Finally asking for help: 2

[Solo15]

Thanks mutatio.

So to answer your questions Sandi2...

I know for a fact that she does not know about the other girl, and she started acting different before that became a thing. She expressed her romantic feelings, love, and general desire for me about a week before I met this other girl.

Her OM didn't dump her, as they were never a thing. He lives thousands of miles away, and from what I can make of it, it was more of a crush that turned into a one night stand. She remains in contact because he is her friend and teacher.

It is obvious that she is trying to show me that she has changed. She is very caring and compassionate with me, which is something I haven't seen from her in a very long time.

But in the end, I don't trust her. It's not just the affair, but even more the way she treated me like garbage for a couple years. It was really abusive and nearly crushed the life out of me. I don't trust her. In fact, that is really were I'm torn. I desire her. When I'm with her, I am reminded of how deeply I care for her, am attracted to her. But there is this alarm in my head telling me it can never work. That I can't get over what has happened.

I told her that I was not ready to talk about our relationship, that I was hurting and needed time to sort out my feelings. That she would have to wait if she wanted to be with me.

Because of my newfound self respect, I have a list of nonnegotiable actions she would have to take if she wanted it to work out. I know in my heart that she is incapable of this.

1. Deeply repent and ask for my forgiveness for how she hurt me. Not just with OM but before in our marriage. For how she abused me, and treated me with such unkindness. For breaking my heart.

2. Cut all contact with OM forever and provide proof that she did.

3. Attend couples counseling, or at least work through a marriage program that gives us tools to work through our issues. I want a bulletproof marriage, one that requires work and great care. Something to be studied and nurtured.

4. That we move slowly into a dating relationship, taking our time to get to know each other more, have fun, be outside of the decision on what to do about us and experience what our relationship is outside of our children and the grind of life.

5. That we fully discuss what we want out of a relationship, how we differ in what makes us feel loved, and also discuss our dreams for the future both independently and as a couple.

I don't feel secure with her. I don't feel loved. I don't think I ever have. There is a wildness to her that is reflected in her actions. A lack of thought for others feelings. For how her actions might be taken by others. Especially me. I've come to realize that I want to be someone's grand prize. I'm a decent man, with many positive qualities. I want to be with someone that I can take care of, whose happiness is important to me, and I want that person to give it back in kind. Two people building each other up, complimenting each other and making something better as a team.

I am not convinced that she will ever be that person, and I have one chance to decide that. So I'm taking time to heal my wounds and really think about what I want from life, and whether or not I can let this beautiful women whom I've loved my whole life go and move into a new future. I know that would be insanely hard, as I have a deep spiritual bond with her, but I can never go back to that place of abuse.

Thanks Huddy for those words. I needed to hear them and you are so right.

Thanks everyone!