hold on!! - 12

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Hi Jelly - thank you so much for writing. and Vanilla I will be back this weekend to answer your questions as I have been putting a lot of thought into what you wrote too.

I have been busy, sometimes I figure out how busy I was during the day by how long I have had my shoes on. 10 hour shoe day, not too bad; 13 hour shoe day pretty busy. I have been having 18 hour shoe days for the last couple weeks, but I see that is just my fault and I hopefully will be able to resolve that.

Good thing for 24 hour grocery stores and my business being able to be run mostly at my kitchen table. (Teaching is actually enjoyable mostly and not too stressful to me - though the kids can be a handful sometimes). I know I have a lot on my plate right now, and when that happens, I worry that I am not doing anything at full potential, but I don't feel that I am letting anyone down right now. (I'm the plate spinner keeping all those wobbly disks moving)

Without going into every moment for the last couple weeks, I thought I would write a list.

STBXW has been officially(?) gone for nearly 3 weeks now, though much of her things are still here - shoes still on the floor, dresser still piled full of things, clothes still in the closet and laundry room. she still haunts this house with these things and I think I just need to box it all up if she doesn't want to come get it. She has stopped by a couple times to pick up things she needs from the kitchen, but usually when I am gone.

The kids spent last weekend with their mom. (thursday through sunday night). This was the first time I have been without them. Though they stay the night at friends houses from time to time, this was definitely different. I texted D15 every day though and S18 I saw almost every day. He slept at my (our) house one of those nights, because he doesn't have a bedroom at his mom's. I think that is going to happen most of the time which I think is just fine with me.

W is finding that her relationship with her kids is damaged and she is trying to put it back together. She is griping to me about it, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to continue being who I am, continue being the great father I have been throughout their lives and especially since BD. The kids know who I am and what they can trust me with. It is not my fault that they cannot trust her with the same. She has to fix that. (though she is asking me to).

S18 has had a health scare (Lyme disease) that we are dealing with, latest scare is some facial paralysis that goes along with it. Infectious disease doctor's, neurologists, antibiotics... It is curable at this point (caught early enough) but still scary. W & I are working together in every aspect for this. Though we are doing it separately (not going to doctor appointments together at this time). I did invite W to dinner with us after a doctor's appointment that she went to. I felt that this was a mistake, but I think the kids wanted it and I think it was rallying moment for us as a family.

She has been fishing with some guilt lures, I see them but try not to chase them. I know the hooks are sharp.

S21 is still out there, but our schedules have not meshed in a while to meet. We have texted back and forth a little though.

I think I am in line to have November being the first normal month with my regular budget plan. Things are very tight, and I am still paying a little extra money to catch up on some old things (taxes mostly) but everything else is current now. I haven't checked my credit ever, but should have a long time ago I guess. It is pretty much ruined for now. In fact, I applied for a credit card for a big box store that I shop at for essentials (to save some money on purchases) but found out that I was declined this week because of such a low credit score (If target doesn't even want me, forget trying anything else). Scary again, but I guess if I pay my bills on time that will improve. I have to research how to fix this. I wanted to get a general credit card for emergencies, but don't think I will apply for it now so I am not declined again - I think that is bad.

I don't think about W as W any more. I don't really miss her much. I took off my ring yesterday and put it away last night (though I did carry it in my pocket for the day). I have worn it throughout this and thought I would wear it until I told that I wasn't married anymore, but it seems like the time now.

W & I worked out a kid's schedule that I think will work (switch on wednesday's with sunday dinner at opposite place.) S18 probably will stay with me most of the time so this mostly applies for D15. W claims that D15 wants to keep her clothes and things at mom's house, but D15 tells me differently.

Chicago is having one of the warmest fall (autumn) season on record but I haven't gotten out on the bike very much lately. I look at it in the garage (looking quite lonely). Maybe this weekend I'll find an hour or two - it will do me good I think.

I really enjoyed taking a virtual tour of NZ with the signs that you gave me - maybe I'll sneak you some of the same. I say I'm close to Chicago, but in a much less cool suburban area in Indiana. I commuted to Chicago for years for work (architecture firm).

I am going to take your music challenge (I love music - one of my passions) and will be back with my list. (by the way - love the smiths and morrissey solo and johnny marr - I don't think it was really popular here, but I NEVER went with the popular route)

I'll update with my list later this weekend. and answer you too Vanilla.

It is so good to hear from you and I love seeing more action on your thread. I'll stop by there too.

Much love back
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