Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Thanks guys. I feel like I'm sinking. Part of it is that I always get some mild depression this time of year. The shorter days, especially the dark mornings, seem to effect me. I've been getting outside as much as possible, and the weather has been beautiful, but I still feel like I have the blues.

The other is that he has gotten under my skin again. I took the bait again. I feel the pain of once again being sucked into the cycle and I'm trying to not hang on to the regret.

I also finally got all of the things that I needed to start picking up cases for the agency I want to work for, but I haven't been chosen for any yet, so the pressure to start working is on. I am looking for alternate options at this point.

I also finally drew the line with flakey male friend who has once again dropped off in the middle of us making plans. He got back to me the following afternoon to explain what happened, but honestly, I've had enough. It makes me a little sad, because I really enjoyed his company and conversations, but I recognize that this is not the type of relationship I want right now.

In more positive news, I've been trying to snap myself out of my funk by joining more meetups. I found a group I really like, although their meetups fill up quick and mostly happen out by my parents' house. But in the past 2 days I've done three outings with the group and really enjoyed myself. This is much better than waiting around for someone to want to do the same thing I want to do at the same time I want to do it. Now I just check the meetup calendar and find an event that words for me.

So my fight the funk game plan:
1) job search--Put it in high gear--spend at least 4 hours a day working on getting a job.
2) get out of the house--start running again, go on hikes, socialize.
3) don't engage with H. He dragged me back in. My parents set me straight by pointing out how my responses are giving him satisfaction. I really have to follow V's advice again.

It really [censored] how I can do so well for so long, then one slip sets me so far back. I am feeling really self-conscious right now, because he put me back on the defensive. He uses the kids to do this, using phrases like "outbursts in front of the kids" when I try to talk to him about something. I know the problem is that I am still trying to make him see things my way. Stop pushing button A MS!

[mustardseed]

So after feeling awful and defeated most of yesterday, I got myself back in gear. H called about some shopping he did with D, and it was a really positive, normal, pleasant conversation. After all of the nasty back and forth earlier in the day.

After we hung up I was spinning, how do we go from Z to a so quickly. How crazy and bipolar is this relationship we have--and am I to blame for this constant pendulum? I was trying to explain it to my sister and that was when I realized that the difference was that the earlier conversations were initiated by me, and he won't engage. This one was initiated by him and his needs, so he actually communicates. And things feel--dare I say--nice.

And that I guess is the difference. When he stonewalls, I get frustrated and react. When we are discussing something that he wishes to discuss, he is open to communication and things are positive. If it wasn't for all of the information V has been communicating, I probably wouldn't even recognize the pattern.

[Ancaire]

This info is good to know...but also depressing. H will likely still be able to trigger me a year from now? Ugh. Do you still love your H, MS? Is that why? Or is it just learned behavior from years of interacting?

[mustardseed]

This info is good to know...but also depressing. H will likely still be able to trigger me a year from now? Ugh. Do you still love your H, MS? Is that why? Or is it just learned behavior from years of interacting?

I didn't realize how much H manipulated me until about 4 months ago. Suspicions started around last April. So it wasn't a year. This realization is still very new to me. And a lot of it I believe is related to alcoholism. Whether it is his or the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic father, I'm not sure--but what they call "isms" in AA and Alanon are definitely almost all there with my H.

I also have a lot of codependent tendencies. My mother and her sisters all seem to have these tendencies that manifest in different ways. My grandfather was an alcoholic and abusive. I always saw it in them, they can really drive you crazy, but I now also see how much of that I learned. Luckily my father's family balances it out so I have some good examples. I'm learning. I'm working on it.

I do still love him. And the crazy thinking part of it is that I can't tell if what I love about him is real, or was real. I don't think we are at a point where I can figure that out. I just have to let it go. After getting off the phone with him last night I almost said a habitual "love you", because it felt so much like old times. We were sharing frustrations that come with taking D shopping. I dealt with it last week with Halloween costumes, he dealt with it yesterday with party dresses. I wish I could be stoic and robotic right now. For the first time in my life, I really wish I just couldn't feel. I feel too deeply--always. And just a look from him can send me swooning or running. The amazing thing is how quickly he can change that look. I am was an easy target. I'm learning to not be so vulnerable and to set boundaries and stick to them, regardless of how much I want to believe the excuses.

When I'm not hating him, I am loving him. It is a rare moment when I actually feel indifferent towards him, and usually that is when I am out socializing and doing things I know he never would have done with me. That is why GAL is my saving grace right now.

My next week looks full of outings. Of course Job Search takes top priority--but I will definitely get out and have fun.

[Vanilla]

Msd

It is going to be ok, and this to and fro is part of it. It is that which you have to do to heal. Unless you can heal those FOO issues you will keep on going, you will keep on being in these types of Rs.

It is familiar resolution of issues from your childhood and it will change. I have started looking at this research I do from a more academic stance and I came across some decent research on my view of ACES.

://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/31046862/CompulsiontoRepeattheTrauma.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ56TQJRTWSMTNPEA&Expires=1446767178&Signature=K64FHAzyG4hos8Xf18UOmV2EQBY%3D&response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DThe_compulsion_to_repeat_the_trauma.pdf

Add http. Warning it's research material.


Msd you are very strong, it is your willingness to tackle your stuff.

