WAS or what (3)

[roist]

Thanks Mowgli, I have a plan and I am a little excited about who I may become. I will follow through with that regardless. I say regardless because it may not take much to push me into I have had enough. I want to understand why this is. I see others here go through worse treatment by their S, and they never doubt what they want. Is my love weaker, am I 2eaker. Idk. But ultimately it does not matter how I compare to others, but that I am true to me.

I came home last night and saw W had a prescription for putting on a sterility device.That threw me for six. She was out so I had time to stop reeling, before I saw her. Luckily.


When kids were in bed, I asked how her appointment went. She told me she has to go back to fit the devise. I wondered why she wanted it. With eye contact she explained it was to stop her periods, and why she wanted this. I had looked it up on the internet and this is a secondary use for this device.

I was calm and collected. But earlier when I saw the prescription I freaked out. Not because she could be having sex, though it did cross my mind. But mainly because it reminded me of how long it has been for us. Years ago she stopped taking the pill. She thought it was maybe affecting herlibido. And things did improve briefly just after that.

I guess it reminded me that she had tried something to improve us. A part of me hoped but didn't think so, that this would be for us too.

I can look back and see many examples of her trying to help us. I just wasn't able to see it clearly. I hope there will be another one.

Even if not I would like to be able to express my appreciation for everything throughout the years. We are together 20 years in two weeks time.

I hate this situation.I don't hate my W, but I hate this treatment of me. I hate the attention she is giving inappropriate friend. Hatred turns to resentment and that destroys people.I hate this last year. But I choose it. I choose it as the best path towards staying together. I am grateful for it because I havellearned so much about me and life and about love.

I am teary eyed now, but I am not sad. I honestly think my W is close to losing so much but is blinded. I never thought she was a fool. I am not perfect, but I am sure she will never find anyone who loves her as much and who would do almost anything for her. I am not putting a timeframe on things but 2016 will be better than 2015, and that may necessitate a different path.

OK enough emotional blah blah. I have work to do. Busy day ahead.Happy thoughts for all my readers.