Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

Just got off the phone with my STBXW, what started out as a chat to discuss some woofie arrangements turned into a 90 minute talk about anything and everything. She filled me in more on her life, on visiting family, her hopes, dreams, fears, and a of course some of the reasons why she was unhappy in our M.

Although I had my addiction challenges, what really drove her away (per this conversation) was the thought that happiness was something that would be hard earned for me, and something she was dedicated to making easy in her life.

We talked about the future of Woofie and she told me that the sharing was working well, but at some point one of us should probably end up with him once we're remarried or in another R. I said we could cross that bridge when we came to it.

The call was a lot of connecting and sharing, something we haven't done much of up until now. She knows nothing of my life now, other than the sobriety and even said so. I know a bit about hers and asked a lot of questions.

I'm not sure how the call chalks up DB wise. It was a positive interaction, she did say it was wonderful to connect with me again and hear about my life.

One of the things she also said was that you can't ever go back with new tools and skills and start fresh with an old person. She also added that she hopes some day we can have a friendship and have each other in our lives. None of this was cold or with malice, but she never cracked a millimeter about the possibility of wishing we had tried a new with our changes present before filing for divorce. She added that she had done everything in her power to save our M before leaving and has no regrets.

She also shared that she had opened up a bit since filing because that was a clear message to me that things were completely over. I told her to come check this website and see all the people still fighting for their M's and even reconciling, that'll show her. No, I didn't do that.

All in all, I don't think it changes my view. I still love her, but want to be with someone that wants to be with me. I know we weren't at our best together and see that clearly. I also believe that we could be an amazing couple, but we couldn't before so I see her hesitation at that consideration. In order to be an amazing couple though, we both have to want it and see the value in trying. Not just one of us.

We're both going through extremely similar experiences on the growth and self development horizon, learning about how to be strong and having mentors, teachers, and guides show up in our lives almost simultaneously. I've joined a men's group. She's joined a women's group. I'm taking a David Deida class on intimacy next week, she took one two weeks ago. The parallels would be laughable if they weren't heartbreaking for me.

My path continues DB'ers, thank you for reading. I've still got growing to do, strengths to gain, experiences to have, and lessons to learn. If they have to be learned through the pain of losing the woman I love, I'm just going to have to learn them that way. On some level I know it's better than not learning them at all.

May all of your weekends be filled with peace and strength.

PP