Ghost, I can not say anything that has not already been said. I do not believe you are an abuser. I believe that joining that group was a huge mistake, you don't belong there and the fact that you even enrolled is going to make you look guilty.
If your W is going down this road in her head you need to distance yourself as much as possible from her. Give her space, lots and lots of space.
You are letting this BS about you get into your brain, so you need to focus on yourself more. GAL, focus on your own needs, PMA.
Think about it Ghost, the things you need to do are the things you should have been doing all along- basic DB skills. Go back to the beginning. Remember to believe nothing that she says, and that includes what she underlines in a book.
You are not an abuser, Ghost. Men who are not abusers should not go to abusers groups. Ask the leader in your group quietly, on the side, if it is possible that you are being "framed" and that the accusations of abuse are meant to abuse and control you. Tell them honestly that you do not belong there. That you can see areas in your interpersonal skills that need help, that could be construed as abuse by someone who was really digging (and we could ALL-every single one of us- find examples of spousal "abuse" in our marriages if we look hard enough and care to label it as such). Men who are abusive do not have their wives asking them to take the kids for a whole weekend either. If you can't talk to the leader of the group, then talk to an IC. You need to go on record with a professional about this because you might be in for a custody fight in the near future. Think about it Ghost. You know who you are.
She is confused and trying to make sense of her own actions and feelings. She probably saw some of you in some of the "abuse examples" because you are a human being and none of us are perfect. And I can guarantee you that it is so much easier to play victim than to look at oneself honestly in the mirror and take responsibility for our own actions, and waywards/MLC/walkaways whatever you want to call them are absolutely not looking to accept any responsibility for their actions - that is kind of the whole point.
Do not let her confusion confuse you. Words and labels matter. If you call yourself an abuser, you will hold yourself back. Just as much as your W calling herself an abuse victim is holding her back. You are a good loving man on a journey, improving your self and your interpersonal skills in every way. You are a work in progress, you are evolving, you are kind and compassionate and overcoming your obsessive nature. Your actions define who you are, not some words a confused woman underlined in a book.
I suggested this awhile ago , Ghost, go and buy yourself your own book. Make it a funny one, or an inspirational one. Read your own book and underline what is helpful to you. When tempted to snoop, read your own book. Be in charge of what you put into your head, don't let her crap fill your brain.
