doing all the right things. Your body needs the extra care right now, you are going through a shock and its going to be a while.
I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, you will find the most amazing support here. Wishing you peace tonight.
I guess I've been aware of it all for a good few years now.
I've just not had the perspective I have now. That perspective has helped me feel less responsible for the things my H has done during these few years.
That responsibility was really wearing me down, and really eating away at my self esteem.
I'm trying not to think of things that might happen in the future.
Sorry, I had been editing that post, but missed the deadline for it. So here is my edited version:
Thank you.
I guess I've been aware of it all for a good few years now.
I've just not had the perspective I have now. That perspective has helped me feel less responsible for the things my H has done during these few years.
That responsibility was really wearing me down, and really eating away at my self esteem. I do feel better in myself for trying to shed that responsibility.
I'm trying not to think too much of things that might happen in the future. I don't know what those could be (dreading that he might say he wants to marry OW, or that they are going to have a child together...that makes me sick to the pit of my stomach).
In spite of my talk, I'm still really struggling to deal with my feelings in general at the moment. My counsellor says she sees flashes of feelings as I'm talking to her. I'm finding out a lot about myself in all of this. Some of it isn't exactly good, but that's OK...right?
It's your time now. Amazing. Where you are at such a short time. You are doing great.
There will be ups and downs. You can't do anything for you H other than let him loose and try not to think about OW and what they are doing
I've been no contact and my D's at home with me full time. I'm glad W isn't around so less drama, no walking on eggshells.
Our MLC/WAS need to do their journey. Hopefully they wake up .... It will be us that decide if we want them back.
Life is too good to be brought down. Keep it up. You are at a good pace... And here you will find the support to help you .
Take care
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
You got a text too? So did I. The 'best if we separate' one. Lovely. After 15 years of marriage.
I didn't sleep well last night. Only 4 hours again, so I'm quite tired this morning. At least I only have myself to worry about, and I don't have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling to deal with on top of the tiredness.
Thank you guys, for making me aware of how I need to pace myself. I'm very much a go at life full pelt kind of person so it's good to be reminded of the importance of taking a little time as well.
I really appreciate all of your kind and thoughtful comments.
Thought I might list my 180s, and write a few words about them. Hoping it might do me good.
My first one is living my life entirely for myself.
I would like to change the emphasis in my life, from supporting my H (and also supporting him in his career, which has been a huge burden) to just living for myself.
I realise I've done so much for him in the time we've been married, from small everyday things to massive things. Now, because he has left, I'm not doing them any more. I'm not reminding him to sign contracts or helping him send invoices, I'm not helping him with his work or work situations. There were lots and lots of things he couldn't be bothered doing, or found difficult. I've just stopped everything for him, dead.
It's still a bit strange at the moment. But it's easy to run my own life. I'm very organised, and I like keeping on top of things. That makes me feel good.
Ploughing on.
Here's another one of my 180s I'm doing for myself.
No contact. In the past, it's always been me to call and text. Not any more.
The last time I texted was on the 23 October to apologise for missing his three calls on our anniversary.
I haven't even replied to the text he sent a couple of days later saying he couldn't see clearly how to continue, he hadn't managed to 'fall in love' with me again these past two years, and thought it would be best if we separated.
Am I going to answer his calls in future? It depends on what I'm doing and how I'm feeling at that particular point. If I'm busy, then no. If I'm not feeling up to talking to him, then no.
I think my preferred method of communication for the next while might be text. More time to think and reflect on what to say and how to react. I don't want to be pushed into reacting in the moment. Still time to think about that one though.
The thing that was weighing most heavily on me (definitely since my H left 4 weeks ago, but also when he had been away working in the previous 3 years, for months and months at a time) was time itself.
Today, I feel it totally differently. It doesn't matter if time passes slowly or quickly really, it's what you *do* with that time that matters. It's what *you choose* to do with that time that matters. It's where *you choose* to put your focus that matters
I've also understood that over the past handful of years H and I have become the worst incarnations of ourselves. He's very much to the spontaneous side of things anyway, doesn't enjoy much thinking about consequences and responsibilities. So now he's become totally impulsive and isn't thinking about any of the consequences of what he's doing.
I'm a bit more to the reflective side of things, and I've become stiflingly analytical. I also like to run at any problems full on and try and sort them out, however deep you have to go and however much you have to plumb the depths and look at ugly stuff in life, in other people and also in yourself (most importantly of all). I'm not scared of that...not at all.
My counsellor told me last week that most people are happier living more on the surface of things and don't really want to go to their darker places. She wasn't saying that as a value judgement, but merely as an observation to try and help me understand that not everyone is like me.
I can't control what he does (what he *chooses* to do, and the messes he gets himself into). But I can be totally responsible for myself, no?
So, my way back from this hell, this corner I've totally painted myself into, is to let go of the need to sort stuff out. I let go of the need to look after his stuff, to work things out for him, to find and present the answers to him.
I learn to appreciate everything I have in my life (everything I am choosing to have in my life) as it unfolds, day to day, moment to moment. Time is a gift indeed. And that appreciation hopefully leads to the possibility of just being your own, true self and to calm and contentment.
You are so right, you cannot control him, just yourself. You may forget this line every once in a while, especially when he does something so crazy. But keep it front and center and mentally you won't be dragged down to his level.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
