Finally asking for help: 2

[Solo15]

Long time no post. I'm going to move into the piecing forum given my recent series of events.

I wanted to stop by and put a footnote on the end of my story. I got really strong. I moved on, took control of my life, got my mojo back and decided that I wanted to be happy and that I could move through the pain. I did.

When that happened, I met someone. Started out as friends, but it turned into something more. I put the breaks on it, decided to pull away, and give myself space. For her and for me and for my marriage. I was honest with her about everything from day one, was a gentleman, and took care of her heart. She fell in love with me, and I certainly enjoyed her company and the dream of hope she gave me, but it's all too insane and too soon and unfair to everyone involved. I am still a wounded animal, no good to anyone.

Turns out I'm pretty great actually. But the thing that really gets me is that this other girl treated me better than anyone I've ever been with. Showed me what I relationship could be. What it would be like to have a partner. I had to pull away because it's too soon, and my feelings for my wife are still a fire in my heart.

The postscript here is that my wife is coming after me hard. She wants me back. She's actively seeking me out, trying to reconnect, to get me to move back home. She is being physical, caring, affectionate, loving. It's all I wanted. However, I am a different man now. Stronger, better suited to life. I know more about how to be human. How to love. How to stick up for myself. What I want from a relationship. A future.

I'm leaving this for you, my friends. So spun up in broken dreams and unhappy worlds. I spent 2 years in that hell. Many years in a painful and unfulfilled marriage to a woman I love more deeply than anything in the world. But it was unhealthy. Extremely so.

So now, I am in a position that most of us here would die to be in. I can have her back. I can choose my marriage. But in so many ways I don't want it. I want her, soft and lovely and beautiful. Wild and pure and clever and creative. Sweet, kind and giving. I want the girl I thought I was marrying. The girl of my dreams. Loyal to a fault. Well, she's not the girl I married anymore. She changed. I changed. Many of you reading this may reach the point where I am. I hope you do. Know this. Your happiness, your ability to have a fulfilling relationship is a right that you have. You are special, and uniquely yourself, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that will love you for who you are.

I am taking some time to decide what I want. My wife is a siren song. No other woman in the world could have my heart so bound up and hopelessly in love. She has been my dear soulmate for 18 years. She has hurt me more than anyone. Ever. Now I have to decide if I will climb that mountain. At 36 years old, I have a lot of life left. Do I take the risk to be with her, to slog through the mire and hopefully come out whole, happy as a dream, or do I let go. Do I become who I am fully, and find happiness somewhere else. Choice. For the first time I am not a slave to my devotion but see clearly.

I wanted to thank all of you for your kindness, support, and earnest loving words of encouragement, your wisdom and honesty. This forum was a place of great healing for me. You faceless strangers reached out to me in the darkest moments of my life, you encouraged me, and offered a life line when I was doomed. I cannot forget that.

I will continue to stick around, but my story is moving away from this crisis. I can have my marriage back if I want it. I found my strength. I am not afraid.

God bless you all, and may your hearts find peace.