Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Oy-rough morning. I was feeling pretty Neutral last night, but this morning the tears are flowing like a river.

I went to pick up dog last night and h informs me that "friends" stopped by and were still there. I said ok and id like to grab some clothes. He said ok.

When i got to the house there was one car in the driveway. H opens the door and tells me that they are practicing lines in the bacKyard..i walk in and notice that he has recently completely and utterly eliminated my existance in the house. Ok, it had to happen sometime. On the counter i notice a giant green purse and they were obviously mixing drinks. I notice that both our bikes are also out.

i go the mbr and h follows me. I tell him to visit with his friends and he says he doesnnt want to be rude to me and its fine cuz they were having a pit fire in the backyard. Alright...reading lines in the dark, by a fire with drinks. Ok.

i stayed for 20 mins packing up stuff. H made small talk telling me about how things were both good and bad with him. I listened and validated. He brought up stuff with my inlaws and i was (internally) so mad bc i miss my niece and nephew. Not my choice to leave the marriage, not my choice to abandon my in laws. Arg.

at one point i was putting stuff away in the closet and he says to me, i know its hard. I had no response. I couldnt. Packed a little more and had more small talk. I looked good and was cheery.

this morning, my tiny little ember of hope that ive been nurturing for months glows a little less bright. he just seems so sure of himself right now. More certain than ive seen him in so long.