The past few days, after my real low point, have been much better.
I've noticed a few things.
The main one is that if I make a real effort to connect with people and enjoy their presence/company when I'm out and when I'm at work I don't feel so horribly alone. Thankfully I live in a really friendly city where if you started chatting to the person next to you in a shop or something, they wouldn't think it was weird. I come home and I feel OK about things in proportion to how much I've tried to engage with the outside world. I come home and I know I'm not going to have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling I've had for the past couple of years.
I have a lot of work to do between now and the start of the new year, which I'm very happy about. I really love my work, and it's very sociable too.
I also have a couple of quite major GAL things planned just for myself over the next few weeks (only just started on those).
I am also just starting to plan a very cheap break somewhere I've never been before for after the new year. It's going to coincide with a quieter period at work, and also a time that I think my H has a lot of very high pressure things going on in his life (which are all happening in the space of a week). I'm not sure I want to be around for the fall out of those. After that, he's away working abroad from the start of February to the start of May and I don't think he will contact me during that time.
I still haven't heard anything at all from him. Last time I heard his voice was on my voicemails on the 21 October (our anniversary) and the last time I had any communication at all from him was his text on the 25 October. But I'm enjoying (if that's the right word) a break from the total intensity of everything.
I had a good chat with someone too. She is the widow of a mentor of his. This mentor was a huge inspiration in my H's life, and he committed suicide last summer. My H was absolutely devastated, but I don't think my H has even begun to deal with how he feels about this.
Anyway, I'm starting to think my H is going through a MLC. Last year he said to his mom that he was worried about turning 40 on his next birthday and 'where is all the time going?'.
But the situation is the situation, and I can only deal with myself in this present moment. So that is what I'm trying to do, and do it as best and wholeheartedly as I can.
