This info is good to know...but also depressing. H will likely still be able to trigger me a year from now? Ugh. Do you still love your H, MS? Is that why? Or is it just learned behavior from years of interacting?
You posted this on Msd (Mustarrdseed) thread and I wanted to comment.
Anc, reframe this, learning will set you free, whatever happens things can never be the same. The descent into the well is over, completely over and done with. Your journey is beginning to full health. It is very sad to be here in this place although you are a young woman and there is much in front of you. There is very great joy to come.
Will you be triggered in a year, two years, three years? The answer is possibly "yes" and that is something to acknowledge and to face your pain. Will it matter? The likelihood is yes it will, it is a sign there is more healing to be done. It is your guide. Msd has answered you on her thread about the love issues. Her views are so good.
Anc, your road to freedom is in front of you, it isn't an easy road although at the end you will find yourself and to be you. You can live in full light of day. It is the light of day that brings you to freedom.
There is much to do, once this awful case is behind you then healing can begin, then the cycles and their speed won't matter.
I can tell you that after six months of. NC I still struggle, I still prefer the place I am in now to the daily onslaught of abuse. And my abuse was 4 years of onslaught, not many as you have had.
Truly it is going to ease and you will heal, as you learn and grow this will happen
Stay calm
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/05/1511:37 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sadly, there was drama. H's lawyer got papers from my L informing them we would be pursuing spousal support. H came into my room as I was getting out of the shower and proceeded to berate me on how my refusal to work with him was going to cost thousands of dollars.
I told him to talk to his lawyer. He continued to badger me. I told him to talk to his lawyer again. He called me stupid. I told him I was through discussing it, and to get out of my room. He went ape, and told me he was going to have me thrown out of the house. I said go ahead. He then told me he was going to have my arse thrown back in jail. I told him my L has a restraining order ready to go. Leave me alone, or I'm calling her.(bluff)
He left. Happy Anniversary.
I had a great time with my daughter, and an unexpected guest...My niece! We went shopping and had dinner together. When we got home, H was here. He studiously ignored me while being quite thrilled to see the girls.
All in all a good day. I stood my ground in the face of his fury and still had an excellent afternoon with two of my favorite people. I was laughing and smiling tonight, while looking really good. I could tell he was not happy. Shed a tear just once today for about a second. Today went way better than I expected.
I am happy for you. I think you managed your husband perfectly. Be aware that when he realizes that the bullying won't work he may pour on the charm and try to manipulate you that way. Be strong
Lord, Mutatio, if that man pours on the charm, I'm toast! I'm glad you brought it up as a possibility, or I really might be caught unaware. It's hard to love him so much while being aware that unless he makes huge changes, he's toxic to me. It does help some that I've finally realized he's got a drinking problem. It helps me take a step back. My dad was an alcoholic, and growing up with him was chaotic and confusing...just like my current situation.
I vow to be nothing more than pleasant should H suddenly start being charming. I will leave his company ASAP, and start posting here instead of being sucked in by him being nice for a change.
Sounds good Ancaire. When my W started being nice and opening up a bit I was immediately sucked right back in. It will take a ton of strength and willpower to resist. In a way I hope that you do get to see the nice and sweeter side of your H.
Wishing you the best, sis
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I vow to be nothing more than pleasant should H suddenly start being charming. I will leave his company ASAP, and start posting here instead of being sucked in by him being nice for a change.
Ancaire, I can totally understand how tough it is to get sucked into charm for someone whom you've been married to for 20 years. I think your approach of pleasantry around H and (the more difficult) of not letting his reactions to your positive approach reach your core and drive reactions and emotions out of you is a step in the right direction.
One book that I've recently read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I would recommend this as a good read as there is good advice within. Overall, I'd say you are on a good path forward anyways so at least this would reinforce the focus on you through this all.
And yes, this forum is certainly a salvation where we can vent, pour our emotions as we need to, and have comfort in the support on this very board which can pick us up from our low points.
Baby steps... one foot in front of the other... I know you will get through this.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Ancaire, I might have missed this somewhere but do you have a videocamera in your room? I think you should be recording these events for your protection. And lock your bedroom door please!
Just popping by to see how you are. You had an abuse incident with H that was so NOT OK, and I want to make sure you are taking steps you keep yourself safe and well.
Please post. PS ^^^^^^ V gave you some great words of insight.
