How else can I explain that, being physical touch my main love language, I remained in a sexless marriage for so long, not daring to ask questions like "what do I feel?", "what do I need?" or "what do I want?". This realization during one of my sessions with IC that I had been miserable and alone in my marriage made me cry. Walking in cheeseless tunnels implies that at least we more or less know what we want and where we are heading, I think.
Its good to these things Ripe but there is a bigger picture that you may have seen also. Men normally have the physical touch LL and feel loved through sex. Women need the emotional connection to feel the love, and when they do it leads to them wanting sex. Its very likely what you are realizing about how you felt in the M is exactly what you W felt also. Unloved, miserable, alone, we normally have the same feelings but one of us gets to them before the other.
Something I do want you to avoid is placing the blame of those feelings on your W and M. You could have found breath in your M, but you didn't. You could have change also in your M, but you didn't. This is the same for all of us and our S's also. Just realize you are responsible for the core of your happiness, not another person.
Just pointing this out as I think going down the road of forgiveness is easier when we realize our S's have the same disappointments about our M as we do and didn't intend to hurt us, but traveled the road they felt would make them happy. They put us as being responsible for how they feel, don't do the same.
Again, I think you may already realize this but saying it just in case.
Its great your exploring who you are and why you acted a certain way in the past. If we are to have any chance to really change us and avoid repeating future we need to be able to see what problems are there.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