I see the HOW principle in action, honesty, openness and willingness, all of these and 12 steps are part of the plan to change. I really want healing for you. The strength you showed in those last months at the school was extraordinary.

It has been my honour, privilege and delight to share with you as Gg did with me. Zelda helped me put the thread together that 'stores' information and I do hope she is healing. I am so proud of you as it can be easy to buy the sweet cycle over and over.

There are several sitches here that have this element in them, some male and some female. When a spell break occurs that's when the poster is most open to change and realisation but also most open to sweet cycle.

Anc and you both have triangulation in the sitch and the third party is law enforcement. Abuse and manipulation like this is so very tough.

I am really glad you are here on this board.

Hugs

V

[Ancaire]

Thanks, MS. I understand so much better now that I realize this is new to you, too. I feel the same way about my H - love or hate, nothing in between.

You've also got me thinking. My dad was an alcoholic. I went to Alanon as a child, but some of the stories I heard in there scarred me so much, very little healing actually took place. H is without a doubt an alcoholic now. It's like my dad all over again. Once I get some of the bigger messes cleaned up, I really need to look into Alanon again. I bet I get far more out of it as an adult. These relationships with the two most important men in my life, and the destruction done by their drinking problem, has probably scarred me in ways I don't even realize.

Thanks for being willing to share what you've learned. It's really helping me a great deal.

[JulieH]

ancaire, I didn't realize alcohol was involved with your situation as well. possibly in my case too, but wasn't sure if it was crutch because he was unhappy with marriage or if that is what led to his walking out. (Discovered 13 bottles of hard liquor hidden in less then 2 month period and then a additional 9 bottles hidden...was suggested by one of his family members that he likes to save and hold onto bottles) I rarely drink and I have never been exposed to any type of addiction or substance abuse issues in my family so I am very unfamiliar with signs and dynamics. I am afraid that I am looking to alcohol as excuse or easy answer when really it is our marriage.

Mustard seed, I love the feeling of indifference. I went out to city recently and felt great. But only for a few days post and I think it was only due to some needed male attention. I have been seeing what I assume are meet up groups and have been wondering about them myself. My schedule is so weird and I have such a limited time to try them but was thinking of it. Will have to get up the nerve. Wish I could find one for single parents! Do you find that a lot of people that go to them are in similar situations as us?

[Ancaire]

Julie, until Mustardseed brought it up, I hadn't really made the connection. I'd be very suspicious of that many liquor bottles! Sadly, though, even if drinking is part of the problem, until your H starts to realize it for himself, he will be blind to the fact that alcohol is enabling him to make really bad decisions.

Alcoholics tend to be "on" or "off". They can be charming one second, and vile the next. "Poor me" seems to be the universal battle cry. Managing resources is something they struggle with. Moody - angry, tearful, happy, fun, scary. My dad could cycle through all those emotions in an hour. "Chaos" is the word I'd use to describe my dad. My husband fits more into the on or off description. Charming to outsiders or people he wants to impress - nasty to me, his safe place.

Does any of this describe your H?

[mustardseed]

Msd

It is going to be ok, and this to and fro is part of it. It is that which you have to do to heal. Unless you can heal those FOO issues you will keep on going, you will keep on being in these types of Rs.

It is familiar resolution of issues from your childhood and it will change. I have started looking at this research I do from a more academic stance and I came across some decent research on my view of ACES.

://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/31046862/CompulsiontoRepeattheTrauma.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ56TQJRTWSMTNPEA&Expires=1446767178&Signature=K64FHAzyG4hos8Xf18UOmV2EQBY%3D&response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DThe_compulsion_to_repeat_the_trauma.pdf

Add http. Warning it's research material.


Msd you are very strong, it is your willingness to tackle your stuff.

I see the HOW principle in action, honesty, openness and willingness, all of these and 12 steps are part of the plan to change. I really want healing for you. The strength you showed in those last months at the school was extraordinary.

It has been my honour, privilege and delight to share with you as Gg did with me. Zelda helped me put the thread together that 'stores' information and I do hope she is healing. I am so proud of you as it can be easy to buy the sweet cycle over and over.

There are several sitches here that have this element in them, some male and some female. When a spell break occurs that's when the poster is most open to change and realisation but also most open to sweet cycle.

Anc and you both have triangulation in the sitch and the third party is law enforcement. Abuse and manipulation like this is so very tough.

I am really glad you are here on this board.

Hugs

V

Thanks V. I tried the link but it looks like it is subscription based or something. It wouldn't open--even with the http. Do you have an author and title, maybe I can find it through my library database.

[mustardseed]

. My husband fits more into the on or off description. Charming to outsiders or people he wants to impress - nasty to me, his safe place.

Does any of this describe your H?

This is my H to a tee. HE would be nasty and cranky about having to do something, then light and breezy and fun during the event--I'd feel relieved and think, oh he had a good time in spite of not wanting to do this thing--then he'd go right back into nasty.

For years he'd assure me it had nothing to do with me. Yet the nasty persona was reserved for me and the kids. Now he is light and breezy in front of the kids even when I am around, unless OW is nearby, then he puts on the rage face. One thing I am grateful for is that he is on a mission to be "perfect dad" so the kids aren't seeing his ugly side anymore. I wonder what will happen when that persona no longer fills his need. Hopefully, it will last--for the sake of the kids. As angry as it makes me that he couldn't be like that from the beginning.