One area where I know she feels betrayed is that I would pressure Her into making love
That blows my mind.
For the record, when I suggested counseling, it was not to help you do all the things she wanted you to do. It was b/c of your obsessiveness and how you go into these tail spins.
Quote:
All I know is that with my current state of mind I would agree to pretty much anything and I am very much susceptible to suggestion that I have done wrong and I am willing to take the blame on pretty much anything and everything in the hope that I could save my marriage
That is what some of us are trying to tell you. This^^^^^^ is not healthy. Everyone can make improvements, but you have to be free to be yourself. If you are scared to call your W b/c she accuse you of controlling her............what kind of life would that be?
To be willing to become her slave and puppet is not going to give this M anything but more of what you have right at this minute. You will live in total fear and misery.
Stay off Google. Go get therapy for YOU, not the MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We don't know why his W is underlining those passages. We don't know what's going on inside her head.
I'm not saying ghost is or isn't abusive. I'm saying only he and she knows their own versions. And he can only control himself and become the best man he can be. I would say learning how to navigate conflict without throwing things or storming out the door is something worth striving for.
I do not feel that I have anger problems I am not saying that I do not but I controle my emotions very well
My W and I did not argue very often and it was always about the same things me not doing enough arround the house and me not being supportive enough spending time with my W something that I greatly regret now
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Holy crap. I walk out of this thread for a couple days, and now Ghost is beating and raping his wife?
Ghost, why are you believing everything that she tells you? If she said, "Ghost, I can believe you never ran headfirst into a cement wall for me. All of the best husbands do that." I truly think you would do it right now.
I wish that you could take a step back and for a week or two weeks, just do nothing and exist. Just have a couple of minor goals - a little bit of GAL, a fun thing with your kids, go to the gym. Just get into a small routine and try to build your life back up slowly. I read the desperation and the anxiety in your posts, and I can feel the toll it's taking on you. You HAVE GOT to learn to control your thoughts, control your actions, control your emotions. And to do that, you need to become CALM.
Just back off from all of the stuff with your W and live your life for a bit.
I would agree I do have problem listening and hearing what she said yes sometimes I shout at the kids I never shouted at my W ....raised my voice in a heated argument yes did I get up in her face when we argued ..no never
One of the things that she hi lighted was I towered over Her i guess she ment in an argument I am 5 foot 5 inches tall she is 5 foot 3inches this just did not happen
I just feel that her whole perspective had been distorted after reading this book I am not trying to diminish anything that I have done and if she felt abused and controled and deeply unhappy then this is defiantly something I need and want to address.
I cannot just ask her ...hey out of interest did you feel that I was abusive before you read the book I just could not ask this tho I am tempted .....don't worry I would not ask this .
For now I will stay on the program if just to better myself and try and understand where I went wrong and where she went wrong
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Wow Ghost dont beat yourself too much buddy. We all make mistakes. I can relate to your tread. I too became aware that I was part an abuser in this relationship. I was a silent abuser , i never shared my emotions and slightly neglected my wife and daughters by not spending time with them. I did get help by a counselor who made me realize my mistakes. But it comes a point where you understand your mistakes but is not all your fault. What caused you to be like that ? what did she do to make you react that way? In my relationship she was verbally abuse to me and i eventually believed everything she said to me as me being pathetic not a good husband , not a good father , not a good provider etc you name it , i accepted i was. It kept the cycle going , she called me those things i believed it so i neglected her. You are not a raping abusing husband just because you didnt get enough sex , hell everyone here would be labeled as one. Dont beat yourself up so much. You are better than that.
I just feel that her whole perspective had been distorted after reading this book I am not trying to diminish anything that I have done and if she felt abused and controled and deeply unhappy then this is defiantly something I need and want to address.
It's your perception that has been distorted, too. Why do you feel you need to address it? You do not have to agree with her. To address this "issue" at this time is not what you need to do. It would only result in her manipulating you more than she does now. Don't you think you are taking all the blame here?
I agree with Azzork, that you need to take a week off. But just don't stay away, like some people do.
You need to find your own self worth, Ghost. She doesn't decide it, you do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
