Last edited by Uphill; 11/04/1509:46 PM. Reason: Add link
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Hi Uphill..just checking on you. How long to wait is a tough question to answer. I hate being lonely, but don't have any desire to think about dating anyone else as long as I love my H. I think it's a different answer for everyone, partly based on feelings, time passed, and opportunities. If Gerard Butler came knocking on my door, I'm pretty sure I'd be like, "H who?" LOL
You're really doing well, and I'm so pleased for you.
I have wanted to have a solid heart to heart for many months now. The problem is, if I were to actually get her to agree to sit down and chat (I don't think that would be a hard challenge), I would be laying all my cards on the table and pouring my heart out... Exactly what we can't do.
A heart to heart doesn't have to entail laying the cards on the table. But sometimes it can lead to more understanding. I guess I am saying is that there can be different types of heart to hearts. If this is something you want to do, maybe have sort of a script and don't waver from it? I know that would be difficult, but I can't think of any other way.
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Sure it is possible that would work, very unlikely though. More likely to be seen as pursuing, begging and pleading? So in the end it would not only push her away but give her and her friends something new to make fun of me about.
That is the danger! All about chances and what are you willing to take? There will come a point where you reach that fork in the road, but I have the feeling you aren't there yet. Are her friends making fun of you for real? I guess that could be a danger but shouldn't really matter.
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In the meantime I will continue on my path of upgrading myself and keep thinking about my forthcoming choices l.
Bingo. That is of utmost importance! Keep up the good work - you will be fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Spiff, if I were to start a heart to heart with her, even with a script I know it wouldn't follow how I had it planned. My emotions would get the best of me and I would end up dumping all my cards out face up... As far as her friends, most are sneaky, cheating, system using hookers with babies to 4 different guys. One of them for certain has told her how much better off financially she will be if she gets rid of me and keeps my wallet! XF showed me the message back when things were good and made a comment something to the effect, "she doesn't know how good we have it". I can only imagine what is being said now? I know it's mind reading but I know it is happening.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
You are correct, it is mind reading but very hard not to do. That is a thing I find myself attempting to do and have yet to learn how to stop myself - if you find out, please share it with me!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yeah, she had me convinced for a long time that she would never be like that and here we are. I'm not saying in any way that is the only reason, I just know there was influence coming from that direction which didn't help anything.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
What is that expression, something like you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with? I have noticed with a lot of us that the people our waywards are close to bring them down. I also think that although the time we spend with each other "here" is online, that we bring each other up.
Yeah, she had me convinced for a long time that she would never be like that and here we are. I'm not saying in any way that is the only reason, I just know there was influence coming from that direction which didn't help anything.
Seems that they all tend to think like that. Take my W for example. I have no doubt whatsoever that someone - my bet is her sister - is pushing her hard and telling her the grass is always greener. I say the sister, because they are very very close and she (the SIL) is going through a D, too. I have seen the texts from her telling the W how much better she would be off, etc. Hell, even the sister's husband (who, strangely enough while supposedly divorcing the SIL) remains "friends" and they all talk on the phone at the same time - well, the SIL lets her STBXH talk to my W on the same phone... She came home one day talking to them and as she entered the house where we were the tone changed. So I KNOW (or at least I think I do) they are talking and influencing my W. So what do I do?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Pho, that is a great point! Also anybody around us who were her friends who had common sense, got pushed away by XF in the months leading up to BD!
You are also right about the people here! There is a he!! Of a group of great people here! I think it rubs off on every one of us!
Spiff, we could make lots of money if we found the key to blocking negative influance. Mind reading alert... I think XF had the idea of things getting worse in her head. It was only when enforced and encouraged by a select few others that she worked up the nerve to actually do it.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Uphill, I have been noticing it time and again with different people, on this board and IRL. My H had been becoming enmeshed in his friend's problems- which included a divorce and bad relationship with his child, then OW which included her divorce and her bad relationship with her parents, and then his parents who are extremely negative and angry and always fighting. So this became his world and he cut me out.
