Working on improving Ghost

[ATPeace]

Sandi2

As for the controlling of her I would phone her ask her what she had been up to today she probably took this as me checking up on her

She said that she felt she could not go out with some of her friends because I would question her and ask where she had been and what she had done ...I am jealous I would freely admit to this

I do not know how I am controlling

I could google search what makes a controlling man and then give you all the things that relate to me and I am sure that there would be things

[ATPeace]

I just feel everything I google everything I look up everything I question is leading me to more confusiion my whole life feels like a blur

[Huddy]

Ghost

Stop googling things. This is where you're getting good advice. It's up to you if you take it, but it does feel like we're going around in circles. It's like this; she's manipulating your behaviour to waive her guilt. The more she can blame on you, the more guilt she can circumnavigate.

So, you forced her to get pregnant? How did you do that? Did you force her in to unprotected sex? Did you stop her from having an abortion if she wanted it? Nope, thought not.

You're spinning out of control here. You have to stop all this nonsense about going to battered wife's groups and relationship talks with our wife. It's just counterproductive. You're no further forward than when you started. None of us want our relationships to fall apart, but, at the moment, our other halves are in loo-loo land and they can't hold rational thoughts and conversations.

At the end of the day, if she leaves, what will Ghost look like? Will Ghost be sat at the side of the road crying his eyes out, or will Ghost be an upstanding man that she might look at again and think 'what have I done'? Come on, man up.

[Vapo]

You are talking to your W waaaaaaaay too much. And again you go believing her what she says. Don't. WTF?

Trust me, she will use anything and everything against you and you are just handing her the ammo. You really are incredible. She got you convinced that you are a serial rapist, women molesting wife beater. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

You really do need to TAKE YOUR NUTS OUT OF HER PURSE! She's playing you like a fiddle here, can't you see that?

[Huddy]

^^^^^^^^^ slightly more industrial than my analysis, but spot on.

[ATPeace]

Vapo yes I am I have always been one honest and truthful with her and I feel,I actually want to try and talk to her some more I know this is an absolutely crazy idea so I'm not going to do this but I feel I want to talk to her and try and find out where all this is coming from

Why she feels the way she does some conversations I guess can now never be had

[Huddy]

Is the talking working? Nope, thought not.

[claire7]

Sandi2, I have to respectfully disagree with your opinion here.

My dad is generally very mild mannered in public, but when I was a kid he could get so angry. He would yell aggressively, belittle my mom, curse, etc. It was scary. It was emotionally abusive.

Making someone feel emotionally unsafe is abusive. Each of the behaviors, on its own, maybe not. But together, it is possible that his wife felt unsafe.

Ghost, I'm glad you are looking inward to your own behavior. i think nmmng would be a good read for you. It also sounds like maybe you need some work on anger management? Finally, we know that you have trouble listening and hearing. Perhaps that is something you struggle with IRL too.

Keep moving forward and working on you.

[Huddy]

Claire7

Ghost is only reacting because he found a book his wife was reading/underlining that was left in plain sight so he could pick up the guilt. He's being caned for something he hasn't done.

[sandi2]

Claire, I agree on the yelling, cursing, and screaming/shouting in anger. I wasn't seeing "raising his voice" being to that degree, but perhaps you are right. My H raises his voice, at times, but it is not yelling, cursing, etc. I don't like it, but never saw it as abuse. Thanks for bringing that up.