A new thread for Eye-Tie

[EyeTie]

JulieH

If my situation can help just one person through theirs, then it's all worth it to me.

My STBEW and I do get along for the most part. We went to lunch on Monday together, just her and I. We laughed, joked, I talked about my life and a few trips that I am planning (Disneyworld with the kids this January) and she told me about a few that she is planning. I know she is jealous of my newer GF (J and I are getting more serious and exclusively dating) and I know about her boyfriend P. I am not jealous of him in the least, my WW is a handful and sadly he doesn't see her enough to realize it.

I always thought it would take her completely hitting rock bottom for us to make it work. For her to be humble enough to want to give it a second chance. BUT I realize that she does have some serious mental issues, she doesn't know how to treat people anymore. She treats everyone like they are beneath her and then gets mad when people stand up for themselves.

For years I followed behind her making up excuses, which just made the problem worse because she lacked any accountability for her actions. Since our split, I have stopped doing so, which has changed a lot in her life. Now she has to answer for herself and it pisses her off.

A year ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought we would have been split up. I never though I would be living where I live. I never thought I would be working where I am. I never thought I would be dating J. But instead of fearing change, I slowly embraced it. It all started with the GALing. My thought is that if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will get the same results, mix it up a bit.

For example. Tuesday next week, J and I are doing a "Wine & Art" class, I am looking forward to it. It's something my WW wanted to do, but never really put the initiative into it with me. Then on Friday J and I are going to take off out of town together, just her and I. My kids will be with my WW and her daughter will be with her Dad. We never do that, the kids are always around. I am not sure where we are going, what we are going to do, but I know it will be fun. That type of stuff was always lost on my WW, she had to have a game plan, there had to be a list, there couldn't be anything spontaneous or it was melt down time.

Life can get better. It just takes a lot of self reflection and realizing how strong you can be. For the longest time I wanted my WW back, but looking back on it, I realize I wanted the comfort of my M back not so much her. Then again, I do miss her at times, but it's fleeting fast. Her and I text almost every day, we still laugh and talk about the past. I refuse to be a bitter scorned ex (and I think even that pisses her off). I know of at least two guys she cheated on me with, one before D-Day, the other after. I know where they work, live, everything. The old me would have confronted them, or harassed them until they left my WW alone. But after a few nights of thinking about it, I figured why? Why bother? As much as I want to blame them for her actions, I really can't. It was her choice to cross those lines, it was her choice to cheat, it was her choice to leave. Not theirs, they could have encouraged it, but she is the one to blame. As I said, I am tired of making excuses.

Some time ago, J asked me if I would ever go back to my WW. I think she wanted reassurance that I was done and this is what I told her.

"In January, when we were still living together, I was in the downstairs bedroom. I was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, I was throwing up in a bucket almost every night. I would lay in bed, crying, praying to a God that I was unsure of existing, hoping that just once she might come downstairs to see how I was doing. To see if I needed anything. To comfort me when I needed her more than anything in the world. She never came. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved (or once loved), she did it to me. I may forgive her, but I will never forget that loneliness, despair and depression that I lived through in those weeks before she moved out." J understood right away and hasn't doubted me since.

Goodluck JulieH, thank you for responding to my sit.